Sunday, April 26, 2009


Life, up to date:

1) Still single
2) Still wish I wasn't
3) Beginning to slowly realize being single isn't at bad as I always make it out to be
4) I have a great appreciation for AA batteries
5) I have spent many hours this week cooking delicious meals, and equal hours enjoying said meals
6) I've got a short work week ahead of me, and have plans to take a fun day trip!!
7) Have re-realized that baby boys laughter is the most heartwarming noise I've ever laid ears on
8) As often as I've felt alone, I've managed to remind myself that life is mostly about attitude and choice
9) I now choose to be happy, even in the face of frustration
10) I've always felt like a mixture of Bridget Jones and that chick from Jerry McGuire. One could only be so lucky!! I've got a great life, awesome baby boy, and my health.. I don't need a psycho Tom Cruise in my, a sexy British man? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming about that one!

Yes, a bullet post is slightly week and boring...but it encompasses my life as of late: kinda boring, a huge contradiction with moments of awesomeness. How have things been in your world?

Monday, April 20, 2009

I Shake My Fist

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Sunday, April 19, 2009


I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.


I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I did laundry in my bathtub last night.

Why? Because this mama is BRIZOKE!

It was actually kind of fun*! I had baby boy pile up the clothes we needed to wash. (He got extremely excited when the bubbles began forming in the tub). We soaked the clothes in the soapy water for about an hour...then I "agitated them" for ten minutes, rinsed...allowed them to soak in fresh, non-soapy water, then wrung them out as best I could, placing the clothes on hangers hanging in my bathroom. Yeah, it sucked. Did I mention this was a free alternative to the laundry room? Oh YEAH**! (I'm that sad and pathetic).

I had been thinking of the tub laundry approach for about a week. My laundry has really began piling up, and I'm too cheap to do anything about it. It wasn't until I heard someone refer to doing laundry in their bath tub that I felt validated enough to try it out for myself. I think it will work better once it's warm outside, so the clothes will actually DRY overnight instead of remaining very damp after 8+ hours of hanging.

*I feel like I'm living the life of a poor wench from 1902.
**I'm so cool that I'm high-fiving myself. Don't be jealous.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Introducing Danger (or D).

Whenever we converse, I feel an immense amount of physical sexual tension. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint where it comes from, but it's there. Maybe it's because D is so mystic. It could be the constant 5pm shadow, D's musical talents, or the fact that I know he's a bad boy and the only need he would fulfill would be solely physical (I know this, because I've had lengthy discussions with him, I digress).

He abuses drugs and alcohol (like I said, he's a bad boy, although I've been down that road and refuse to go back).
He's a non conformist. It makes me laugh.
I can tell D's heart wants to give, but I know he will refuse it the liberty to do so.
Although this man lives far, far away and we've never met in person, I know he's dangerous for me. I get excited and fearful for what would happen should we ever actually meet.

There's something about him that electrifies my innards. I am beginning to realize I want him because I know I cannot have him.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

A night I want to erase.

I took a break from alcohol for the month of march. I had fun without spending unnecessary money. I remembered the details of entire evenings, and I did it all sober.

It's not that I have a problem with alcohol. The break was to prove to myself that I don't have issues with it.

On Saturday I was invited to go out with a friend of mine, and company she had visiting from out of town. The day before, I was informed the company was a lesbian couple. I don't understand why she felt the need to tell me that, because I would not have cared less. I felt a little uncomfortable with the situation of just the four of us kicking it...but decided to meet the pair before passing judgement. Honestly, their sexual orientation was NONE of my business.

When I met up with them to grab a quick bite before we went out, I was jovial. One of the girls was very talkative and comfortable, as was my friend...but one was oddly quiet. Since this was my first time drinking, I tried making the most of the situation, but I'd be lying if I told you I was comfortable.

The four of us headed back to my friend's place, and proceeded to mix up cocktails. Late in the evening we decided to walk to the watering hole just down the road, and have some shots and chill. Walking in, I ran into a kid I went to high school with. He was a dick in high school and things hadn't changed. I tried saying hello, and he shrugged me off. His loss I suppose!

We sat at the same table I had been at on the last day of February. I looked around, and the same guy I hit on the last day of February was there. In a nutshell, I had made an ass of myself the last time I was at this place, and should've known the guy was going to be there, I digress.

I ordered us a round of shots, brought them to the table, and EVERYONE turned their nose up to them. Yes, the bartender had effed the shots up and they were heavy on Crown, but WHO CARES! They were shots, we were drinking. My feelings were hurt that I was the only one who took the shot, not to mention I was already inebriated, which intensified my internal pity party even more.

I continue to browse the bar crowd, and who do I see but the guy I made out with the last time I drank..ya know...on the last day of February when I was on a roll. Not only had I made out with this guy, but I had given him my number and he never called me. Burn.

When I saw him, he actually knew the majority of the people at the bar. I was completely taken aback, sitting there while he walked around shaking people's hands and saying hello. You see, (not that it matters) when I had met him just over a month earlier at the same establishment he was sitting quiet, not talking to anyone. Picking the same bar I had met him at seemed like a safe bet for me (not that i was avoiding him...but I didn't NEED to see him). I felt like a tool.

My mood was intensified when I had a verbal spat with my friend , in front of her company. It was mis-communication on both of our parts...and it didn't help the stellar night I was having. At. All.

Since I was drunk, I wanted to smoke because it's the ONLY time I can smoke...weird, I know. Nobody in my group smoked, so I had to go up to Make-Out boy and bum one from him. I told him he should come outside and smoke with me, and he obliged. I was looking forward to clearing the air (lol, that's funny considering we were smoking...I digress yet again!). I wasn't half way through my cig and my friend walked up and said they were walking home, and told me I was coming with her. Huh-WHAT?

At that point, I wanted to punch her in the face. My night was already shitty, and there she was, yanking me away from a boy I was talking with...a boy who, if anything, could have been my drunk make-out buddy. Grr.

Did I mention it was snowing at this point? Huge, frozen, beautiful snowflakes were everywhere, and it was APRIL. Double Grr.

I wanted to leave the situation completely. I didn't want to leave my car, because if I left I didn't want to go back to the house the next day. I knew I couldn't drive, so I had to suck it up and pass out. It sucked.

So today, I sit here bummed with a headache. I guess I was fortunate to have many fun nights that included drinking, moreso than not. Last night was one of those "nots."

The night could have been worse, sure...but I know the night also could've been better.