Dear Dad,

What I want to say to him:

When we have discussions like yesterday morning, I feel like I will never be good enough for you. I was extremely afraid of telling you about Ala-Non because I was afraid my words and feelings would be twisted around...which is EXACTLY what was done. I am so hurt by the way I was treated yesterday words cannot even begin to describe.

As I sit here trying to formulate my thoughts (so I can be as simple and clear and possible), I am clouded by fear that you will also turn this email around on me in some way, shape or form...and if that fear of speaking the truth to you isn't mental abuse, I don't know what is.

I've been clear and honest with you...yesterday's conversation and the handful of conversations we've had that have ended the exact same way have played an enormous toll on my spirit. My heart tells me you care, but your words and actions are very contradictory and (for the sake of repeating myself) very hurtful.

Honestly, Dad, I just don't feel like there's anything I can do or say to make you proud of me. I wish I could apologize but I am not sorry. I'm a great person. I have a great little boy. Any person would be lucky to know me, or to spend time with me. I cannot control if you choose to see, or acknowledge those truths.

What I've said to him since yesterday:

Nothing.

Fearful.

I can count on my hands the number of times I've been afraid to tell my parents something. It has always been something that I've done, or has been done to me...and it's always been something pretty serious. Most of the time once I finally spilled the beans they were supportive, and if it was something bad they were there once their initial anger left them.

Today, I have something new I'm afraid to tell them, and it's eating me up inside. This thing is different because it also involves both of them. The ironic aspect to my issue, is this thing is really good for me, so I shouldn't be afraid to tell them..but I am.

Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting. My first Al-Anon meeting*. At this meeting, I verbally said my name, then stated I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The words felt really good to finally say out loud. In a way, they felt liberating. I spent my morning listening to others, and the clouds cleared from my head; I am WAY more effected by alcohol and drugs than I had originally believed. I guess you could say I had been living in denial.

The day of the meeting, ironically enough, my mom offered to watch baby boy. It would be the first time she's spent time with him in 2010. Some of you might think "well, it's only March...my parents rarely see my kids". People, my parents live about 15 minutes from me...the only reason my mom hasn't seen my child is because she has chosen to live a selfish life that involves alcohol, work, and more alcohol.

I've tried speaking with her about her drinking habits, and SURPRISE, she gets very defensive. I've tried reasoning with her. I've tried begging her to be a more active role in my son's life. All I hear are excuses masked by what she thinks is reason.

The day after my meeting I stopped by my fathers house. I had every intention of telling him what I had started doing...but I couldn't. Fear of his reactions and judgement paralyzed me. See, a loooong time ago (read: when I was in middle school) I accused HIM of being an alcoholic, and to this day he still reminds me. I don't take back my feelings from back then. I witnessed him putting tonic and scotch into a HUGE enclosed mug. I'm not crazy, I swear. Also, there's that one Christmas, two years ago, where him and my brother both got so pissy drunk that they started verbally attacking me, calling me horrible names...eventually leading to me leaving my dad's house in hysterical tears, I digress (p.s. Thanks Johnny Walker..you Rock).

I think I'm so fearful of telling them because it will stir up emotions, and when people get defensive and feel like they're being judged, they throw judgement right back. I'm hoping that after a couple more meetings I'll have the strength to confront them. I'm hoping.

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*Funny story:

Since this was my very first meeting, I was absolutely clueless. I wasn't even sure how to walk into this place (note: it was a HUGE house on a historic street in the city). I was aware that they provided child care during the meetings, so baby boy was with me.

We walked into this house, and I must have had an enormous look of confusion on my face. A man told me to talk with so and so upstairs for childcare...so upstairs we went. I got baby boy settled, told him I would be just outside, and then went to find a seat.

The room was empty aside from a HOT guy..go figure. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I'm sure I looked extremely uncomfortable.

It wasn't until I heard multiple people talking about how long they'd been sober, and that they were drunks that I realized I might be in the wrong place. The room was quickly filling up, but I leaned to the lady next to me, and asked her what meeting I was in. "AA...this is an AA meeting." Son of a drunk, I was in the wrong meeting. I asked her where Ala-non was, politely stood up, and walked DOWNSTAIRS to where my meeting had already started.

It was actually a pretty funny moment.

Staples

I was FLOATING in our office supply room as I tallied up what I'd be ordering. Generally we place our orders on Wednesdays...but since I couldn't wait to see him, I was putting the order in a day early. Let me tell you, the supply list was LONG.

The next day came, and I may or may not have spent an extra five minutes at the mirror. I played out a tentative plan about what I was going to say to him when he arrived. Seriously people, my crush had transformed me into a giddy school girl.

Around 11am I saw the red shirt out of the corner of my eye. The red shirt that screamed STAPLES...the red shirt that was him! Only, it wasn't him. It was someone else. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. My boss laughed at me because I sounded like Eeyore when I was talking with the other delivery guy.

I had one saving grace....a supply I had ordered was on BACK ORDER! YAHOO! I was going to have another chance to see him...and since Wednesday was St. Patty's day of COURSE he wouldn't be working!

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This morning I had a gut feeling I'd be seeing him....and my gut rarely lies to me. Around 10:30, the door opened and there he was.

Staples "blah blah blah"
Me "Hey, I just realized...I don't know your name. It's not like you have a name plate or wear a name tag....so yeah" (<-- I'm so not smooth..srsly).
Staples "Do other guys wear them?" (looking slightly confused)
Me "You mean staples guys? No...but still"
Staples "My name is N"
Me "Nice to meet you"
N "blah blah blah blah WIFEY" (referring to his wife...)

So yeah. N is married, hence crushing my future dreams with him...come to think of it, I never had a chance to scope out his ring finger because he always wore gloves. I still think he's a really good guy....Now I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to try to become friends with him. He could have nice, single friends. He could have a single cousin for all I know! What do you think?

Hello Euphoria.

Once a month a sense of euphoria overtakes me. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything. My confidence level is high, and my attitude is nauseatingly optimistic. This euphoria comes the week AFTER my period, and lasts for about a week, until the PMS monster creeps into my soul....and I realize my euphoria was a facade.

Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.

Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.

For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.

I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.

Period. The end.

...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.

Introducing...

Staples.

Let me first start out by saying that I am completely in lust. I feel like I am playing out a scene from a movie...where instead of working in a beauty salon, I work in an office...and instead of being smitten over the UPS guy, I'm smitten over the Staples guy. Seriously people, I feel the urge to do the Bend and Snap every time he walks through the door.

Then, I remember I am not a petite blonde little thing (read: Reese Witherspoon), so the caution reenters my sails. Also, I'm quite positive my bend and snap would go awry (read: part in the movie where she breaks his nose with her snap).

I don't know what it is about him. Well...I do know what it is about him...

1. He's gorgeous. He's slightly taller than me, and has a rugged chiseled jaw accompanied by a deep voice. Honestly people, when he walks into our office I lose myself...I can hardly talk, my throat kind of swells up, and I'm sure my face is a million different shades of red (hot, right?).
2. He's a hard worker. He works full time plus is going to class on the side. I think that is absolutely sexy.
3. He loves baseball.
4. He plays summer softball (as do I).

See? Isn't this a PERFECT MATCH?

Wanna hear something funny? I don't even know his name. I've looked for a name tag and to no avail, no name. My mission for this week? Ask him his name the next time he's in the office. Knowing me, I'm sure I'll do or say something redonkulous!!!