Seriously.

I am REALLY GOOD at faking it (take your mind out of the gutters).  I walk into rooms, make eye contact, smile, say hello in a voice people can hear.  I EXUDE confidence.  It seeps from my pores when I'm in public.  I'm here to tell you, the adage of faking it until you make in terms of 'being content being single because then "POOF!" the magical "right guy" will come along and knock you off your feet' is bullshit.  BULLSHIT. (and I don't feel bad for saying so, seeing as I'm drafting this on "profanity Friday").

Maybe I'm getting the entire concept of "faking it" wrong; last time I checked, to fake being happy was to do just what I've been doing....??

I smile.
I say hello.
I laugh.
I engage myself in conversations.
I ask questions and listen to others around me.
What am I missing?

After letting my last online dating subscription expire, I've swallowed a bit more pride and re-signed up for a different online dating website.  Since it's been about five years since I've done this, I'm curious to see what has changed with this service (and will be the least bit surprised if much aside from the web graphics have changed).

While filling out my freshly minted profile, I was asked the typical "pick three words your friends would use to describe you."  What a malarkey thing to ask someone.  First,  if my friends would be picking these words how in the hell WOULD I KNOW what they would pick?!  Second, barf.

On a whim I messaged a close friend, a guy, who also happens to be gay, and asked him to pick three words to describe me.  His words?  Funny, energetic, and driven.  Interesting because I wouldn't have picked those words to describe me AT. ALL.  (See?  I've foiled this stupid system already).

Here's to round BAZILLION in the online dating ring; and subsequently a bank account that is less $200.00.

More than most

I have manners

People laugh at how I say the words “mittens” and “buttons” (because the graces of my Minnesotan accent make me innately over-annunciate the “t’s”).

I am thrown off when men compliment me, or hold doors (not because I don’t enjoy these things, but more because they happen so rarely I don’t know how to respond when such things happen).

I wear my heart on my sleeve; not in a cliché way, either…more in a way that I allow myself to be as open as possible .

Almost all people are busy, but being busy is no excuse to not make time for someone;  I work 40+ hours per week, am taking 12 college credits and am a solo parent.  If you tell me you’re too busy to set aside time, then I’ll move on…because if you can’t find time in your “busy schedule” to make time for me, I will not sacrifice time in my impossible schedule for you.

I tend to try and make jokes out of situations when I feel extremely uncomfortable; in fact, the more uncomfortable, the more inappropriate my jokes seem to be.

I get secretively excited when I get to ride in a car because 99% of the time I am the one driving.

I am forward in a way in which I will tell you how I am feeling, but will do so in an attempt to spare your feelings if I think what I have to say is harsh.

I crave spontaneity…especially because my schedule forces me to be fairly regimented.  Many times, my spontaneity comes out through extremely random conversations

I am a tried and true hopeless romantic.

I absolutely need to work on my own self confidence.

With everything I’ve listed above, I can say without blinking an eye that I am open to love.

Focusing on what I have is far more important to me these days than on things that I don’t.  One could argue that many of the things I’ve listed above are things I have; but the means to the end of the items listed above is the sole fact that I do NOT have a partner who appreciates those things in me….

So what do I have?

I have a little boy who is absolutely amazing.  His eyes read me in ways I’ve never been read before.  Our shared quirky humor regularly catches me off guard for never in a million years could I have imagined another person would get me.  Sure, he’s all of seven and a half years old, but we are connected in an amazing way, and I am beyond grateful that I am his mother.  He’s one of the sweetest little men that I know, and I hope with all my hearts some of the lessons (like NEVER EVER EVER make plans with someone and drop them off after 20 minutes) sticks inside his memory.  Instilling the decency within him, through small little lessons to truly treat others with the same kindness and respect you wish to receive will ultimately be my greatest reward….doing these things I don’t need another half, I just need myself. 

I often repeat that I truly am happy being single, and in the same breath I ask if anyone around me knows of any other single guys.  I ask because I don’t want others to assume that, just because I’m open about being comfortable being single, means that I am NOT open to meeting a man and sharing my life; ultimately, I deeply want to share my life with a partner but when you don’t have something you REALLY REALLY WANT what’s the best course of action?  Is overstating how content I am being single the opposite of action? 

Silence

And then there was silence.

I can’t explain the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s (and most importantly the why’s.  I couldn’t stay away from him.  Sure, I could pretend I did the noble thing and stood my ground, but I didn’t, and I’m not one for pretending.  The selfish urge within me took over, and within a week of not speaking we were back to texting every day.  I honestly can’t even recall HOW it happened (I suppose I could go back in my text-archives…but that just sounds like far too much work).  Long story short; he came, and I compromised me through selfishly allowing myself to sleep with him.  I am still undecided if (or HOW MUCH) I am disappointed in the fact that I didn’t allow myself to walk away and leave things as they were, or if I’m angry at him for pursuing me until he got what he wanted. 

The result of our one sultry night was this; $50.00 spent on “plan b” and our friendship is no more (and neither is our scandalous relationship).  

Truth; a large part of me is relieved.  He had more baggage than I think I could have physically or mentally handled.  He disclosed to me he had been having suicidal thoughts the past couple of months, and whether he said that to foster sympathy or if it was actually the truth is still up in the air….but another reason why I’m flooded with relief that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. 

Second truth:  I’m still a bit bummed even though the cons of our relationship/friendship/situation was stressful, wrong, and more emotional baggage than I could physically handle, I’m bummed I compromised me in the process of trying to open myself up again.  Does this mean I’m not ready or capable of finding and beginning a healthy relationship because I couldn’t stand my ground with him, or does this mean he just wasn’t the right one?  I’m uncertain of the answer.

I don’t want to give up, but I feel like it would be the easiest thing to do in terms of finding love beyond what I have with my small family of two.  

The last time we saw each other he left his watch at my place; he’s now texting me to get it back.  The good side of me wants to give it to my neighbor (who works with him), and be done….but there’s another part within me that wants to flip him the bird and tell him to piss off.  The third little bit inside of me wants me to get it fixed (because did I mention his watch is BROKEN), just to spite him and show him that I’m a good person who does the right thing, and that he can’t have me….(which, let’s be real…sounds even crazier than this man actually is).  

Eff.

I don’t know what to do, what the right answer is, or what tomorrow is going to look like.  Trying to surrender control is so damn hard.  I’m still trying to decipher what I’ve learned from this entire situation, and at the same time regret the entire situation even happened.