Monday, January 27, 2014

The one where I realize life is pretty damn good.

I'm nearing the end of my 30th year of life.  In two short weeks, I'll turn 31 and no longer be considered a 30 year old, rather, a 30-something.  If you can't tell, I hadn't been all too excited.

As I faced exiting my 20's last year, I was a debbie-downer because I was still single, out of shape, blah blah blah; and as I vented my concerns to friends, the response I kept hearing was unanimous. 

"Being 30 has been the best so far."

The statement was far too abstract for my over-analytical mind to fully comprehend...until a few weeks ago when I was overcome with a mini-epiphany; being 30 actually was pretty kick ass.  In the past 11 months, I've taken an awesome trip to Las Vegas, spent time doing things that charge my battery (like digging in my gardens), gone on some mini road trips, shared some hilarious moments with friends, was the shoulder for other friends to cry on when life felt rough, purchased a chicken coop (but have yet to get birds), leaned on other friends when I thought life felt rough, taught my son how to ice skate (among many other awesome memories we created), and just acted like me (without the stress or anxiety of "messing things up"). 

My fresh, care-free perspective also lead me to re-activate a membership with an online dating website.  I've even met a man from the site, and to be honest, I'm currently smitten.  I can't help but ask myself; are things working out because I've FINALLY decided to let go of the majority of my insecurities....or is life finally deciding it's high time to start working like a well-oiled machine?  I suppose I'll never have a concrete answer, but dammit I'm bound and determined to enjoy the ride.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

First 2nd Date of 2014

After my son told me (on two separate occasions, mind you) that all he wanted was for me to date someone, I couldn't resist dusting off my dating cobwebs, and re-committing to an online dating subscription.  Why online dating?  When you are on a budget, are a 100% solo parent (meaning my son is with me 24/7), work full time, and am still in college full time all I can squeeze into my schedule is some online flirting with the hopes that one of the more attractive male subscribers will be interested enough in my quirky online-self to setup a date (could I write a longer sentence?!). 
I have going for me what almost every other over weight girl has going for them; I've got a great personality.  Almost in a depressing way.  Depressing because I feel like I'm so much more than just a great personality, but then mirrors and wobbly bits enter the picture, and they hide me from the sexy great guys.

I recently went on two dates with a 32 year old single father.  He has two boys, blonde hair, blue eyes, is beyond hot...and did I mention he's super in shape?  We've been out twice; the first time meeting for wine and spending three hours talking.  The second time was initiated by me (at the end of our first date).  We went to a comedy club and had a few drinks.  It was nice.  He's nice; to look at, to talk with. 

There's a little demon inside of me nagging "he's out of your league! what are you doing?! he must just be a nice guy, too nice to say he's not interested." 

I don't know how to break away from my negative cycle of self doubt.  At the end of the second date there was no kiss.  I bit my tongue to see if he was into me at the end of our date, and no, he didn't setup another time for us to see each other.  My (rather large and wobbly) gut is telling me he's just not that into me.  I want to accept it, and I have accepted it, but damn that's a depressing thing to do.  I feel like he's not into me because I'm not fit....and not in a shallow way either.  I believe he's such a great guy that he literally deserves a woman who is as cool as me, but looks like a barbie.  As cool as I am, I'm never going to be a barbie...hell, I wasn't even a barbie before I had my son (and getting pregnant living solo and fighting off mental demons the past eight years has certainly expanded my waste line in ways I wish it hadn't). 

What's a girl to do?

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A year in review

I am not quiet about the fact that I really didn't like the year 2013.  Most of it was a headache.  Drama-filled.  Stressful.  Is it really fair of me to blame 365 days on a number?  Meh, probably not fair, rational or reasonable...but it's what I'm doing (and I'm not feeling the least bit guilty about it).  Then again, is it more appropriate to blame the past 365 days on me?  The stress, drama-induced grossness on the fact that I really never took the time to really dig deep and figure who I am, what I want and where I want to be.

The next 365 days I want to dedicate to just that.  Digging deep.  Holding myself accountable for life.  Slowing down (a LOT).  Making sure my time spent is well spent and spewing with high amounts of quality. 

A person I know shared words of his friend.  Words that are the epitome of digging deep.  Words I am going to do my best to live by for the next 365 days:

"A resolution is a “firm determination”. It’s a firm decision to do something or to refrain from doing something. It’s a determination of an action. And why do we fail to keep these resolutions? Because the desire for change isn’t a strong enough force to bring about lasting change. Desire is only part of the puzzle. And actions disconnected from belief and conviction are empty motions that may build your reputation but do nothing for your character. Desire comes from the heart. Conviction comes from the soul. Belief is harbored in the mind. And actions are simply our bodies outward expression of what the rest of our Self is saying. If you want to experience true change entertain my list of 14 New Years resolutions for 2014. None are actions, but your actions might be shaped if you’re willing to let them be. 1. Know that you can Give even when it’s not the Holiday season. FYI: People are NOT in greater need in December. There are 11 other months and endless opportunities to Give throughout year. 2. Be humble. Stand at the foot of a mountain, at the edge of the ocean, or in the middle of a forest and ask yourself,”What did I do to contribute to this creation?” Hint: The answer is “Nothing”. You’re not that big of a deal. 3. Believe that your self-worth is not rooted in the number of “likes” you get. 4. Believe that WHO you are is more important that what you own, where you live, or what you drive. 5. Listen to your soul before you listen to your heart. How can you tell the difference? You typically don’t really want to do what your soul is whispering to you. And your heart often screams louder than your better judgment. 6. Know that health isn’t measured by numbers and isn’t achieved by pills. 7. Know that Hope doesn’t cost a thing. But it’s the best investment. 8. Understand the difference between “being known” and “being famous”. Our soul wants one and our heart wants another. Try to figure out which wants which. 9. Know that there is a fine line and a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. 10. Believe that phone calls and conversations are more powerful than Tweets and Posts. 11. Believe that someone else can learn from your biggest mistake. 12. Know that you can’t effectively care for someone you think less of. If you serve someone you think less of, you’re only serving yourself. Work hard to dignify those you serve. 13. Commit to seeing the potential in someone before seeing the problems. 14. Believe in the power of presence. Show up more. May 2014 bring you more opportunities to do good. May we all look to live beyond ourselves and have the courage to change the world within us before the world around us."