My moment

How does a person cope when they feel like is just too damn busy?  Me....I get irritable and the inevitable unveils itself in the form of ugly crying.  On my way to the gym after work yesterday, I felt it bubbling in the pit of my stomach; sheer and utter irritability.  My mind began to race; work (which isn't going the greatest), school (I'm only one week into the semester), parenting (I feel like a complete failure and disconnected from my son), my non-fitness level (I'm about 100lbs overweight, and can't seem to see the light at the end of the fitness tunnel), dating (why in the hell is dating/relationships so flipping complicated), money (the fact that I DON'T HAVE ANY REGARDLESS OF HOW HARD I WORK)....all these thoughts bubbling in my stomach like the calm before the storm.

To help refocus, I tried to only focus on the small group work out I was heading to.  I raced through the gym doors, and had made some pretty great time managing to ONLY be five minutes late.  Do I think the workout helped?  Considering I ugly cried at my locker after the workout, I'd answer with a "maybe."

My heart is screaming at me to be patient; this is only temporary, and focus on the good stuff (DAMMIT).  Then my head enters the room...and my head is a royal bitch.  Quieting my head has got to be the key to my success, and what better way to quiet the screams then dive head-first into loads of work (that I'm expected to do in the first place).

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And on a slightly separate note, I am so ready for this crappy winter to be over.  This mama needs the sun back, and clear roads to walk around at night....birds, flowers and green grass help a bit too.

Beating my negative self

You're not good enough.
What guy would want you?
You're too fat.
You're going to be alone and that's just the way it is.

The affirmations listed above had been permeating my very being for a loooooooong time (like, since as far back as I can remember).  I honestly think turning 30 allowed me to challenge those negative affirmations that had been haunting me; particularly because I had not fulfilled two of my large life goals (graduating from college and being married) before my age ticked out of my 20's. 

Twice in a month, my son told me he wanted me to date.  How does a girl go into the dating world when negative mantras are repeated regularly?  Answer: She doesn't.

Something gave, more specifically the second time he mentioned his desire for mama to start dating.  Sure, I've given the wonderful world of relationships an elementary effort in the years since becoming a mom....but never really had given it a good college try.

This time has been different.  This time, these are the mantra's I've been constantly repeating (while looking in the mirror):

Damn I look good.
Hello there!  You get'm girl.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
You deserve to have fun.
You deserve to be treated like a princess.