Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Love in Timing

The sunrise was a mixture of pastels only nature would think to mesh together. The winter air, crisp, felt surprisingly light. Sure, I'd rather be on a tropical island, but today I was content as I staired at the sky and took in the sights of the sunrise while driving to work. The sunlight made me think of Alaska.
I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, and it's not a bad thing. I've had the sinking feeling the two of us have been reaching out to each other for completely different reasons. I want to explore what "could be." He wants material to jack off....I'm not one to supply such material, unless I am in a committed, trusting relationship, I digress.
This all reverts back to love being highly correlated with timing.
I was recently asked if I had faith that I would find him, my partner, my other half, my soulmate. I scoffed and stated, "I don't know if there's a man on this planet who could handle me and everything I come with...I lost my instruction manual a long time ago, and feel like I'm a bit much to handle." The truth is, I have faith, but the faith is continuously clouded by my past mistakes, my heavy history, and my current insecurities. I know I need to work on getting through/over these things before my faith in finding my other half fully blooms...and that's just fine by me.
I could sit and place the blame that THERE ISN'T ONE GOOD SINGLE DECENT MAN OUT THERE...but that's not true...what holds true is the good, single, decent man I am searching for hasn't been found when the time has been right.
So, today I sit at my desk. I'm happy I was able to take in such an amazing sunrise. I'm thankful I have a job. I am blessed to have my health, and my baby boy in my life. Today, I am happy.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Dream.

Lately, my internal dialogue has been tugging at my soul. I'm happy being single. I have no expectations, conflict, disappointment....at least none of those things I can blame on someone else. Being single is eye opening. It forces you to hold yourself accountable, even when you really don't want to, or try to resist accountability with all of your might.

I really am happy being single, while simultaneously wondering if I truly ever will cross paths with my one true love. A man who will look at me and melt my soul. A man who will see, feel and believe I deserve his love, and will believe he deserves mine equally. I dream and wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I go to sleep and ask my brain to dream of my wedding day, the day when it's my turn in the realm of romance. Most of the time, I dream of myself standing on a beach holding his hands....Everyone and no one is there. We are surrounded by love, and it is not only about me, but about us and the life we're starting together. There's a light breeze, and the sky has electric hues of blue with not a cloud in the sky. The day is perfect....

Then I wake up...my perfect dream of my wedding day almost haunts me because it feels so out of reach. It feels like too much of a fantasy world to be realistic for me, but dammit, I deserve it. With billions of people in the world I'm bound to find him, the man who will love me, and whom I will love. The man I deem crazy enough to put up with my silly antics.

Tonight, I sit at my computer continuing to survive single plus one, and tonight, I'll go to sleep being happy and content with myself and my life.