After my son told me (on two separate occasions, mind you) that all he wanted was for me to date someone, I couldn't resist dusting off my dating cobwebs, and re-committing to an online dating subscription. Why online dating? When you are on a budget, are a 100% solo parent (meaning my son is with me 24/7), work full time, and am still in college full time all I can squeeze into my schedule is some online flirting with the hopes that one of the more attractive male subscribers will be interested enough in my quirky online-self to setup a date (could I write a longer sentence?!).
I have going for me what almost every other over weight girl has going for them; I've got a great personality. Almost in a depressing way. Depressing because I feel like I'm so much more than just a great personality, but then mirrors and wobbly bits enter the picture, and they hide me from the sexy great guys.
I recently went on two dates with a 32 year old single father. He has two boys, blonde hair, blue eyes, is beyond hot...and did I mention he's super in shape? We've been out twice; the first time meeting for wine and spending three hours talking. The second time was initiated by me (at the end of our first date). We went to a comedy club and had a few drinks. It was nice. He's nice; to look at, to talk with.
There's a little demon inside of me nagging "he's out of your league! what are you doing?! he must just be a nice guy, too nice to say he's not interested."
I don't know how to break away from my negative cycle of self doubt. At the end of the second date there was no kiss. I bit my tongue to see if he was into me at the end of our date, and no, he didn't setup another time for us to see each other. My (rather large and wobbly) gut is telling me he's just not that into me. I want to accept it, and I have accepted it, but damn that's a depressing thing to do. I feel like he's not into me because I'm not fit....and not in a shallow way either. I believe he's such a great guy that he literally deserves a woman who is as cool as me, but looks like a barbie. As cool as I am, I'm never going to be a barbie...hell, I wasn't even a barbie before I had my son (and getting pregnant living solo and fighting off mental demons the past eight years has certainly expanded my waste line in ways I wish it hadn't).
What's a girl to do?