Christmas Bells Are Ringing.

I was spoiled at Christmas this year.. Truly and utterly spoiled.

My parent splurged on a Wii, a Wii Fit Plus, and the Wii Play (that came with an extra controller)....It is something I have wanted for a couple of years.

Every year my mom asks for a Christmas Wish List. I comply, and the first four things on my list are always as follows:

1. A husband
2. A house
3. A winning lottery ticket
4. A personal trainer

I suppose I can check personal trainer off of my list now...YIPPEE!!

I also received a digital coffee maker...which was definitely an upgrade from my 25 year old Mr. Coffemate maker...I am almost certain I would collect thousands of dollars if I had the old coffee maker appraised at the Antiques Road Show. Seriously.

So, yes. Santa was wonderful to me. Baby boy was also spoiled (as he should be), and aside with witnessing my family consume far too much alcohol, Christmas was darn-near perfect.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmahaunikwanzika. Do you have any fun plans to ring in the new year?

Missing him.

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.

1. We would be civil with each other.
2. We would spend a lot of time with one another.
3. He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
4. I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
5. We wouldn't talk for a while.
6. Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

Part 2 of 2

"Your brother is going to be sent to Afghanistan in April instead of September. We aren't going to act all goofy about it. It is what it is."

Her words sounded confident.

I hadn't really opened up with her about my feelings towards my brother. I felt like this was my opportunity to let my mom know how I was feeling.

"Mom, to be quite honest, I don't know how to react to that kind of news. I've made myself extremely clear since the moment he enlisted that I was not happy about it. It was always a strong possibility he'd be sent to a war zone, and was even more apparent after Obama's speech the other week. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I already feel like my brother is dead to me, so how do you expect me to act when you tell me something like that."

I wish I could swallow those words back up because what happened next completely broke my heart.

She lost it.

I asked her if I had to bring her down to the psych ward, because before I chose to blurt out those awful words she was fine.

Where did those words and thoughts come from? Months of pent up anger, resentment, and disgust towards myself and my brother for our non-existent relationship. Months of having to bottle those feelings up when I spoke with my mom because she REFUSED to allow me to talk with her about my dissolving relationship with her son.

The tears I have cried because of that boy could fill the Mississippi.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME!!!"

"Mom, I'm not saying I want him dead...I'm saying that my relationship with him is gone. Over. Done with. He's non-existent to me, and I'm non-existent to him. It's not like this happened yesterday, mom. This has been going on for a long time, and you've refused to talk with me about it."

"I TRIED TO FIX THINGS BUT YOU REFUSED" she sobbed. (she demanded I attend a "mandatory family meeting" at her place, and I declined because I felt like it was going to be too hostile, unproductive, and awful...I refused to subject myself to walking in on a firing squad).

I explained myself and my feelings again..but at that point, the word of death was the only thing running through her head. She was mentally checked out of any conversation thereafter.

I feel so guilty that those words flowed out of me so easily...but I can't change my feelings about him. He's no different to me than a stranger on the streets. How am I affected if his life is over? I'm not. My son is short a father, and has been short an uncle since before he was born.

+++++++++++++++++++

Side note: I am not a soldier hater. I am not anti-military. I am, however, against my brother deciding the military was his only option at succeeding in life. I think it was a cop out. I think my brother could change the world if he really set his mind to it, and I felt like cornering himself into the military was an easy way out....and it annoyed me. I also don't understand why a person who has a child in this world would enlist, when the possibility of death is so great.

I love my brother...and maybe my love for him hurts too much because of all of the animosity between the two of us. We don't talk. We don't know each other....and that sucks.

I'm sure conservatives will have a hay-day with my thoughts and feelings on my brother. I'm not saying they're right, and I'm not saying they're wrong...but my feelings are my feelings...you can disagree with my feelings, but they won't change (at least not today).

Part one of Two

Embarrassed.
Sad.
Angry.
Annoyed.
Scared.

My brother and I haven't had much of a relationship for a long time now. We're different. We don't get along well, and never have. About four years ago he enlisted in the Navy.

I was livid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...he was choosing to be "responsible" for ONCE in his life. However, I am still upset with him that signing up for the military was the only option he foresaw that would force him to clean up his life for the sake of his small daughter (who was just a baby at the time he enlisted). In my eyes, having a child should have been reason enough for him to stop using drugs. Having a child should have been reason enough to stay home at night instead of running around town at night. Having a child should have been enough motivation to keep a full-time job so he could provide and watch his daughter grow up....But those weren't strong enough motivating factors in his life to stay sober...All the boy could breath was the military.

I was proud to hear he was on the straight and narrow.....but if you ask me, I think his straight and narrow is a facade because when he comes home on leave, he's a wreck loose.

When he's home, all the kid wants to do is run with his crew. Drink. Be "social." Run around town all night. Sleep all day.

I get it..he's on "vacation". Whatever. He's irresponsible, and his actions make me think that he's still the same manipulative druggie he was six years ago. I'm through buying his "good guy" act.

So...where is all of this back story going?

Last night, I called my mom to tell her I scheduled a massage for myself on Thursday night. A second into the telephone conversation she told me my brother was going to Afghanistan in April. Her exact words were "We aren't going to get all goofy about this. He's going. It is what it is."

She sounded strong. I felt like I could talk with her, and be honest.

I was wrong.

Me.

Does one really survive single? Meh. Who knows anymore.

This chick, right here, needs the touch of a man. An endearing, electric, sensual, committed, healthy, stable touch of a man. Since the combination of the previous does not exist in one man, maybe I need the touch of men (?).....hahahaha...no, one man will do.

I still don't know who He will be.
I still don't know if I'll ever find Him.
Only time will tell.

With the dawn of the grey, cold and dull season (otherwise known as winter), I've found myself slightly more rejuvenated than I have been in years past.

I don't have a man to thank for this...I have myself, and my will to live each day as if it were my last.

I'm beginning to think that my life will be spent alone +1. I'm beginning to make peace with that. I don't even know if I'll have time for Him if He were to walk into my life at this moment. I spend Monday through Thursday working, and taking care of baby boy. Friday I spend at the office, but my Friday evening through Sunday evening are busy almost every weekend. There is always laundry to do, my baby boy to play with, an errand to run here and a tank of gas to fill up there.

Is this me giving up on men? Not at all. I still yearn for the touch and smell of Him. This is me deciding life is too short to spend time constantly looking around and wondering when we'll meet each other.