Saturday, July 31, 2010

Confuscious Says...?

Everytime I forget about him, he pops back into my life (read: only a few times, no need to be SUPER melodramatic). Friday was no different. I was relaxed after spending a week up north with baby boy. My steps felt light, my breaths felt calm. Nothing was going to ruffle my feathers, not traffic, the fact that my vacation was soon to be ending, nothing.
(insert text message alert here)
"Sorry I just read your text message from Monday. Whatcha up to tonight?"
My jaw dropped, and butterflies started taking flight inside me. I had counted him out and boom, he messages.
My night was open, and plans were made.
He showed up wearing torn jeans and a rock shirt. The moment I saw him I wanted to jump him, but I held back. Back To The Future was put in the dvd player, and well before the movie ended, I was in his arms. Electricity was flying, and the chemistry between us was thick and steamy. I can't tell you the exact moment our lips first touched, but I can tell you I was floating (and simultaneously telling myself IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!). To spare feelings in lieu of him actually finding my little corner of the internet, I will tell you it got hot and heavy...and to feel even MORE juvenile I'll let it be noted that we safely made it to second base. (insert the but) As hot and heavy as we got, I held back.

I feel guarded with him. Let's review the history:
  • We date a couple of years ago only to have it end kissless with an instant message.
  • We reconnect five months ago only to see each other for the first time three weeks ago.

My head is damning me. How hilarious is it that things with this man went from "is he even into me" to "does he only want to have sex with me?"

Is he going to shoot me a message saying he doesn't want to date?
Am I setting myself up for failure
I can't get this man, his touch, his taste and his smells, out of my head.
What do I do?

Sure, the right answer (the seemingly easy answer) would be to let it play out...wait and see how this cookie crumbles.....but the easy answer seems to be my biggest challenge.

I guess I'll force myself to do what I think will be best for me...breath in, breath out, and repeat.

P.S. I haven't been kissed, touched or held like that....ever.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Reminding Myself

He turns to me, his hands holding the back of my head. He loves me. I love him. Our toes buried in sand, the waves crashing in the background.

I dream this scenario on a regular basis.

I'm amazed at how powerful people can be. Sure, "you choose your own attitude"...I only agree with that about 50% of the time. People have the amazing ability to suede those around them. Both positive and negative attitudes are as contagious as strep throat.

Men have an amazingly strong effect on me. They have an uncanny ability to bring out the best and worst in me in one breath. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

Some might think (read: me) that I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket with TB. However, I'm not. I'm putting one egg in my basket at the time, and right now, that one egg just so happens to be him (ha, that sounds kind of dirty...go me).

There's still a communication discord. Yeah, I could just be acting paranoid...but my gut instinct is sharp, and it rarely lies. If only I weren't so "in-like" with this man. Christ, the "if only's" could go on for days if I let it....

I'm ready.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready to laugh.
I'm ready to be held.
I'm ready to share my soul.
I'm ready.

As with all things (shopping, particularly) whenever I'm ready for something it's never around. So, I'll stay ready, but I'm done allowing myself to care if and when I meet Mr. Right. I'm reminding myself to focus on how amazing my life actually is....the simple things can be grand (and I know my simple things are taken for granted more often than not).

I have a little boy in my life who constantly asks me if I want to play Hippo Hippo Hungry (the old school game hungry hungry hippos...I like his way of saying it though). He's healthy. He makes me laugh and tests my patience everyday... I'm lucky, and if I were a spiritual girl, I'd say I'm blessed to the heavens.

Monday, July 19, 2010



For close to a decade, I've been playing on a coed softball team. I've had a blast, really...but recently I've noticed that the team's identity (read:drink before, after and during the game) wasn't fitting into my life....after all, I'm raising a little boy...who doesn't need to be exposed to binge drinking on a weekly basis at the tender age of 4. I digress.

I sent out a message to about a dozen people saying I was looking for a new softball team to play on. A girl I've known for a while (but wasn't at the point of calling us friends) responded saying there was an opening on her work team.


I was (very) nervous the first night... Everyone was really nice, and one particular character caught my eye. Our team is super hero themed...each of us wear a different super hero costume as our jersey. I couldn't help but drool over Batman.

He was kind to me and to baby boy.
He was extremely attractive.
He made me laugh.
You get the point.

Here's the dilemma....

I feel like I'm stuck in a Jerry McGuire situation.

I feel like he likes my son MORE than he likes me. Thank God we aren't actually dating because HELLO AWKWARD if that were the case.

I've never encountered a man taking a stronger liking to my son than to me. I know I'm biased but I also know he's a great kid. Do you think it's possible for Batman's likes to shift towards me? If so, how in the world do I make that happen?! I feel like a complete rookie.

note: I totally need to get some man-action.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Fresh Start of the Past

Saturday night started out like most others...except this time, I was determined to make it different. Around 7pm, I shot him a text "Wanna come over and watch a movie later"?

He didn't respond.

I wasn't too upset, after all, I had intended on watching a movie be it solo or with company. In a way, I had guarded my emotions, reminding myself that I had laundry to do, and since He wasn't coming over I didn't have to do a mad dash scramble to clean.

There I was, 9pm, reasoning with baby boy to go to sleep, folding a load of whites (with two loads in the washing machine and one in the dryer), with my movie queued up....when my phone began to blink.

"sounds good, what would you like to watch"

I just about wet myself.

I didn't completely panic. I told him about the movie I rented from Redbox (Sherlock Holmes), and then invited him to come over in an hour and a half. He accepted the invite, and at that very moment my own personal Bridget Jones' Diary montage began (sans the music).
  • Bathroom - Cleaned from top to bottom
  • Living Room - Decluttered, toys picked up, laundry put in baskets and strategically hidden in my room
  • Kitchen - Dishes put away, dishwasher reloaded, counter top kitchen table and stove top wiped down
  • Me - Unshowered, sweaty mess from my mad dash to pick up my place....

I didn't look like a troll...completely. I had been wearing a cute tank dress because it was comfortable and a dress is always a good way to beat the heat.

BLINK phone was alerting me he had messaged, and he was at my door.

When I saw him butterflies began. It had been two years and countless recent messages since our last encounter. He looked great. He had the sexy man smell that my senses have missed out on.

We sat down to watch the movie and couldn't help but talk throughout the first half. It felt different than the last time we had seen each other. Comfortable. Right.

Half way through the movie, it happened. We slowly drifted towards one another, and before I knew it I was laying in his arms. His strong, sexy arms.... we were melting into each was about damn time.

The movie ended, and after a brief walk outside we wound up playing mario on my wii for an hour and a half. It was fun...but inevitably the night had to end.

I'm so happy we saw each other...but I'm still waiting for that damn first kiss. I've waited two years..what's another (possible) couple of weeks? The past few days, I've reminded myself that what will be, will be.

I'm in like.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


His touch.
His words.
His presence.


When you go so long without the touch of the opposite forget how electric it can feel.

I recently shared an evening with someone...details to follow within the next day or so...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I know a girl.

I know a girl whose mother left her when she was only three years old.
A girl whose father died when she was 15.
This girl had met a boy.
A boy who grew up in a fairly well rounded family.
A boy whose family had recently fallen apart.
A boy who was embarking in a world of drugs and chaos, but remained to shield his heart from the ugliness.
This boy and girl had a baby together, but were absolute poison for one another.
The girl played head games, using guilt as her sword.
The boy turned to his drugs to self sooth.
They parted ways.
The girl got a job, but never fully grew up.
The boy cleaned up, got a job, and still tries to grow up.
I know a girl who tries to make everyone believe she is a woman.
I know a girl who willingly sends her baby to sleep at someone else's house five nights a week and believes it's alright.
I know a boy who is proving he's a man.
A boy who loves his little girl so much it hurts, and would do anything to be home with her, but his job prevents him from doing so.
A boy who is stuck at war with himself, a girl, and the world.

...and in the midst of all of this chaos, a baby is trying to grow up.

God help this child.

note: this is not my story, but that of someone else. I wish I could help. I wish I could open this girls eyes to what being a parent is about. I'm far from the perfect parent, but one thing I know is my life is shared with baby boy. Sure, I have some time to "me"...but you surrender most of your personal time when you chose to become a parent...hence HELLO SINGLE LIFE FOR THIS CHICK. Most days I want to slap this girl upside the head.

Ok, I'll step off of my soap box now.