Surviving Single + 1

Seriously Life....Settle down already!!

2011-10-31T11:24:00.004-05:00

I'm am crabby today. Downright pissy, actually...and instead of unloading on a friend and burdening them with my petty bullshit, I'm unloading it here...because, why the hell not?

My LOVELY mother (insert copious amounts of sarcasm here) and I have not been on speaking terms for over a week because she had the audacity to insinuate that I was a bad mother because I had asked for help watching my son to go to an all-attend work meeting which announced the layoff of seven employees from my office. Thankfully, I was not a victim of this layoff, however, my office is very small and very close, so a good friend of mine was. In lieu of going STRAIGHT to pick up my son when the meeting was over, I drove to my coworkers house...she had left the office BEFORE I had arrived for the meeting, and was sitting at home alone, wallowing in the news that she would no longer be employed.....so, I did what any friend would do...I went and made sure she wasn't alone, listened to her vent, and was there.

Ya know, it would be one thing if I unloaded my son on my mother and her husband ALL OF THE TIME, but the fact is, I don't, especially because bullshit like this happens. She (for whatever reason) becomes a jealous bitch, and I won't tolerate her snarky attitude. I am open and up front with her, and tell her I don't understand or appreciate her attitude and that I refuse to fight with her...but after I hear that she's spread her ugly opinion to my father (the man whom she cheated on and divorced 11 years ago) I consider the line crossed.

I'm done with her...which makes me equally happy and sad. Does anyone want to adopt a 28 year old single mother and her 5 year old son?

Speaking of five-year-olds...holy shit has he been pushing my buttons lately. Where do I even begin? Oh, I know! How about finding my work clothes smeared with his shit?! Yeah, you read that right. He literally decided to wipe his ass with MY CLOTHES!!!! I swear to god.

His response: "It will come out in the laundry, mom."

...You'd also think Kindergarten would be a BREEZE OF A YEAR for the parent of a school kid. WRONG. Kindergarten has been hell thus far. From a call from my son's teacher explaining that he was put in a Kindergarten version of detention called the "sit and think room" from bashing a kid in the face with his lunch box, to hearing daily that his name has been put on the board because he isn't listening...oh, and HERE's a good one...he had an older kid do his damn homework for him!! Yup...my son is "that kid."

Trying to be a "fun mom" we bought three pumpkins over the weekend as part of my son's reward for not getting his name on the board on Friday. Last night, as part of a reward for my son behaving at a wake we had to attend, we got to carve the pumpkins. OF COURSE the safe pumpkin knife broke after the first pumpkin...and OF COURSE it was 9pm so we couldn't run out to get another knife. Do I wait until today to carve the rest of my pumpkins? Nope. That would be TOO easy. Instead, I try to use my six inch serrated knife....I know you know where this is going.

Yup. I put that damn knife into the tip of my thumb. I let out over a dozen expletives, attempted to control the massive bleeding amongst the throbbing pain to see just how far the knife went into my thumb (about 3/4 of a centimeter, enough to warrant a lot of blood, not enough for me to justify an embarrassing trip to the ER). Typically, I could give two hoots if I was single or in a relationship...unless something tramatic like lodging a six inch serrated knife into the tip of your thumb happens....moments like those I hate the fact that I'm single and alone.

Not only was I fighting tears of physical pain, but those are the moments in my life when the tears of my loneliness creep in...and MASSIVE amounts of ugly-crying inevitably happen.

I responded as level headed as possible after that, shaking as I tried to unwrap fingertip band aids with my teeth, and downing 1000 mg of ibuprofen, then calling it a night.

Today hasn't been much better, although, as I got into my car at lunch time some sappy song was playing on the radio about keeping your head up and blah blah blah. I looked at my car radio, and said "Dude, I'm trying, alright?! Lay off."

Insider Secret.

2011-10-17T12:43:00.002-05:00

Well folks, there's nothing like running into your crush as you're walking into the dermatology clinic, running into the love of your life's FIANCE while you're on a sporadic daytrip, or reading that Alaska is seriously contemplating moving back to MN on facebook to kick your week off to an amazing start.

Truth: My love life is still non-existent. I'm keeping extremely busy. So busy, in fact, that I become tired just thinking about it. I'm continuing to focus on myself, going to the gym 3, 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week (although you wouldn't guess it by looking at the scale, I digress). I've made appointments with a dermatologist to get my annoying acne (that only a 14 year old should have to endure) under control.

I'm trying to put me first. A rarity in the life of a full-time working, single mom.

I still find ways to have fun (read: sporadic day trip with a great friend), but I am still fighting my strong urge to want more.

For now, my only suggestion to you would be to invest in Duracell. I don't foresee my future without the copper-tops....at least not anytime soon.

Hello World

2011-09-22T12:57:00.003-05:00

A few updates since my last post:

I popped my Vegas Cherry...and it was amazing
I am still single
I keep finding myself sexting with Alaska....even though my gut tells me I'm just keeping myself busy because I'm so damn lonely
I'm now the parent of a school-aged child
I am now using up six months of a free dating website because the first six months did not land me my "match"
I'm extremely tempted to break my dry spell by sleeping with a married man, which makes me feel even more low for multiple reasons
It's been so long since I've had sex that:

My vibrator is sick of me
I'm beginning to think I might be deemed a born again virgin

Care to weigh in?

The one where I survive.

2011-07-11T08:19:00.000-05:00

I sat in front of the television with eyes, ears and a bit of my soul glued to the woman’s every word and mannerism. She is a true survivor, inspiring, yet the details of her story are so gruesome it chills me to the bone.

I’m still baffled that people can treat others so horribly. I don’t understand sexual predators. I find it hard to bring myself to the realization that there are people within our world that will attempt to steal humanity from others, young and old, through forced sexual acts.

I just don’t get it.

What I understand is Jaycee Lee Dugard’s will to survive, and how she had to survive a monster by keeping quiet. Although I only had to survive a monster for a few mere moments, there’s something that rings true to me in her story. Unfortunately, there can be moments when your life is threatened that you sit and take it, knowing that a struggle could cost you your last breath. When the horrific moment was over for me, I had a chance to run. My heart breaks that Jaycee never had the same chance.

I want to buy her book and read her story. I fully support educating people that surviving is possible. There is life after abuse.

Smidgen of an Update

2011-04-06T15:20:00.003-05:00

I need something to give right about now.

See, although I’ve claimed to give up on men, and start focusing on me, myself and I…and can’t totally say I’ve been doing my best. I haven’t been to the gym in a week due to an INSANELY CRAZY schedule that I can’t even begin to explain. Oh, and then there was that public make-out session while I was extremely drunk last weekend (with a boy I’ll call Big V, whom I had only met for the first time, but had known OF him for a long time via facebook, I digress).

Have I mentioned I started taking happy pills last fall? I didn’t? Hmm…well, if I did or I didn’t, I kinda sorta forgot to take them for the past two weeks….WHAT WAS I EFFING THINKING?! No worries, I’m back on the blue little wonders….

Then there’s the “OMG I FEEL LIKE I’M PREGGO BUT I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN ALMOST A DAMN YEAR” thing….Fer Realz. What in the hell is my problem? Right this very minute, it feels like a brand new minion is fluttering in my stomach! No joke…really, no joke. I made a doctor’s appointment because I was extremely unsettled that pseudo-pregnancy can be a contraindication of CANCER…eff that!

I’ll also let ya know that baby boy passed a wicked case of Strep Throat to me earlier this week. I swear to god it was the worst flipping sore throat I’ve ever had in MAH LIFE! The pain radiated to my ears. Gross.

I hate drama. Hate it. I have doing my damnedest to avoid drama, embrace the positive side of life, and breath...but that doesn't seem to be working too well for me lately. Any thoughts, suggestions, or extra good vibes you could spare for me? I greatly appreciate anything I can get at this point.

I'm Over It.

2011-03-06T19:38:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I met a man. Of course, the place we met was extremely random (read: my son's fifth birthday party). Of course, I wasn't expecting to meet a man that day. Of course, I was blown away by the attention.

What attention?

Well, looking back it was really nothing...but to a single girl whose past relationships have amounted to crap, it was a lot. A short, sweet email, which culminated in him asking for my number and stating he'd like to buy me coffee.

I was smitten.

I replied with my info, and waited. And waited. Eventually, I received a call from him (but I was in class so I couldn't answer). When I called him back, I got his voicemail, so a message from me saying "hi, tag, you're it" was left, and I continued to wait. The next night I received a text. We decided to meet on Saturday (aka, last night), and that was that...only we hadn't determined a time.

This story ends like all of the rest of my boy stories, which is why this introduction swayed from all of my previous man-troductions....it's one in the same.

He cancelled on me the last minute. Fuck me.

I say Fuck me as sarcastically as possible. I know I wasn't the reason. I know (and had a gut feeling) he had a lot of things going on in his life, and the timing (as right as it's felt the past couple of weeks) was hauntingly off (again, more so on his part than mine).

I'm so drained with men. I'm drained from keeping an open mind for SUCH. A. LONG. TIME...only to still find myself barely surviving single (plus one). I'm drained from becoming excited at new possibilities, only to have said possibilities amount to crap. Sure, I could attempt to be optimistic right now and say "well, this was a positive experience...a man was actually interested in ME for five minutes....and all I did was act myself...yay me!" except my positive energy is damn near close to extinct in my soul.

I want to ugly cry, but I'm sick of crying over men. I know I'm a strong, independent woman. I know I'm far from perfect, but there's a man out there who will be the yin to my yang...for the moment, I'm completely over putting forth any effort. Have I mentioned I'm drained? (yup, sure have...).

I am a full time working, single mother, who is in college...I am happy being a mom. In fact, I LOVE being a mom (although, most days it feels like the most thankless task EVER). I love my job. I love that I'm back in school exercising my brain. Honestly, a man isn't the void in my life....exercise is.

So...long story short...I'm over men, and turning my energy to regaining my physical fitness....that is, until the next man comes along (what? I'm only human!).

Introducing: Radio

2011-01-25T10:45:00.002-06:00

For a long time, I’ve had a secret crush on a man who works in my building. A man who just so happens to be on the radio weekday mornings. A man I'll refer to as Radio. A man who comes off as having a heart of gold. A man who I’ve found attractive for a long time, but I’ve never quite figured out a way to break the ice…until a few weeks ago.
Perhaps this is a bit stalkerish of me, but a few weeks ago, he happened to say his last name on-air. I couldn’t resist the opportunity to look him up on facebook, and although his profile was blocked, I sent him a message. It was an awkward message, but, in a nutshell, I asked him if he’d be willing to go out to lunch with me.
It took him three days to respond….but he accepted my invite, and sent me his phone number, as texting was easier for him than facebook messaging.
A few days of texting without setting our lunch date quickly wore on my nerves…I’m a girl of little patience, especially when it comes to something I want….I was as forward as I could appropriately be, and I told him I would be going out for lunch on a Friday, and if he was free he should meet up with me. When I didn’t hear a response from him for a day, I sent him another text that said “or not”. My text caught his attention, and he told me (via text) that he had a meeting. The man has no reason to lie to me, and I have no reason to believe he’s lying to me…he said Monday would work better, so I penciled him in.
Monday rolled around, and I made sure to look as hot as I could while still dressing appropriate for work….And then, I received his text. “I have another meeting. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Can we meet tomorrow?” I didn’t know how to feel…confused? Annoyed? Frustrated? Understanding?
I chose the high road, and told him that was fine….but I had to vent to someone about it. I chose my sister in law, as she’s also a single-fully employed-college student-mother, but it was after 4:30, so she had left her job for the day….a text was the only way to directly have my snarky venting message reach her.
“BTW, if he cancel’s on me tomorrow I’m going to respond with “STRIKE THREE JOE MAUER, YOU’RE OUT OF HERE.” I hit the send button, and was immediately confused……
OF COURSE I DIDN’T SEND THE TEXT TO MY SISTER IN LAW…I SENT IT TO HIM, RADIO. I can honestly say I can’t remember a time when I was more embarrassed in my life. I hate technology. I hate text messaging…and this entire incident has reconfirmed my hate for electronic communication.
To be continued…

Newsflash: Video didn’t kill the radio star….Texting did.

Do the numbers lie?

2011-01-12T10:02:00.003-06:00

There as a news story on numerology last night....I guess the date 1/1/11 was their inspiration, I digress.

This got me to thinking, I wonder what MY numerology life path would look like..? I couldn't resist taking a look at a numerology website, even though I really don't believe in astrology or numerology. What harm could it do to take a peak at what the numbers said about me and my life.

Here's what it said:
2011 is a year of dynamic change for you. Many surprises will come her way, and you better be open and ready to embrace new opportunities.
You must not be overly careful this year. 2011 is a year in which a major step forward can take place if she is willing to take some calculated risks and do a little gambling. Wisdom and prudence is the key, but you will definitely be faced with choices that require fast action and a willingness to act before all the facts are in. This is an exciting year in which she will be required to promote herself in order to take full advantage of the opportunities that await her. There will be increased opportunity to travel and possibly a change of residence.
You may be tempted by the desires of the flesh: too much food, alcohol, sex, and drugs. She must be careful and discriminate. You could make mistakes in these areas.
She will have some unexpected adventures and lucky breaks during 2011. This can be an unsettling year if she tries to cling to outmoded methods or characteristics. This a year to throw off the old and adopt the new. It is a rebirth and a release after last year's struggle.
2011 is a year in which change takes place consistently, and particularly so in April and May. July 2011 is a breakthrough, a time to enjoy life. September 2011 can be intense, while October 2011 requires tact and balance in relationships.

What's my honest to god reaction...? I like it. It's not perfect (because, lets be honest, life RARELY is...)...but it seems fairly spot-on. I'm starting school, I currently AM open to change, and I'm ready to conquer the world. Boom boom pow.

Do you believe in numerology or astrology? How do you feel about tit?

Cheers.

2011-01-03T08:06:00.000-06:00

2010 was a stellar year for me. I decided at the end of 2009 to dedicate 2010 to me...and that's exactly what I did.

I took myself to the spa, pampering myself with a massage, manicure, facial, hair cut and some new hair color.
I booked my very first "family vacation" for myself and baby boy.
I wore dresses in the summer.
I had people over for bbq's.
I made new friendships.
I weened myself away from unhealthy relationships,
I took a mini road trip to the north shore, a place I had never explored before.
I sorted out my past school financial crap, trudged through the muck, and am now a college student for the third time in my life.
I worked on me, myself and I, doing my best to make sure I was and am the person I want to be.

2010 really was a fantastic year for me....Here's to hoping the same, and at the risk of being selfish, here's to hoping for more in 2011.

Happy New Year.

Love in Timing

2010-12-28T08:09:00.005-06:00

The sunrise was a mixture of pastels only nature would think to mesh together. The winter air, crisp, felt surprisingly light. Sure, I'd rather be on a tropical island, but today I was content as I staired at the sky and took in the sights of the sunrise while driving to work. The sunlight made me think of Alaska.
I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, and it's not a bad thing. I've had the sinking feeling the two of us have been reaching out to each other for completely different reasons. I want to explore what "could be." He wants material to jack off....I'm not one to supply such material, unless I am in a committed, trusting relationship, I digress.
This all reverts back to love being highly correlated with timing.
I was recently asked if I had faith that I would find him, my partner, my other half, my soulmate. I scoffed and stated, "I don't know if there's a man on this planet who could handle me and everything I come with...I lost my instruction manual a long time ago, and feel like I'm a bit much to handle." The truth is, I have faith, but the faith is continuously clouded by my past mistakes, my heavy history, and my current insecurities. I know I need to work on getting through/over these things before my faith in finding my other half fully blooms...and that's just fine by me.
I could sit and place the blame that THERE ISN'T ONE GOOD SINGLE DECENT MAN OUT THERE...but that's not true...what holds true is the good, single, decent man I am searching for hasn't been found when the time has been right.
So, today I sit at my desk. I'm happy I was able to take in such an amazing sunrise. I'm thankful I have a job. I am blessed to have my health, and my baby boy in my life. Today, I am happy.

My Dream.

2010-12-18T23:09:00.002-06:00

Lately, my internal dialogue has been tugging at my soul. I'm happy being single. I have no expectations, conflict, disappointment....at least none of those things I can blame on someone else. Being single is eye opening. It forces you to hold yourself accountable, even when you really don't want to, or try to resist accountability with all of your might.

I really am happy being single, while simultaneously wondering if I truly ever will cross paths with my one true love. A man who will look at me and melt my soul. A man who will see, feel and believe I deserve his love, and will believe he deserves mine equally. I dream and wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I go to sleep and ask my brain to dream of my wedding day, the day when it's my turn in the realm of romance. Most of the time, I dream of myself standing on a beach holding his hands....Everyone and no one is there. We are surrounded by love, and it is not only about me, but about us and the life we're starting together. There's a light breeze, and the sky has electric hues of blue with not a cloud in the sky. The day is perfect....

Then I wake up...my perfect dream of my wedding day almost haunts me because it feels so out of reach. It feels like too much of a fantasy world to be realistic for me, but dammit, I deserve it. With billions of people in the world I'm bound to find him, the man who will love me, and whom I will love. The man I deem crazy enough to put up with my silly antics.

Tonight, I sit at my computer continuing to survive single plus one, and tonight, I'll go to sleep being happy and content with myself and my life.

Plucking Flower Petals

2010-11-22T10:24:00.005-06:00

He likes me....
He likes me not...
HE LIKES ME?!

Emails between me and Alaska seemed to have faded to non-existent. In October, we sent a dozen short messages back and forth. I (tried my damndest) to be casual and not make a big deal out of it (but, lets face it, inside I was screaming with excitement and the thought of "what could be" permeated my veins, I digress).

As spontaneous as the emails were when he first contacted me, POOF, he stopped responding.

I suppose this is to be expected when:

You really don't know each other
You live a country away from one another
It was just one night

I didn't lose sleep over it (which surprised me as much as I'm sure it surprises you). I moved on with my life...que serra serra.

And, just like before, POOF...My inbox alerts me to an email from him this past Saturday. Apologizing for not checking his email often. Saying he knows it's been a while since we've seen each other, and would love for me to send him some pictures...because, as long as it's been, he wants to see me again.

I am extremely cautious this minuscule internet-driven romance will go anywhere...I refuse to invest TOO much...but, damn. I like him. I like the small amount I know about him. I like that, even though some responses have taken a little long, he has kept responding. I like remembering back to that night...his eyes, lips, touch, and smell.

I like him.

Price Check, Aisle SERIOUSLY?!

2010-11-10T07:20:00.000-06:00

I was pushing three grocery bags full of vegetables with a fresh outlook on life to my car (over my lunch break). It was a GORGEOUS sunny November day...the kind we don't see in Minnesota very often. The air was warm, the sun was bright, life was good.

Today was different, although I didn't know it yet.

I happily pushed my shopping cart to my car, unloaded my loot, and went to push the shopping cart to the cart rack. As I was walking, I passed a man. Tall, with an eight o'clock shadow hugging his face. He was dressed casual, but nice. His shoes were well kept, and made from brown leather.

"Hi" he said to me as I passed him. It was a familiar "hi." I politely responded and then started racking my brain. Why did he seem like he knew me? Am I supposed to know him? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

When I turned around after returning my cart, he was standing still, staring at me.

"I'm totally checking you out." He was more forward than a drunk man at bar close time.

"Oh, ok"...that was the best I could come up with.

I We walked back towards my car...He was flooding me with compliments.

"I am so attracted to you. I normally don't do this, but I like to go after things that I like, and what can I say? I am really really attracted to you."

I could physically hear every word from his mouth, but at the same time it fell upon deaf ears because my inner conscious was screaming at me: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME? IS THIS GUY CRAZY? IS HE GOING TO TRY TO KIDNAP ME? OH SHIT, HE'S A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLING RAPIST!!! (OBVIOUSLY I have trust issues, I digress).

"Do a lot of guys talk to you and tell you this? I'm sure they do. How do I say this? I am really attracted to large chests" BOOM, there it was....WHO SAYS THAT?! Oh, that's right, this random dude does.

He asked if we could exchange numbers, but I tiptoed around it. I tiptoed around any sort of personal question (and by any, the only other personal question he asked me was if I worked close to the grocery store..which I do, so I told him yes, but I didn't elaborate beyond that). Maybe avoiding personal exchanges was for the best, but maybe I just blew my chance at finding my Him. What have I learned from this? I really need to work on my flirting/social skills!....Mama is severely RUSTY (when she hasn't had a glass or three of vino).

Happy Holidays

2010-11-08T09:30:00.003-06:00

Driving into work this morning, the etiquette of gift giving for the holidays was the pressing topic of the morning. I love love LOVE the holidays. The food, laughter, the huge snowflakes, the non-stop holiday music on the radio and glistening holiday lights that pollute the night....The holiday season always feels magical to me.

Am I religious? Not in the least. I like to consider myself a "recovering Catholic." I haven't been to church in as long as I can remember...In fact, the last time I attended "mass" as a single-unwed-mother I felt like a walking sinner, with guilt seeping out of me to the point where I feel too horrible to justify attending church....I was waiting for the white haired congregation to force me into a corner and tattoo the Scarlett letter on my forehead (yeah, that's a bit of an exaggeration...point being, I don't like going to church).

Christmas is, in fact, a religious holiday (DUH....it has the word Christ in it...no lie)....but to me, it's not about the Christ-factor...it's about getting together and sharing moments with close friends and family, usually over a delicious meal, or sitting around a living room....we make time for each other around the holidays. It's an occassion that's not a wedding or a funeral where we sit down, take deep breaths, and (of course) overeat to the point of feeling the onset of a food-coma to be inevitable.

Just my luck

2010-11-05T10:04:00.002-05:00

I’m craving to stir things up in my life….romantically….physically…..emotionally…..
I have this craving once every four to six months. I yearn to shift my mundane lifestyle. I feel a strong urge throw myself into the dating pool, and see if I’ll miraculously find a way to float, (especially after all the times I’ve sunk in the past).
Ironically enough, I received three messages from a free dating website I had signed up for moons ago.
One message was an innocent “How are you?” from a 46 year old. My mind flashed back to advice from an aunt, telling me to find a 40-something year old guy…..
I responded with “I’m fine, how are you?”….Why I didn’t check his full profile out first is BEYOND ME!
Warning, this might sound judgy mcjuderson on my behalf, but really….The man’s opening essay described himself as being recently divorced, not looking for a monogamous relationship, but rather a POLY-relationship. Why in the hell did I respond BEFORE READING HIS PROFILE?!
My inbox flashed a new message….and, sure enough, it was from Him. “I’m surprised you responded because of my profile.”
Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost. I politely told him I had failed to read his profile until AFTER I had originally responded. I wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle, but all the luck to him.
I don’t know much, but what I do know is there has to be someone somewhere who is right for me and my baby boy. I’m keeping the faith.

++++++++++++

On a semi-related note, I stumbled across this blog...and WOW she is an amazing writer! She basically has summed up what I also believe to be the definition of love, and is currently dabbling in her own online dating adventures...check her out, I promist it will be worth your time.

Orientation

2010-10-27T13:18:00.002-05:00

Well, folks....I've done up and done it. I'm admitted to college, set to begin classes in January....BUT....

This entire process has added roughly 1-million grey hairs to my twenty-something head. Since my former education didn't quite measure up to my new college's standards (read: my GPA sucked monkey balls), I was admitting as a student on ACADEMIC PROBATION. Yeah yeah yeah..I was young when I failed to be a successful college student, whatever, I was going back to school NOW so academic schmoschmation as far as I'm concerned.

The hoops my "probation" "required" me to go through:

Maintain a GPA of 2.5 or greater my first semester of school.
Have a course completion rate of 75% or greater.
Complete an online Academic Success Workshop.
Attend an In-Person Orientation

The orientation was last night and OH MY GOD! Who, in their right mind, schedules an orientation to begin at 5pm on a weekday. THE MIDDLE OF EFFING RUSH HOUR (as you can tell, I'm not your typical "yay I'm soooooooooo excited to be going to school...yippee" kind of gal..I want to go to class, pass with flying colors, and get my degree ASAP).

Not only did the orientation start at one of the worst possible times, but it was four flipping hours long. I HOPED to POSSIBLY sneak out early but NOPE...DIDN'T happen since you had to have a stupid sheet signed off to PROOVE that you were there (psha!).

Note to self: Don't mess up college this time around...it's a bitch to re-enroll and get your academic career back on track

Back to the Future

2010-10-11T14:38:00.003-05:00

Once something moves into the past for me, it almost ALWAYS stays there. The same cannot be said of Alaska. Since I doubt anyone will read the link, in a nutshell, here is his story:

We were both in the wedding party of a good friend of mine in August of 2009.
We both consumed a rediculous amount of alcohol.
We ended up in a hot and heavy makeout session.
He drove me home the next morning...his buddy sat in the front seat...the same buddy who also crawled UNDER THE COVERS next to us the night before, I digress...I sat in the backseat.
Numbers were never exchanged, but I managed to find his email address.
I emailed him a three-sentence message...he replied with a three sentence message...I replied...and I never heard from him again.

Thinking back to the time Alaska had flooded my thoughts, I was head over heels smitten...For a man whom I BARELY KNEW! Sure, we had mutual friends, but my GOD, it's not like we had ever hung out before the wedding...WHAT IN THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?! Note to me: Take your stereotypical girl $hit and $hove it where the $un don't $hine...seriously.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday was as gorgeous as days can get on a Minnesota October day. I was (forced) to spend the day with my family....midway through the morning my phone alerted me to an email.

Slap me backwards and call me sally, it was a three-sentence email from Alaska. My jaw dropped. When asked what was going on, all I stated was I received an email from a guy I used to know, and refused to elaborate further. The stereotypical girl wanted to IMMEDIATELY RESPOND with "YES! I WILL MARRY YOU!!...or...I mean...Ummmm...I'm fine, how are you?"....but I couldn't bring myself to say ANYTHING.

Peeps...I'm clueless. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not extremely happy with my physical appearance...I've had little to no success in the dating relm, and most days, I feel like I've forgotten how to socialize with adults, much less FLIRT (omg, I blush just thinking about it).

The night of my friend's wedding, I was confident. I was carefree. I wasn't a mom. I was me. Why in the HELL does this guy have to live in the US, albeit an effing country away?!

Nuckin Futs.

2010-10-04T09:10:00.002-05:00

For 18 years of my life, my family felt "normal" albeit EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I get that their divorce was virtually imminent. I get that their relationship was extremely unhealthy for all parties involved. But it was my family, and when the divorce became unavoidable ten years ago, my world fell apart.

My parents have been divorced for 10 years.

My mom had started a new relationship with a man she had worked with. A relationship while she was still married. A relationship that was uncovered by my then 15 year old brother, in our house, which included him walking in on the two of them making out (responsible and SUPER mature of them, right?! I digress).

Ten years ago, after the dysfunctional family I knew and loved fell apart, the relationship with my mom crumbled before my eyes.

She's been with Him the entire time. I've hated almost every minute of it...becoming less vocal about my dislike of him as time has passed....because, really, my dislike of him hasn't and won't change my mothers mind, or open her eyes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call from my mom. "What are you doing on 10/10....next Sunday?" she asked. I didn't have plans, so I told her I was free...

"We're getting married...and I want you to be my maid of honor."

"Okay" was all I could say. I said okay after she told me it was going to be a small ceremony. I said okay after she told me no dresses were allowed, only denim jeans. I said okay when she told me not to tell anyone else in the family...that she wanted this to be kept secret. I kept saying okay.

The moment I hung up the phone, I broke down into a serious ugly-cry. Baby boy asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him....he's too little to really truly understand how much this hurts. He's too little, nor would I ever want him to feel what I'm feeling. I asked for a hug, and dried my face.

In a nut shell....this sucks.

College Bound?

2010-09-22T16:44:00.001-05:00

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old single mother who has attempted college twice in her life (both times BEFORE becoming a parent). Both attempts left me with equal amounts of passing and failing grades....but neither left me with a bachelors degree in my pocket.

A bachelors degree...something I strongly feel will add to my future in more positive ways than not having one.

I've been wanting to return to school for roughly five years. Getting my degree has been a goal of mine, even in the midst of failing multiple classes. I thought the one looming issue preventing me from doing so was an unresolved college account to the tune of (what felt like) a million dollars that I couldn't afford to rectify.

Little did I know, my dad would help me out so I could have another shot at achieving a college degree. (note: I would be the first person in my immediate family to do so, I digress).

So, there I sat, with a (mostly) cleared up financial record (at least cleared up to the point of being financial aid eligible).

The next step was choosing my school....I'll spare you the details, but the school was chosen, and applied for.

Then, it was a matter of obtaining my previous college transcripts, and having them sent to my school of choice. I paid the necessary fees, and had the transcripts sent out (only to have one become mysteriously lost in the mail...where in the hell is Scooby Doo when I need him! I digress).

Eventually, I wound up taking a personal trip to one of my former college's to obtain the official transcript and hand delivered it to my new school of choice.

Jumping ahead of myself, I also made it a point to submit an official letter stating my past financial "issues" had been resolved, and I was actually financial aid eligible...blah blah blah.

Little did I know, the way my cumulative GPA was calculated made my application DENIED. EFF ME!#&$%#@!!!

In order for me to appeal my outright DENIAL, I have to take (and pass with immaculate effing flying colors) a reading, math and written exam.

Was returning to school a HUGE MISTAKE?! I feel like the biggest failing loser ever. I am getting burnt out with this jargon, and classes haven't officially even STARTED yet.

(Insert an extreme amount of expletives HERE).

Dear August of 2010,

2010-09-02T14:37:00.002-05:00

Thanks for trying to punch me in the gut ONE LAST TIME before leaving my life forever. I won't forget you, but I'll certainly try my best to wipe your existence from my memory if it's the last thing I do.

Sincerely,
SS+1

++++++++++++++++++

Dear SS+1,

Grow a pair and get over it.

XOXO,
August of 2010

++++++++++++++++++++

Dear August of 2010,

I'll grow a pair when you stop sucking....oh wait, you're over...Consider my pair grown (wait, that sounded a lot better in my head).

You're forgotten,
SS+1

Where to start...

2010-08-31T13:40:00.002-05:00

I'm a minute away from asking my mom to go to counseling with me... Doesn't that sound like a basket of vomit? Yeah, I agree.

It's so frustrating to feel so completely disconnected from your parents, especially when they live within 20minutes from you, and are alive, breathing, but mentally unhealthy.

I have little to no common ground with either of my parents, but my relationship with my mom is ugly.

Passive aggressive. (read: I get my sarcastic whit from my father)

Bottled feelings. (read: the woman drinks...a lot)

I refuse to bring my son to her house on a regular basis because they regularly smoke...inside....and I wish it were just cigarettes.

I have moments like these a few times a year...where I feel emotionally beaten to a frustrated lump of a person. Eeyore syndrome flows through my veins uncontrollably. All I want to do is punch a few pillows, scream, then sink into my bed pulling the covers over my head... wishing, hoping and praying for a change in my life long failed relationship with my mom.

I need help relating to her. I need her to choose to quit drinking. I need her to choose to be a responsible grandmother, just as I've chosen to be a responsible parent. I need my mom to be a mom, and not a selfish 50 year old woman. I need to stop feeling so much resentment towards her.

Co-counseling feels like the only option I have left.

I've tried sitting down at her house, telling her my feelings. Shit hits the fan and nothing is accomplished. = fail.

I've tried meeting with her, one on one, in a public place. I always feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel...but when we follow through and attempt to "hang out" post serious discussion, she (literally) reverted to texting and wondering off to smoke. = fail.

I've tried to have shouting matches with her. = fail.

I've tried to explain myself through ugly crying. = fail.

Dammit I am so sick of trying.

But I will continue to try....hence, counseling. (is it horrible of me to hope and pray that her insurance will cover this?!)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On a semi-unrelated note:

I am SOOOOOO ready for August to be OVER. It's been a great year, but good LORD August has kicked my rear upside down and backwards. So, here's to you, September, it took ya long enough to get here!!

My Idiosyncrasies

2010-08-24T08:27:00.003-05:00

I've moved on from him (Tall boy)...mostly.

I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.

Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.

If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.

Where am I going with this?

Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.

Awesome.

I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).

I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.

Seriously.

------------------------

And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).

Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.

*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)

Trying to Stay Positive

2010-08-20T09:16:00.004-05:00

In the past six+ months, I've been making phone calls, writing letters, setting meetings, and crying...all to rectify past mistakes so I could return to school and finish my bachelors degree.

It's been a tough ride...two steps forward, two steps back, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, I talked myself into attending this place. The program fit my schedule, and it seemed almost too good to be true....

My first red flag was the lack of response time from the college itself.
My second red flag was the "financial aid" package I was receiving.
My third red flag, a Nightline story on for-profit institutions.

As I sat on my couch soaking the story in, my brain was shouting "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I ALMOST WAS DUPED!!!!"

See, I don't think the university is a "bad" place, but my doubts have led me to the surmise that it isn't the right place for me or for my future. I want to look back and be proud of the hours I devoted to studying....I don't want to constantly justify my collegiate choice for the rest of my life. So...as of this point, I'm an email away from formally withdrawing myself from AU, and I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at a MNSCU school.

The new school will be a tougher road than the former...but I think a little hard work is exactly what I need.

Do you know anyone who has a bachelors degree from a for-profit school (eg, University of Phoenix, Argosy, etc.)? How is their degree received? Am I being ridiculous?

A Few Lists

2010-08-11T15:22:00.005-05:00

Feeling rejected can DEFINITELY put a damper on a person's psyche...and I am no exception to the rules.

I kept faking it to myself that I wasn't hurt by Tall Boy...but I was.

Sure, there are positives that have come out of the Tall Boy saga:

First hot make out session in a long time
Fun watching a movie laying in someone's arms
I felt mildly attractive for the first time in 2010
I put myself out there
I stayed true to my morals

But here are the haunting negatives (dammit why is there always a "but"?!):

The awkward goodbye made me feel cheap
I went out on a limb and sent him an email a week ago...he never responded.
What the hell do I have to do to get a man that I'm interested in RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS?!
I feel defeated in dating because I rarely get opportunities to meet men

So, since list making mode is my forte today, here's how I'm going to turn the negatives around (I know y'all are DYING TO KNOW as you secretly roll your eyes)

Awkward goodbye or not, I made out with a hottie and I loved it.
It's his loss if he doesn't respond to my email. I rock. Period, the end.
The right man will be the man who reciprocates feelings.
I will make opportunities and soak up life to the best of my ability.

In a nutshell, no more eeyore attitude for this chick. Life is too damn short to spend it sulking.

My God.

2010-08-06T08:35:00.002-05:00

I was born and raised catholic. Religion was force-fed down my throat from the time I was a baby.

"DO NOT SIN OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"READ THE BIBLE OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"PRAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"

Ok, not every sentence or spiritual directive said to me ended in go to hell, but that's the funny thing about Catholics...they have this uncanny way of ALWAYS making you feel like you will actually go to hell if you don't do this or don't believe that.

Enter my senior year of high school. I (OF COURSE) was confirmed. It was something I was more or less forced to do. The classes were fine, but my favorite part was having heated spiritual discussions so I guess I have my confirmation leader to thank for that.

Enter my early twenties. I rarely ever went to church. Then BOOM, I found myself 23 years old, pregnant and unmarried (GASP I AM GOING TO HELL). Of course my guilt lead me to tears many days, and when baby boy was four months old I attempted to go to church with my mother.

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Not only did I feel as if I didn't belong, I ugly cried the moment I got to the car after church was over. To me, being a spiritual person shouldn't have entailed making me feel that way. Ever.

Enter today. I have a new outlook on my life and the role religion (specifically spirituality) plays in it. I do not believe in the same ideas of Catholicism, or even Christianity (I can't wrap my head around how someone can worship a "so called man" who SUPPOSEDLY did all of these things. I can't wrap my head around a book that I whole heartily believe was made up hundreds of years ago to shut people up who were commoners and asking questions. I digress).

What do I believe?

I believe in Humanity. Show me a church or gathering that gets together to celebrate Humanity and I'm in.

People can do horrible things. I've witnessed many of these heinous acts firsthand...

People can also be absolutely amazing, unselfish, wonderful and uplifting. These amazing people are what I label as Humanity.

Humanity is my "God". Living by the Golden Rule* is my life (at least, living by the golden rule as best I can...).

*JUST in case you're unfamiliar, my Golden Rule is to treat others as if you would want to be treated. Period. The end.

Mini Whining Session

2010-08-05T13:50:00.001-05:00

There are millions upon millions of people in this world.

Resting on that fact...I know he's out there, somewhere. The perfect man to complete my heart and soul. I just know it.

**This message brought to you by the letter I, because I need assurance right now that everything really truly will be ok.**

hmph

2010-08-01T23:24:00.003-05:00

I stand naked in front of my bathroom mirror with a robe loosely draped over my shoulders. I keep having vivid flashbacks of the time we spent touching and holding each other. As I stare at my naked body I think, would he be settling with me? My back begins to itch...damn its tough being single when you need lotion slathered onto your back.

****************************

1:15pm. I sit holding my phone mentally debating if I should call him. I've had a sitter fall into my lap for tomorrow night and want to see him...but my inner self screams NO IT'S TOO SOON! LET HIM CALL YOU....but since when do I listen to myself?

I hit "send" and my heart immediately begins racing.

Ring, ring, ring, ring aaaaaaand to voicemail I went.

I was hoping he would answer but expecting his voicemail. Either way I had a plan for what I was going to say to prevent my normal brainfarts from overcoming me like they do far too often.

"Hi, I know this is slightly bold and brazin, but a friend of mine wanted to watch baby boy tomorrow night so I was thinking we could hang out. If we don't hang out I'll most likely wind up reading a book at a coffee shop, so if you could call me back to let me know that would be great. Hope you're having a good weekend"

Click.

I haven't heard back from him, and, again I'm hoping for the best but expecting absolutely nothing. The best gift I can offer him is a choice.

***************************

As I was laying in bed tonight, I heard a quote on the radio "the first time you are a victim and the second time you are a volunteer." So sue me. I AM a volunteer with him... but I refuse to be a fool, I deserve more than that.

Confuscious Says...?

2010-07-31T10:01:00.004-05:00

Everytime I forget about him, he pops back into my life (read: only a few times, no need to be SUPER melodramatic). Friday was no different. I was relaxed after spending a week up north with baby boy. My steps felt light, my breaths felt calm. Nothing was going to ruffle my feathers, not traffic, the fact that my vacation was soon to be ending, nothing.
(insert text message alert here)
"Sorry I just read your text message from Monday. Whatcha up to tonight?"
My jaw dropped, and butterflies started taking flight inside me. I had counted him out and boom, he messages.
My night was open, and plans were made.
He showed up wearing torn jeans and a rock shirt. The moment I saw him I wanted to jump him, but I held back. Back To The Future was put in the dvd player, and well before the movie ended, I was in his arms. Electricity was flying, and the chemistry between us was thick and steamy. I can't tell you the exact moment our lips first touched, but I can tell you I was floating (and simultaneously telling myself IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!). To spare feelings in lieu of him actually finding my little corner of the internet, I will tell you it got hot and heavy...and to feel even MORE juvenile I'll let it be noted that we safely made it to second base. (insert the but) As hot and heavy as we got, I held back.

I feel guarded with him. Let's review the history:

We date a couple of years ago only to have it end kissless with an instant message.
We reconnect five months ago only to see each other for the first time three weeks ago.

My head is damning me. How hilarious is it that things with this man went from "is he even into me" to "does he only want to have sex with me?"

Is he going to shoot me a message saying he doesn't want to date?
Am I setting myself up for failure
I can't get this man, his touch, his taste and his smells, out of my head.
What do I do?

Sure, the right answer (the seemingly easy answer) would be to let it play out...wait and see how this cookie crumbles.....but the easy answer seems to be my biggest challenge.

I guess I'll force myself to do what I think will be best for me...breath in, breath out, and repeat.

P.S. I haven't been kissed, touched or held like that....ever.

Reminding Myself

2010-07-23T08:25:00.004-05:00

He turns to me, his hands holding the back of my head. He loves me. I love him. Our toes buried in sand, the waves crashing in the background.

I dream this scenario on a regular basis.

I'm amazed at how powerful people can be. Sure, "you choose your own attitude"...I only agree with that about 50% of the time. People have the amazing ability to suede those around them. Both positive and negative attitudes are as contagious as strep throat.

Men have an amazingly strong effect on me. They have an uncanny ability to bring out the best and worst in me in one breath. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

Some might think (read: me) that I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket with TB. However, I'm not. I'm putting one egg in my basket at the time, and right now, that one egg just so happens to be him (ha, that sounds kind of dirty...go me).

There's still a communication discord. Yeah, I could just be acting paranoid...but my gut instinct is sharp, and it rarely lies. If only I weren't so "in-like" with this man. Christ, the "if only's" could go on for days if I let it....

I'm ready.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready to laugh.
I'm ready to be held.
I'm ready to share my soul.
I'm ready.

As with all things (shopping, particularly) whenever I'm ready for something it's never around. So, I'll stay ready, but I'm done allowing myself to care if and when I meet Mr. Right. I'm reminding myself to focus on how amazing my life actually is....the simple things can be grand (and I know my simple things are taken for granted more often than not).

I have a little boy in my life who constantly asks me if I want to play Hippo Hippo Hungry (the old school game hungry hungry hippos...I like his way of saying it though). He's healthy. He makes me laugh and tests my patience everyday... I'm lucky, and if I were a spiritual girl, I'd say I'm blessed to the heavens.

Introducing

2010-07-19T05:00:00.002-05:00

Batman

For close to a decade, I've been playing on a coed softball team. I've had a blast, really...but recently I've noticed that the team's identity (read:drink before, after and during the game) wasn't fitting into my life....after all, I'm raising a little boy...who doesn't need to be exposed to binge drinking on a weekly basis at the tender age of 4. I digress.

I sent out a message to about a dozen people saying I was looking for a new softball team to play on. A girl I've known for a while (but wasn't at the point of calling us friends) responded saying there was an opening on her work team.

Yahtzee!

I was (very) nervous the first night... Everyone was really nice, and one particular character caught my eye. Our team is super hero themed...each of us wear a different super hero costume as our jersey. I couldn't help but drool over Batman.

He was kind to me and to baby boy.
He was extremely attractive.
He made me laugh.
You get the point.

Here's the dilemma....

I feel like I'm stuck in a Jerry McGuire situation.

I feel like he likes my son MORE than he likes me. Thank God we aren't actually dating because HELLO AWKWARD if that were the case.

I've never encountered a man taking a stronger liking to my son than to me. I know I'm biased but I also know he's a great kid. Do you think it's possible for Batman's likes to shift towards me? If so, how in the world do I make that happen?! I feel like a complete rookie.

note: I totally need to get some man-action.

A Fresh Start of the Past

2010-07-15T11:59:00.004-05:00

Saturday night started out like most others...except this time, I was determined to make it different. Around 7pm, I shot him a text "Wanna come over and watch a movie later"?

He didn't respond.

I wasn't too upset, after all, I had intended on watching a movie be it solo or with company. In a way, I had guarded my emotions, reminding myself that I had laundry to do, and since He wasn't coming over I didn't have to do a mad dash scramble to clean.

There I was, 9pm, reasoning with baby boy to go to sleep, folding a load of whites (with two loads in the washing machine and one in the dryer), with my movie queued up....when my phone began to blink.

"sounds good, what would you like to watch"

I just about wet myself.

I didn't completely panic. I told him about the movie I rented from Redbox (Sherlock Holmes), and then invited him to come over in an hour and a half. He accepted the invite, and at that very moment my own personal Bridget Jones' Diary montage began (sans the music).

Bathroom - Cleaned from top to bottom
Living Room - Decluttered, toys picked up, laundry put in baskets and strategically hidden in my room
Kitchen - Dishes put away, dishwasher reloaded, counter top kitchen table and stove top wiped down
Me - Unshowered, sweaty mess from my mad dash to pick up my place....

I didn't look like a troll...completely. I had been wearing a cute tank dress because it was comfortable and a dress is always a good way to beat the heat.

BLINK BLINK...my phone was alerting me he had messaged, and he was at my door.

When I saw him butterflies began. It had been two years and countless recent messages since our last encounter. He looked great. He had the sexy man smell that my senses have missed out on.

We sat down to watch the movie and couldn't help but talk throughout the first half. It felt different than the last time we had seen each other. Comfortable. Right.

Half way through the movie, it happened. We slowly drifted towards one another, and before I knew it I was laying in his arms. His strong, sexy arms.... we were melting into each other...it was about damn time.

The movie ended, and after a brief walk outside we wound up playing mario on my wii for an hour and a half. It was fun...but inevitably the night had to end.

I'm so happy we saw each other...but I'm still waiting for that damn first kiss. I've waited two years..what's another (possible) couple of weeks? The past few days, I've reminded myself that what will be, will be.

I'm in like.

Him.

2010-07-13T12:49:00.002-05:00

His touch.
His words.
His presence.

Him.

When you go so long without the touch of the opposite sex...you forget how electric it can feel.

I recently shared an evening with someone...details to follow within the next day or so...

I know a girl.

2010-07-07T16:35:00.004-05:00

I know a girl whose mother left her when she was only three years old.
A girl whose father died when she was 15.
This girl had met a boy.
A boy who grew up in a fairly well rounded family.
A boy whose family had recently fallen apart.
A boy who was embarking in a world of drugs and chaos, but remained to shield his heart from the ugliness.
This boy and girl had a baby together, but were absolute poison for one another.
The girl played head games, using guilt as her sword.
The boy turned to his drugs to self sooth.
They parted ways.
The girl got a job, but never fully grew up.
The boy cleaned up, got a job, and still tries to grow up.
I know a girl who tries to make everyone believe she is a woman.
I know a girl who willingly sends her baby to sleep at someone else's house five nights a week and believes it's alright.
I know a boy who is proving he's a man.
A boy who loves his little girl so much it hurts, and would do anything to be home with her, but his job prevents him from doing so.
A boy who is stuck at war with himself, a girl, and the world.

...and in the midst of all of this chaos, a baby is trying to grow up.

God help this child.

note: this is not my story, but that of someone else. I wish I could help. I wish I could open this girls eyes to what being a parent is about. I'm far from the perfect parent, but one thing I know is my life is shared with baby boy. Sure, I have some time to "me"...but you surrender most of your personal time when you chose to become a parent...hence HELLO SINGLE LIFE FOR THIS CHICK. Most days I want to slap this girl upside the head.

Ok, I'll step off of my soap box now.

Growing up...in a nutshell

2010-06-28T10:26:00.002-05:00

In my lifetime, I’ve witnessed three close friendships fizzle before my eyes. The change had always been a tough pill for me to swallow, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve also grown wiser.

Recently, a close friendship fizzled into nothing, over virtually nothing. Hurtful things were thrown my way, followed up by childish immaturity's on behalf of the friend that no longer is. My feelings were hurt, and I maturely said everything I needed to say and then some. The difference between the three friendships I’d seen turn to dust was this…

Back in the day, it was a gradual process. For the most part, we stopped hanging out, and overtime grew apart. Bridges were never burned. We just so happened to grow in different directions.

The second friendship came to a crashing stop over a boy. Nasty letters were typed out and hand delivered. Extremely horrible phone calls were exchanged. I was just as guilty as the other. Many, many tears were shed (specifically on my behalf). Bridges were DEFINITELY burned.

Most recently, a friendship of mine dissolved over the internet. Everything felt disconnected and my jaw still drops when I think about it. A single IM her way resulted in (what I could only interpret as) a friendship-meltdown of epic proportions. I wrote a couple of email messages apologizing and attempting to explain the situation as I saw it. She responded with hurtful personal attacking comments that had absolutely nothing to do with what the original issue was about. And that was that. We are no longer speaking.

I’ve handled myself extremely well in the face of this friendship dissolving. I haven’t said or breathed an ill word about her, even in the face of dramatic comments I’ve heard from others (specifically about what she’s said to others about me and the rift our so called friendship was going through). I’ve taken the high road. I have nothing to regret. In fact, I feel extremely mature in my “old age.” I’ve looked at the friendship I’ve had with this person, and truly believe the friendship had and has run its course.

What will be, will be.

I’ll make new friends, dare I say, better friends. Better friends because I now know what to look for in people based on my past experiences. I’m sure she’ll do the same. I’m thankful I can sleep easy knowing I’ve treated those around me with respect and dignity, just as I had hoped others around me could do, although had failed with flying colors.

No, I don’t have a circle of 50 acquaintances. Sure, I only hold a few close friends….to me, life is about quality, and not quantity.

Me in a nutshell:

I’m single.
I have an amazing son.
I work for a great company and love going to my job every day.
I’m genuine.
I’m happy.

Life is good.

Nagging Thoughts

2010-06-21T10:19:00.003-05:00

Joran Van der Sloot should be publicly castrated and executed. As far as I'm concerned he's a waste of air.
Six months of seeing a "life coach" has been extremely helpful...I'm sad that my allotted time has expired, and am contemplating looking into a more permanent life coach situation. (honestly though, I feel like I opened pandora's box by starting to see a therapist in the first place...Que Serra Serra).
I've been alarmingly disturbed by a recently reported statistic that obese women only have a 30% chance at finding a romantic partner.
My disdain for the above statistic lead me to try out Healthe'Trim....I only lasted a week. I felt like I had altzheimers while taking it, and decided to stop. Since stopping I've had a KILLER headache. Coincidence? Probably not.
My new planted garden is doing great! I have green tomatoes, lettuce for salads, onions and rosemary currently at my disposal.
When the eff did I actually turn into an independent adult?! It seems like just yesterday I was just a child....damn, time sure flies when you're living.
Excedrin Migraine is my drug of choice. It hasn't let me down yet!
I am amazed at how well baby boy behaves....especially when "earning a star" is my leverage for him listening on the first try, helping mom, and making good choices.
Although baby boy is without a father in his life, he still has become a little man...as evidenced by a recent trip to a car show, where he approached the engines with his hands held behind his back, and knelt to the ground to check out the chassies...Yeah...Um....He's 4, and mom did NOT teach him these things...they must be genetic!
I'm contemplating an across-country move, but feel it would be more successful if I had my degree. Uggh.

...and on a final note:

I switched to a droid phone, and think I'm in LOVE. Who needs to date when you have an awesome phone?

Just Dinner?

2010-06-10T08:29:00.003-05:00

I feel guilty.
I feel happy.
I feel confused.

I met up with Crotchrocket last night. It was harmless, I promise. We each brought our children and met up for dinner at a local pizzeria (might I add, his daughter is ADORABLE). So there we were, the four of us.

He looked great. I felt fairly comfortable, and really want to get to know him more. (Enter the "but") BUT, I feel guilty. He has a girlfriend...ya know...the mother of his adorable child....the girlfriend that he bought a house with....Yeah. Am I going to hell for hanging out with him? Probably not (key word: probably).

Our time spent together is/was REALLY innocent. Laughing, enjoying life, smiling when the kids were cracking up, exchanging looks when the kids were naughty (read: me shooting him the "I give up" look when baby boy was being difficult. his little girl was darn near perfect).

I can't shake the feeling that hanging out with him is wrong (emotionally, not physically), because (at the risk of being cliche) it feels so right.

Fool Me Once

2010-05-26T14:37:00.004-05:00

Remember how I said Tall Boy was back in my life? Well, he is, was, er....crap. I just don't know. I KIND OF feel like I've been electronically emotionally duped.

See, we've been chatting online...a lot. Exchanged a few weekend texts. I've enjoyed our electronic dialogue...but SERIOUSLY, I can only handle so much "chatting" before I'm driven to insanity. So, I suggested we meet for lunch...he agreed, and the "lunch date" was set for Tuesday.

Tuesday at 10:15am, my phone alerts me to a new text message. Sure as dog poo, it was TB, texting to tell me he was "called into a last minute meeting, and wouldn't be able to do lunch, but wanted to reschedule for tomorrow." Fine. Whatever. I suppose I could make that work...so I rescheduled for Wednesday.

Wednesday at 10am, again, my phone has a new text from TB. "I stayed home from work today, so I guess we'll have to reschedule.. :-("

I was annoyed. Really annoyed.

Enter the part when I don't want to be Miss Nice Pants....All I wanted to do was tell him off. He had gone to the Twins game last night. Ya know, the game against the Yankees where it started torrentially down pouring...in the new OUTDOOR stadium. His tickets were in the third row behind the yankees dugout. I didn't feel bad for him that he was sick. Not an ounce of sympathy from this chick.

So, which text did I send?

"I suppose having good tix to the twins in the down pouring rain would leave me sick too. I'll reschedule if you're buying"

"feel better"

I'm a sucker. I sent #2.

I have the HARDEST time being rude....well...unless I'm dating you, then WHOA BOY I can be a snarky mcscnarkerson....And I wonder why I'm single! Srsly.

Shame on me for being fooled twice.

Flexibility

2010-05-25T12:44:00.002-05:00

I spend the majority of my days being flexible. Sure, I'll help with this or that around the office. Sure, I'll change my plans because baby boy is crabby, or was being well behaved, or needs to eat dinner. Sure I can wait for you because you're running thirty minutes behind schedule. Sure, I'll run out the door IMMEDIATELY because you're ahead of schedule.

People, I'm spent.

Treat people how you want to be treated...I get it. What I don't get is why people (baby boy excluded for obvious reasons) feel like it's alright to change things/plans/life ALL of the time when I'm involved. It's understandable if it happened once in a while...but, honestly, it happens when I'm involved ALL OF THE TIME. Today, last Sunday, last week.

I'm over it.

...and I need to get laid. (beacause you and I both know that will solve ALL OF THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!!!!! ...and by ALL OF THE WORLD, I just mean mine).

Introducing...

2010-05-19T08:27:00.007-05:00

Single Dad.

Well, people, Crotchrocket came through, and introduced me (via the internet) to his friend, Single Dad.

He's 32-ish (I think, only because der, we've only sent a handful of messages back and forth). He's been single for a year and a half. His son is 6. On paper he seems near perfect. His photo's are sexy. His mannerisms are pleasant, and even has the ability to make me laugh. I want to talk with him in person, face to face.

See, internet only relationships don't do it for me after a week or so. They lack personal, raw emotion. They feel empty. I'm a girl who wants more. I want to share giggles. I want to read his tone of voice, and win him over with my clever witty comebacks. I want to feel his touch. I want to smell him. Those really important sexy aspects are lost without hope when the friendship/relationship is purely internet/email/text driven. Call me old school, but I'm a girl who is ready for more than what her battery operated friend has to offer...

We'll see if anything develops with SD. I'm actually being patient for once in my life, because I haven't a thing to lose at this point. I've only invested a few moments to respond to a few messages. No date time...yet. (a girl can hope though, right?!)

Crotchrocket...Present Day

2010-05-05T05:15:00.001-05:00

It started back up with a friend request on Facebook.

Of course I accepted, and honestly, I was completely surprised and taken aback when I received the request. It had been (darn near) close to 10 years since I had heard from him...Ten crazy years, but ten years none the less.

Immediately I was overcome with a flood of emotions. I craved to find out what he had been up to. What’s his life like? What’s changed? What’s new? What’s different? I wanted to know it all.

(I laugh realizing that both times we’ve begun speaking have been via the internet, but I’m excited to be speaking with him again.)

He has a house now, a girlfriend with whom he purchased the house with, and a one year old girl.

I’m extremely happy for him, but completely torn with “what if’s.” I know, I know…I shouldn’t do this to myself…but my thoughts keep harassing me.

He makes me laugh.
He’s silly, and lives his life in a light hearted manner.
I make him laugh.
He has a job.
He's not crazy.
…and the history between the two of us is there, and the chemistry is unreal.

I feel guilty talking with him, which means I know in my gut that what I’m doing is wrong. Every time we talk, we flirt. It’s how it’s always been. I feel like no time has passed at all, and I feel extremely comfortable talking with him…but it’s unfair to him, unfair to his girlfriend, and certainly unfair to his little girl. I’m not trying to be the other woman, but did I mention the chemistry between us is electric, be it online or on the phone.

I told him to tell his girlfriend that we were talking, and he said she’s the jealous type. I refuse to allow myself to be his secret friend. I refuse to let myself be the other woman. I deserve more than that.

He’s told me he’ll introduce me to a single guy friend of his, but I don’t believe him. My instincts tell me he feels the same way about me as I do about him…While talking on the phone, I told him that I’ve really missed talking with him, then he agreed…and silence ensued. So today, I sit here confused. Being reminded of how much fun I used to have, and how I laugh until my belly aches when we talk has left me wanting more…has left me wanting him more.

My gut feels wrenched but the selfish being inside of me is soaking it all up. I feel like I’m destined for hell.

Introducing...

2010-05-04T07:57:00.002-05:00

Crotchrocket.

Our conversations began online, back in the day where AOL was the only internet a household had...where you had to wait for the dialing, buzzing, weird noise of the modem followed by a computerized "Welcome."

He was the cousin of my brother's friend (ha, that sounds kind of funny to me, I digress). He had graduated from high school, and I had just finished my Junior year. He had his own car. He drove a crotchrocket. He was nice, and we shared many laughs...but we were just friends.

No handholding.
No romantic stuff.
Just friends.

I had never dated a boy, let alone, a boy had never been "into me." The closest thing I had come to male contact was the horrible first kiss from two years before.

We would go out to eat at Perkins. Hang out at his house. Drive around.

One night, he asked me if I wanted to drink with him...I had never been drunk before, so I was apprehensive, but eventually said I'd go along with it. The night began with a bottle of bacardi limon. The night ended with SEVERE spins, and from what I can remember, we messed around. It was mutual. No lines were crossed that didn't want to be crossed. It was fun, but I was so shy and inexperienced that I felt completely awkward after it happened. If you ask me, that was the beginning of the end of us.

See, we were both inexperienced. He had this ere of sarcasm that I found intriguing, but I also found it extremely difficult to read. After a while, I interpreted his sarcasm as him being too good for me. Towards the end of our summer together, our family discovered my mother had been having an affair. Shortly after that, I met my first actual boyfriend....and Crotchrocket faded out of the picture. I didn't think much of it at the time..I moved on, and was consumed with the life of senior in high school while trying to digest my first boyfriend, and my failed family.

He's back...

2010-04-28T04:56:00.001-05:00

Tall Boy.

I had to look back in email and blog history to figure out exactly how long it had been...but one thing I hadn't forgotten about him was his liking for America's favorite past time, baseball.

See, looking back in my blog history, I realize I never fully explained what happened with him (and if I did explain, I can't remember). In a nutshell, we had been on about five dates...we never kissed. One time, asking him how things were going, I was met with a "I have fun hanging out with you" response...only to be followed up a couple of weeks later with an instant message on my computer that said he didn't want to date anymore...Yup, my internet version of the Sex in the City episode where Carrie is broken up on a post-it.

I was initially shocked, and very frustrated...I BELIEVE I responded with a courteous "alright"..but I can't be too sure.

Fast forward to earlier this year:

The first vacation I had been on since having baby boy was to Florida for spring training. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

The opening of a new MLB stadium in my city occurred in April. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

Fast forward to a week and a half ago:

I'm the first person to admit I'm NOT technologically savvy. I was putzing around on an old email address of mine and BOOM, I discovered they had added a chat feature, AND I figured out how to activate it...all.by.myself (insert high five to self here).

...and what do ya know, Tall Boy was online.

(disclaimer: at one point, we used to be friends on facebook...but when I feel like I no longer want or need a person to see my personal happenings of facebook, I'll be the first to unfriend them...oh snap).

It started with a friendly message from me, about baseball, of course. We went on to do the generic "catching up" and have shared a few friendly chats here and there since.

Yesterday, he sent me a message that had to do with a comment on a different blog I write. He wanted to explain his perspective on dating a single parent. I was flattered he still kept up on my blog, but between you and me, I was equally sad that we had stopped dating and/or talking for the last couple of years. Besides dating back when he was fresh out of a divorce, he was open in expressing that he didn't know what he wanted or if he even wanted to date....and my heart slightly sank when, last week, he told me he still didn't know if he wanted to date....

I am a firm believer in timing. Is he the one for me? I haven't a clue. What I know is I still don't feel the two of us were given a fair chance (specifically by him...I digress). I also know that I'm still an awesome person, he'd be darn lucky to date me, and I'm still interested in him (but too afraid to admit it).

(insert deep sigh here).

Secrets...

2010-04-27T06:44:00.000-05:00

...that aren't so secret anymore.

I will eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting.
I honestly do love baseball.
I rarely can speak on cue, but find it a LOT easier to express my thoughts in the written word.
I'm deathly afraid of failure..which a lot of the time prohibits me from trying in the first place.
I rarely go #2 if I'm not at home.
I'm very bummed out that everyone around me has a more successful dating life than me.
I know I'm awesome, but the majority of the time feel like I'm the only one that thinks so.
I have a love/hate relationship with money.
I only wear scented lotion when I have gas.
The only time my room has been clean in the past five years is when I've invited a man I'm interested in over to my house.
If I'm out of underware, I'll go commando before I'll do laundry...because I hate laundry THAT MUCH.
Because I'm horrible at eating leftovers, I'll usually eat what I've cooked (even if it means eating three servings worth) just so I don't have to deal with leftovers in my fridge.
Sometimes I'll drink a glass of water, then return the glass to my cupboard because I can't justify washing a glass that was only used for water.
I really do think I can carry a tune...but I know I'll wind up on the bloopers reel if I ever dare tryout for American Idol, because I can BARELY sing when I'm nervous.
As much as I know cell phones and driving don't mix, I LOVE talking on my phone whilst driving (specifically when I'm driving FROM work to pick up baby boy...it's the only time during my day where I can speak freely and openly without distractions from my lovely son).
There are currently only two foods I won't touch...black licorice and raisins.
This might come across as crazy, but I really do love being a mom...and most days I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Indulgent.

2010-04-26T08:01:00.003-05:00

I was indulgent this past weekend. Severely indulgent. At one point (or another), I consumed pizza, turkish food, homemade hollandaise (with hashbrowns, green peppers and onions), spicy alfredo (with rotini pasta, asparagus and butternut squash), and even managed to squeeze in a few fudge striped cookies.

As I sat on my couch last night, munching on said fudge striped cookies, I started asking myself "Why in the world are you treating your body like this?!". The only answer that I could feasibly come up with is: control.

I've been sitting on a rather large decision lately...that to return to school to finish earning my bachelors degree. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would be a horribly tough decision, because when can a bachelors degree be a bad thing? Well, I'm here to tell you, a bachelors degree can be a horrible thing if you're facing adding about 20k in debt to your already tarnished credit.

My questions have turned from "when am I going back to school" to "do I need to go to a noteworthy school to have this be worth my debt? or could I settle for a less expensive route that have the means to the same exact end?" The debate goes on.

I've asked my parents - they tell me to talk to someone else.
I've asked facebook - I've received a couple of great comments...but still can't make up my mind.
I've asked a really good childhood friend - She really didn't know what to tell me, and ended the conversation with a "Well, good luck!"

I've even gone so far as to REALLY think about my five year plan...where I want to be, or what I want to do. Here's the path's I've come up with:

Move abroad for a year post graduating, only if I could defer said student loans until I return AND figure out a way to move baby boy in a safe and healthy manner. The institution I earn my degree from wouldn't be AS imperative...
Post degree, apply for an upgraded position within the current company that I work...which would MOST LIKELY entail moving to a different state, as the current market I'm working in has little to no room for growth. Taking this route would mean that the institution I earn my degree from wouldn't matter as much...
Apply for better paying position in the current city I'm living in. This route would make the place I earn my degree from a little more important.

So I ate. And ate. And, yes, ate some more. I don't know which school is best for me, and I certainly can't pinpoint where my life will lead me in the next five years. My decision seems all the more challenging, because it's the life of my son AS WELL as my life that will inevitably be affected.

I'm still eating today...because maybe by the next bite or the next gulp of my indulgent mint coffee I'll attain some sliver of clarity.

Sure there are other problems in the world greater than mine...I get that. Currently, right now...this is all I can think about.

Are you gonna eat that, or can I have it? thanks.

Coffee, anyone?

2010-04-19T09:44:00.002-05:00

Insert jealous single girl HERE.

Well people, my close group of friends (read: two girls) have gone from single to in relationships....it happened (what feels like) overnight...in actuality, one started dating J in January, the other met and has become serious with a guy she met a week ago.

I'm happy for both of them but all I want to do is cry.

I have this huge issue where I feel like I NEED to be around people because I HATE feeling like I'm alone...and when you have single friends you find things to do together. However, when your single friends start dating #BOOM. You no longer have people to turn to for a spontaneous run to get coffee, or company whilst walking around a lake because said people are busy getting ready for dates, or entertaining their new men.

I guess you could say the next few weeks will be a time for me to readjust....but I'm fearful it will be an isolating time of readjustment...and I HATE isolation. The older I get, the more challenging it is to find people to hang out with...and the catch is, I don't want to find new people to hang out with...I am resistant to change. I want MY people back...but then again, that's a selfish and unfair expectation.

So, I'll go forward with my life. I'm happy for both of them...really, I am. I'll fake being happy for me and my situation until my adjustment period settles, and becomes my new normalcy.

Anyone want to meet me for coffee?

Dear B,

2010-04-16T13:12:00.004-05:00

As crazy as this might sound, I put a lot of thought into our little chat yesterday.

What I've concluded? What will be, will be.

I know I can come off as an extremely strong personality (which is immediately off-putting), but I know I'm a great person.
I know I'm completely harmless.
I know I have a heart of gold.
I know why I want to get to know you (which I'm not comfortable fully disclosing that to you yet)
and I know I want to find out more.

If you want to take a walk sometime, or feel the need to venture out to 394 and Highway 100 for lunch (which happens to be where I work), that would be awesome. If not, I'm alright with that.

I, like you, believe things in life and the people you meet, happen for a reason.

************************************

I met a boy.

He's artsy, sexy, and I am intrigued by him. We crossed path's at a party last weekend. We talked a bit...and ironically enough after he left, a person asked me if we were together. I knew I was interested in him, but it wasn't until I was asked if we were together that I really gave him some thought.

We spoke online yesterday. I tried my hardest to not come off as crazy (key word: tried). See, I have zero patience to let things roll when I'm intrigued. Call it a flaw. Call it the reason why I'm single. Call it what you want.

My gut is telling me he's trouble, but I feel like that's one of a few reasons why I am so intrigued by him. Possibly my feelings are stemming from horrible old habits yearning for something even though I know it's bad for me....it's just....he's just...ugh, bad, hot, mysterious, rugged...seriously.

During our conversation, I asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch sometime. He responded by telling me he doesn't hang out with girls one on one. My heart skipped because I knew he was saying he "just wasn't into me"....but maybe I'm reading into it too much? Good lord, who knows.

...for now, patience and pushing him out of my head seems to be the only way I can internally resolve my intriguing feelings for him. (insert deep sigh here)

Me.

2010-04-15T15:43:00.003-05:00

I want it all.
I want it now.
I want wanting it all and wanting it now to be ok.

I think it is. (the key word being THINK..which is mighty dangerous, especially if I'm involved).

I'm effed.

2010-04-13T08:41:00.004-05:00

Today marks the start of a wellness challenge in my company. It's pretty cool knowing that your company is willing to fork out money for a program to help their employees get fit (even though they're only doing so to renegotiate lower insurance policies, I digress).

Our program started with a company coming to our office to take initial measurements of height and weight to calculate our BMI. Those participating were then placed on a team and are competing with other office teams to lose weight for cash incentives.

Today, I discovered I would need to lose (brace yourselves..) 70 lbs in order to reach a healthy weight (insert panicky tears here).

How ironic is it that on the first day of this activity, all I want to do is devour a gallon of ice cream?

I'm trying to make healthy choices...really, I am. I've been on a healthier diet kick since March 12th, where I've cut down my dairy consumption significantly, incorporated whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies almost daily, AND haven't eaten red meat, chicken or pork.

Exercise is my arsenic.

I can't find an ounce of motivation to bring me past the point of already feeling to defeated to exercise. OH MAH GAH it is so frustrating.

I know the simple steps to losing weight, but I've never been able to follow through with them.

diet
exercise
diet (meaning, make healthy choices that don't include candy and crap food)

blah blah blah.

My optimism for pulling this off is next to nothing. Granted, I'm not even expecting myself to lose 45 lbs....but for the love of god can something just start clicking for me in terms of weight loss? I'm an expert at packing it on, but have NEVER cut weight.

A little (lot) of help please?

p.s. this post brought to you by the Poor Me Foundation.

A Different Perspective

2010-04-08T08:23:00.003-05:00

He said "maybe I just need a steady girlfriend."* My jaw dropped. It was the first time (I can remember) actually hearing a guy say he "needed a girlfriend."

I don't know if it's me, the people I hang out with, or the area I live...but I rarely (if ever) hear men saying they need a woman in their life. Sure, guys want sex...but a wanting a relationship, never.

Most of this kind of talk is done between girls (totally stereotypical, I know). I guess it was comforting to hear, firsthand, that wanting a relationship can (and does) go both ways.

*note: The He I'm referring to is a friend from high school...who also happened to date a good friend of mine a year ago. This did NOT bode well between the two of them...for that and a couple other reasons, I see the two of us only being friends.

p.s. can I use enough of these ( ) in my post today (insert rolling eyes at myself here).

This is Me.

2010-04-06T09:39:00.004-05:00

I like to wear high heels, and I'm 5'9.
I would choose a dress or a skirt over shorts or capris ANY day of the week.
I typically take a half hour to get ready...MAYBE 45 minutes if a shower is involved.
I don't mind getting dirty.
I love camping even though I haven't been hard core camping in years.
I crave bonfire's in the summer.
I enjoy cooking.
I hate cleaning up by myself.
Laundry is a thorn in my side.
I love bird watching.
I love science in general.
I could lay in a park and stare at the clouds for hours.
I talk quite a bit, but look forward to moments of silence.
I could use to lose 50 lbs.
I have never succesfully lost weight.
I'm addicted to regular coca-cola.
I love listening to popular music...be it country or bubble-gum dance beats.
I love listening to the songs from the musical Rent.
I will never be a hipster when it comes to music.
I don't really understand how people enjoy going to watch local bands.
I am fairly certain that I'm aetheist....and was raised a catholic.
I don't attend church services, and the thought of doing so gives me a knot in my stomach.
I love my life most of the time.
I am happy that I'm a mom most of the time.
I'm returning to school and equally excited and nervous.
I want to date for the sole purpose of feeling wanted and attractive.
I try to hide my jealousy when a friend of mine starts dating someone new.

Dear Dad,

2010-03-29T15:57:00.002-05:00

What I want to say to him:

When we have discussions like yesterday morning, I feel like I will never be good enough for you. I was extremely afraid of telling you about Ala-Non because I was afraid my words and feelings would be twisted around...which is EXACTLY what was done. I am so hurt by the way I was treated yesterday words cannot even begin to describe.

As I sit here trying to formulate my thoughts (so I can be as simple and clear and possible), I am clouded by fear that you will also turn this email around on me in some way, shape or form...and if that fear of speaking the truth to you isn't mental abuse, I don't know what is.

I've been clear and honest with you...yesterday's conversation and the handful of conversations we've had that have ended the exact same way have played an enormous toll on my spirit. My heart tells me you care, but your words and actions are very contradictory and (for the sake of repeating myself) very hurtful.

Honestly, Dad, I just don't feel like there's anything I can do or say to make you proud of me. I wish I could apologize but I am not sorry. I'm a great person. I have a great little boy. Any person would be lucky to know me, or to spend time with me. I cannot control if you choose to see, or acknowledge those truths.

What I've said to him since yesterday:

Nothing.

Fearful.

2010-03-25T08:49:00.003-05:00

I can count on my hands the number of times I've been afraid to tell my parents something. It has always been something that I've done, or has been done to me...and it's always been something pretty serious. Most of the time once I finally spilled the beans they were supportive, and if it was something bad they were there once their initial anger left them.

Today, I have something new I'm afraid to tell them, and it's eating me up inside. This thing is different because it also involves both of them. The ironic aspect to my issue, is this thing is really good for me, so I shouldn't be afraid to tell them..but I am.

Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting. My first Al-Anon meeting*. At this meeting, I verbally said my name, then stated I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The words felt really good to finally say out loud. In a way, they felt liberating. I spent my morning listening to others, and the clouds cleared from my head; I am WAY more effected by alcohol and drugs than I had originally believed. I guess you could say I had been living in denial.

The day of the meeting, ironically enough, my mom offered to watch baby boy. It would be the first time she's spent time with him in 2010. Some of you might think "well, it's only March...my parents rarely see my kids". People, my parents live about 15 minutes from me...the only reason my mom hasn't seen my child is because she has chosen to live a selfish life that involves alcohol, work, and more alcohol.

I've tried speaking with her about her drinking habits, and SURPRISE, she gets very defensive. I've tried reasoning with her. I've tried begging her to be a more active role in my son's life. All I hear are excuses masked by what she thinks is reason.

The day after my meeting I stopped by my fathers house. I had every intention of telling him what I had started doing...but I couldn't. Fear of his reactions and judgement paralyzed me. See, a loooong time ago (read: when I was in middle school) I accused HIM of being an alcoholic, and to this day he still reminds me. I don't take back my feelings from back then. I witnessed him putting tonic and scotch into a HUGE enclosed mug. I'm not crazy, I swear. Also, there's that one Christmas, two years ago, where him and my brother both got so pissy drunk that they started verbally attacking me, calling me horrible names...eventually leading to me leaving my dad's house in hysterical tears, I digress (p.s. Thanks Johnny Walker..you Rock).

I think I'm so fearful of telling them because it will stir up emotions, and when people get defensive and feel like they're being judged, they throw judgement right back. I'm hoping that after a couple more meetings I'll have the strength to confront them. I'm hoping.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*Funny story:

Since this was my very first meeting, I was absolutely clueless. I wasn't even sure how to walk into this place (note: it was a HUGE house on a historic street in the city). I was aware that they provided child care during the meetings, so baby boy was with me.

We walked into this house, and I must have had an enormous look of confusion on my face. A man told me to talk with so and so upstairs for childcare...so upstairs we went. I got baby boy settled, told him I would be just outside, and then went to find a seat.

The room was empty aside from a HOT guy..go figure. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I'm sure I looked extremely uncomfortable.

It wasn't until I heard multiple people talking about how long they'd been sober, and that they were drunks that I realized I might be in the wrong place. The room was quickly filling up, but I leaned to the lady next to me, and asked her what meeting I was in. "AA...this is an AA meeting." Son of a drunk, I was in the wrong meeting. I asked her where Ala-non was, politely stood up, and walked DOWNSTAIRS to where my meeting had already started.

It was actually a pretty funny moment.

Staples

2010-03-19T12:58:00.004-05:00

I was FLOATING in our office supply room as I tallied up what I'd be ordering. Generally we place our orders on Wednesdays...but since I couldn't wait to see him, I was putting the order in a day early. Let me tell you, the supply list was LONG.

The next day came, and I may or may not have spent an extra five minutes at the mirror. I played out a tentative plan about what I was going to say to him when he arrived. Seriously people, my crush had transformed me into a giddy school girl.

Around 11am I saw the red shirt out of the corner of my eye. The red shirt that screamed STAPLES...the red shirt that was him! Only, it wasn't him. It was someone else. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. My boss laughed at me because I sounded like Eeyore when I was talking with the other delivery guy.

I had one saving grace....a supply I had ordered was on BACK ORDER! YAHOO! I was going to have another chance to see him...and since Wednesday was St. Patty's day of COURSE he wouldn't be working!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I had a gut feeling I'd be seeing him....and my gut rarely lies to me. Around 10:30, the door opened and there he was.

Staples "blah blah blah"
Me "Hey, I just realized...I don't know your name. It's not like you have a name plate or wear a name tag....so yeah" (<-- I'm so not smooth..srsly).
Staples "Do other guys wear them?" (looking slightly confused)
Me "You mean staples guys? No...but still"
Staples "My name is N"
Me "Nice to meet you"
N "blah blah blah blah WIFEY" (referring to his wife...)

So yeah. N is married, hence crushing my future dreams with him...come to think of it, I never had a chance to scope out his ring finger because he always wore gloves. I still think he's a really good guy....Now I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to try to become friends with him. He could have nice, single friends. He could have a single cousin for all I know! What do you think?

Hello Euphoria.

2010-03-16T08:35:00.004-05:00

Once a month a sense of euphoria overtakes me. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything. My confidence level is high, and my attitude is nauseatingly optimistic. This euphoria comes the week AFTER my period, and lasts for about a week, until the PMS monster creeps into my soul....and I realize my euphoria was a facade.

Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.

Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.

For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.

I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.

Period. The end.

...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.

Introducing...

2010-03-15T15:05:00.004-05:00

Staples.

Let me first start out by saying that I am completely in lust. I feel like I am playing out a scene from a movie...where instead of working in a beauty salon, I work in an office...and instead of being smitten over the UPS guy, I'm smitten over the Staples guy. Seriously people, I feel the urge to do the Bend and Snap every time he walks through the door.

Then, I remember I am not a petite blonde little thing (read: Reese Witherspoon), so the caution reenters my sails. Also, I'm quite positive my bend and snap would go awry (read: part in the movie where she breaks his nose with her snap).

I don't know what it is about him. Well...I do know what it is about him...

He's gorgeous. He's slightly taller than me, and has a rugged chiseled jaw accompanied by a deep voice. Honestly people, when he walks into our office I lose myself...I can hardly talk, my throat kind of swells up, and I'm sure my face is a million different shades of red (hot, right?).
He's a hard worker. He works full time plus is going to class on the side. I think that is absolutely sexy.
He loves baseball.
He plays summer softball (as do I).

See? Isn't this a PERFECT MATCH?

Wanna hear something funny? I don't even know his name. I've looked for a name tag and to no avail, no name. My mission for this week? Ask him his name the next time he's in the office. Knowing me, I'm sure I'll do or say something redonkulous!!!

Introducing...

2010-02-23T15:27:00.003-06:00

Creeper.

I don't think I've shared this story yet...I suppose it seems like more of a doozie in my head than in actual real life.

I wanted to date. Like, really really wanted to date....so I resorted in online dating since my networking pool was slim (read:everyone I knew I couldn't see myself dating, or were in a monogamous relationship).

So, I broke down and joined an online dating website. It wasn't the first time I'd tried online dating..but my perspective felt fresh, and vibrant. I was jumping in feet first.

I don't remember how contact with Creeper began...I THINK I had a super open mind, and decided to accept his request to talk.

The moment I realized he was creepy, I politely and respectfully told him I wasn't interested. He laughed at me via messenger, and then proceeded to ask me how things were at my SPECIFIC APARTMENT BUILDING.

CREEPY!

The dude had googled me, and found out exactly where I lived. Honestly, I went to bed with one eye open that night. The moment after I realized what he had done I googled myself, and removed myself from any and all white pages type sites I could find.

It's people like Creeper that give internet dating, and the internet in general a bad name. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around...I don't even want to imagine what Creeper has coming his way...

Parental Support.

2010-02-22T10:42:00.003-06:00

Who would have thought that throwing a kid's birthday party entailed SO. MUCH. WORK.

The cleaning.
The food.
The entertainment.
The decorations.
The timing.

It was worth every sweaty second.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I rarely associate with the parents of baby boys daycare friends. Since our kids are in daycare together, rest assured the parents work mostly full time, and use the weekends for themselves (as do I...so no biggie, really).

Have I mentioned that none of my close friends are parents...let alone single parents...let alone even remotely CLOSE to having children of their own? It's been a big struggle for me. A struggle to find common ground with people who I used to spend countless hours doing random things or drinking our night away at the bars.

Since baby boy has come into my life, I've selfishly wished that I could find parents that I could relate with, hang out with, and confide in. It seems like a simple task....wrong. Let's put it this way (and I know this is going to sound off) but I think it would be easier to raise ten boys at the same time, than to find a group of supportive parents to hang out with. Srsly.

I've looked for parenting groups, and haven't found a single one that I:

Feel comfortable attending
Fits into my schedule

When it came time for baby boy's birthday party, I invited my niece, our neighbor, and three boys from daycare.

Worrying about finding common ground with the daycare mom's, I sat and wondered, "What could I possibly have in common with two women who are married, and are most definitely more financially stable than I am?!" ...And then our boys walked into the room together.

The light bulb illuminated.

The end of the night.

2010-02-19T08:05:00.004-06:00

My stomach ached from long, deep belly laughs. The kind that cleanses your soul. We had walked across the street to partake in a delicious treat of cheese curds (also the kind that warm your soul). Myself, B, and my guy friend E were the three sole survivors of the birthday evening.

A little background...
B has a boyfriend. They are happy, and I am happy for them. B was the sober cab for the night, although she had a couple drinks herself.

E is single, and has been for a while.

At the last bar sitting in a booth I was on one side, B and E were on the other....then it happened. E was sticking his hand on B's leg. B had a look on her face that read "ummmm....seriously?!" My inebriated state called him out immediately.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU KNOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!" The alcohol wouldn't allow me to bottle my frustration.

"Yes, I am well aware" was his immediate response.

My blood boiled.

Now, I know nobody is perfect...however, his response struck a deep nerve with me. A very deep nerve.

See, they're both my friends, just not yet friends with each other. I'm sorry...call me conservative...but if you KNOW someone is in a relationship, you DON'T TRY AND HOOK UP WITH THEM.

Like I said...my birthday, all in all, was a huge success...this was the only blip of the night, and a small blip at that.

I haven't quite decided if I should say anything to E...in fact, I really don't think I'll speak with him for a while, because I follow my mom's golden rule (especially when I'm sober):

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

The Big Night.

2010-02-18T13:45:00.003-06:00

As Friday evening grew near, my excitement began to bubble. Unfortunately, I had come down with a silly nagging cold the previous night...thankfully my adrenaline allowed me to enjoy myself.

The first time I had officially been out on the town in 2010 was NOT going to be hindered by a stuffy nose!

We arrived at a packed bar. The birthday gods that be landed the group a prime spot at the end corner...and the fun ensued. The bar was known for their color themed drinks: Greenies, pupleies, blueies and pinkies. For the most part, they were vodka sours with colored sugar added at the end to make them taste kind of like a sweet tart....did I mention they were DELICIOUS!

Most of the people who showed up were not interested in wearing white t-shirts and partaking in the fun. I (surprisingly enough) didn't let that bother me, and instead found strangers in the bar who WOULD partake.

I happened across a family from the sticks who were out celebrating their 24 year old son's birthday...of course I gave the birthday boy a shirt and OF COURSE he put it on with a smile. My drunken logic asked him if his parents wanted a shirt too...he replied there was NO WAY his dad would wear a shirt. I pranced over to his Pops, fluttered my eyelashes and within 1 second Pops had the shirt on. His son was completely stunned...but loved every second of it.

A lot of inappropriate writing ensued. Many deep, long belly laughs were had. Countless drinks slowly disappeared.

There was one situation that happened at the end of the night that left me extremely irritated...but since the night was mostly a success I'll touch on "that" another post.

A phrase I wasn't familiar with until yesterday.....The people who should've been there showed up.

My Battle.

2010-02-17T08:23:00.002-06:00

Daycare was closed today.

I proactively arranged for baby boy to spend the night at grandma's house.....before you get all "aww, that's sweet of grandma", grandma isn't hanging out with him today. A month ago, grandma's bf (aka, my pseudo step-father) had to have a pacemaker installed, and is forced to sit home for a total of eight weeks while his leeds heal in his heart...it sounds serious, which it kind of is.....but he's completely fine now, with only lifting restrictions....I digress.

When I got home from dropping baby boy off, I had the best intentions of being productive..I swear. Enter the couch, the Olympics and a box of lindor truffles.

I don't know why I started devouring them...but I did. I could literally hear them going straight to the spare tire that seems to have formed around my stomach region... I couldn't stop eating them. One by one. The silky smooth chocolate wanted me, and I wanted it.

And then, I felt sick.

Why did I just eat 12 servings worth of chocolate in one sitting? WHO DOES THIS?! (cough::this chick).

I'm not a little girl in the least, and never have been...but the sulking about being alone and single has got to stop. The emotional unconscious stuffing of my face HAS. TO. STOP.

Anyone have any ideas on how I should turn over a healthier leaf? I've got the tools...but the motivation to work out seems to be non existent. Weight loss is something I've NEVER been successful at (mostly because I was so athletic growing up that I never had to worry about my weight...and after I had baby boy the life of my waistline was never the same).

Thoughts from an anal, single 27 year old.

2010-02-12T08:31:00.003-06:00

I lay alone, naked, except for my blanket, pillow, small radio and battery operated friend who keep me company. I lay there thinking, yearning really, for a man to be next to me...and then for a brief moment selfishness sweeps over my body.

Do I really want a man to hog the covers?
Do I really want someone to complain about my snoring?
Do I really want to have to tiptoe in the morning because he doesn't have to wake up until 8 or vice versa?

Truth: Yes and No.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life has been really decent lately. I'm still dedicating 2010 to me, and finding myself having small extra peps in my step. Don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect. I am sick of being alone....and the truth at how alone I am is apparent when there are people whom I would call friends who pretty much refuse to make an effort to spend a night on the town with me because they're dating a new guy.

Can I blame them? Not really.

Tonight I'm planning on going out on the town. The night has two great potentials:

Trouble.
A major disappointment.

Trouble, because I know I'm going to be drinking. A. Lot. I haven't been out drinking since the night before Thanksgiving. My tolerance isn't what it used to be (read:21st birthday including 17 shots in a five hour time period). I've been eager to go out on the town for a while, and have a feeling I might just do or say something that I'll regret.

A major disappointment because I'm worried the mood/atmosphere will be lame. Although, a good friend of mine reminded me that you can't control if other people have fun, you can only control yourself...and while this is true, I always seem to stress if I feel that others aren't having a good time. Certain people aren't coming out which also bums me out (and if they do happen to show up I'm afraid I might be rude to them for being snarky in the first place). Certain people have early morning plans tomorrow, so I'm worried they won't let loose like they would've on another occasion. Certain people don't know each other because I'm friends with different groups of people. This creates a bit of awkward tension because I know everyone is nice...they just don't open up and it kind of sucks.

I know what you're thinking. I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, right? Well...woe is me. I'm a bit of a control freak I suppose. Maybe it's high time I just let go and let the night happen. Maybe.

Jealousy much?

2010-02-05T12:21:00.003-06:00

Whenever my single friends start dating someone, I'm swept with a wave of jealousy. Sure, I'm happy for them, but the jealous feeling creeps into my gut and I KNOW it spews out through my tone.

What's my deal? Yes, I want it to be MY turn..but I think it goes a little deeper than that.

When my single friends start dating one (read: all) of the following runs through my head:

Great, that's one less person for me to hang out with.
I wonder if their new guy is going to dislike me...?
I really want it to be my turn.
I'm so happy you FOUND A GOOD PERSON!! (I wanna find a good guy..)
Why are you with this person, they sound like a tool!

I try to be completely honest with my friends, and have come to the point where I actually immediately apologize when they tell me how great their current guy is...because I know I don't sound happy (even though, happiness is one of the five things I'm probably feeling).

Recently, I had a discussion with a good friend of mine. Basically, she tried telling me the classic "You meet someone when you stop looking" line of bs. I initially bit my tongue because she never stopped looking or wanting to find a good guy herself.....and then I opened my mouth and told her to "stop trying to down talk her new relationship, I know you didn't stop looking or wanting, and that's how you found him...so be happy, alright?"

ANYWAYS...the point of my rant is this:

I want it to be my turn, but I'm not losing sleep over it. I really AM excited for when I find a guy who will laugh with me, and also let me lean on him when I need a bit of support.

Day 2

2010-02-03T15:57:00.002-06:00

In actuality, it was session-2...Whatever.

I think I really like talking with someone..but I'm still embarrassed that in order for me to survive single, I've gotta see a therapist to do so (sidebar: whenever I see or hear the word "therapist", I IMMEDIATELY think of the SNL Jeopardy skit with Sean Connery "I'll take the rapist for 500"....good times).

She is really very helpful. I can speak my mind without offending anyone. Freely. Openly. Without judgement. Heck, the woman even praised me today! It was a really ~~good~~ GREAT feeling.

I never would have imagined me seeing a therapist..in fact, I've scoffed at others in secret, probably mostly because I KNEW I should be talking to some sort of professional for a long time, but was too embarrassed to admit it.

And really, it feels a bit empowering to know and feel like I'm making active steps towards becoming a better me.

I'm not saying it's what EVERYONE SHOULD DO RIGHT NOW...What I'm saying is if you have the resources to see a therapist, I'd suggest you check it out. Even if you feel mentally sound, it's amazing how much better you feel when you let EVERYTHING off of your chest.

A New Beginning?

2010-01-29T04:14:00.000-06:00

When people switch on survival mode, they do desperate things. Born the phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures".

I have done something desperate. In an effort to rectify my financial stress from being the "sole provider" for myself and my son, I applied for a different job.

I'm so afraid I've done the wrong thing...but at the same time I'm excited I've done the right thing.

See, I love love love love love the current company I work with. (Enter the but) But....I feel like I could do more, and when it comes down to it, I feel like I should be making more money. Each biweekly pay period I dwindle my checking account down to mere cents. It's stressful. It sucks. I need it to change for the sake of my sanity.

During my first session, I was asked if I could wish for one thing, what would it be? I smirked because the answer that IMMEDIATELY popped into my head felt selfish, although it's mostly selfless.

I wished for a winning lottery ticket.

I went onto explain how a winning lottery ticket would positively affect myself and my son. I would not have to worry (as much) about my checking account balance. I could afford a house with a fenced in yard for myself and baby boy. I would be able to entertain friends on a more frequent basis. I'd be able to meet friends out for dinner more often. These things would make me elated...and a happy mom translates to a happy baby boy.

When my friend forwarded me an open position that entailed a position with a (rather large) pay increase, I was EXTREMELY intrigued. (Re-Enter the But) But...the position was at a company where I knew someone. This someone was a person who had been laid off from my current company. This someone was very close with many people in my office. This someone would most likely find out that I applied for this position, and I could also see this someone telling my current company about my application.

What to do?!

After mulling over my options (literally) all day...I did it. To ease my doubts about my application, I added a clause to my cover letter that acknowledged the ties between my new employer and my current employer, appreciating their confidentiality.

Honestly, I doubt I'll get the position (which was another huge reason why I was apprehensive about risking my current employer finding out...I mean, why risk it when it's not a sure thing??). The new position requires an associates degree plus five years managerial experience (which I don't have either...boo me)...but again...I felt like I HAD to try.

Here's to hoping my new venture stays confidential.... And if it doesn't, here's to hoping I have the strength to cope with the consequences!

A Start.

2010-01-28T09:51:00.002-06:00

I was almost late to my first appointment... I'm convinced my subconscious did this on purpose because I was afraid. Afraid of what I'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of what she'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of the unknown.

When I found her office, I almost started laughing. There was a very small waiting room with a coffee table FULL of magazines. My immediate thought was "I wonder if I'm going to be analyzed based on the magazine I choose to read while I'm waiting." I chose Parenthood JUST IN CASE. (read: paranoid)

Ten minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, I was called into her office. The strong scent of a pine candle was burning on her desk. I sat down, and started explaining why I felt the urge to seek someone out....detailing how alone I've felt, and giving her my family background as thoroughly and concise as I could seeing as we ONLY had about 40 minutes until I had to return to my office.

Her listening style was different...but listen she did. She was proactive, and paraphrased my thoughts back so I was clear if we were on the same page. I fought back tears most of the session....and although it felt like we talked for a LONG time, the time flew by amazingly fast. When it was time for me to leave, I was disappointed because we didn't discuss what I should do to make my feelings that have been suffocating me dissipate. However, she noted that she wanted me to take something away from our session, and this is what she told me:

"In the middle of the dessert, things still find a way to grow."

I left her office with a smile on my face, and an appointment to return again next week.

Shrinkin.

2010-01-27T08:00:00.003-06:00

With the doom and gloom that seems to have been haunting me the past few weeks, I decided to utilize the Employee Assistance Program at my work. I've done this once before at the last place I worked at (about 3.5 years ago), and WHOA BOY..there's a reason why I haven't been back in over three years.

Rewind to 3.5 years ago.

I was a new mom.
I was a new SINGLE mom.
I worked in a HORRIBLE environment full of caddy, snide, evil SOB's.
I cried. all. the. time. (hello a smidgen of post-pardom...don't judge)

The appointment was close to my house. I found someone to watch baby boy, and walked in not knowing what to expect, but doing my darnedest to keep an open mind because I felt like I was sinking in a pit of quicksand.

The lady I poured my heart out to was absolutely no help. She told me my "issues" most likely stemmed from not eating cottage cheese and triscuits in the morning. While I have absolutely NOTHING against cottage cheese and triscuits, they were NOT the resolution to my family and money situation. Needless to say, I walked out feeling even more lost, and cried until I was sick of crying.

Fast forward to today.

I'm really not sure what to expect, although, I feel like I'm at a point that I need to speak with SOMEONE because:

My coworkers DON'T need to hear my personal gripes.
I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings to my parents without the conversation getting twisted into a dramatic fight.
I don't feel like my friends have the time for me to vent, especially because the issues I have to vent about are pretty heavy.
I want to be able to speak to someone and get good, sound feedback, as well as direction about what I should do to resolve the demons that seem to haunt me.

So peeps... Wish me luck. What's the worst that could happen? She'll tell me to eat raisins and black licorice daily (GASP!).

Once a Month

2010-01-25T13:17:00.003-06:00

On any given Sunday, I'm usually happy and content with my life. It seems that my hormones love to get the best of me once a month.

I feel anxiety weigh me down.
I am snappy without realizing it.
I say things that I mean, but in a way that is totally out of line.
I feel extremely alone.

I haven't had much to update the world with lately...I'm still single. I'm still surviving (some days feel like more of a struggle to survive than others, I digress). I still (thankfully) have a job. I'm still relatively healthy.

However, once a month, I seem to have a "lack-of-support breakdown". I ugly cry. I think "why me?" I crave extra support from my parents, and always seem to be left disappointed. I forget the things my parents do for me, instead focusing on the things they don't do for me...and I feel JUSTIFIED in doing so....for no reason.

Once a month, I feel like I shouldn't be a mom. Once a month, I feel like I'm suffocating. Once a month, I cry because I want to be held, and told it's going to be okay.

Once a fricken' month.

This past weekend was my "once a month".

Christmas Bells Are Ringing.

2009-12-29T10:27:00.002-06:00

I was spoiled at Christmas this year.. Truly and utterly spoiled.

My parent splurged on a Wii, a Wii Fit Plus, and the Wii Play (that came with an extra controller)....It is something I have wanted for a couple of years.

Every year my mom asks for a Christmas Wish List. I comply, and the first four things on my list are always as follows:

A husband
A house
A winning lottery ticket
A personal trainer

I suppose I can check personal trainer off of my list now...YIPPEE!!

I also received a digital coffee maker...which was definitely an upgrade from my 25 year old Mr. Coffemate maker...I am almost certain I would collect thousands of dollars if I had the old coffee maker appraised at the Antiques Road Show. Seriously.

So, yes. Santa was wonderful to me. Baby boy was also spoiled (as he should be), and aside with witnessing my family consume far too much alcohol, Christmas was darn-near perfect.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmahaunikwanzika. Do you have any fun plans to ring in the new year?

Missing him.

2009-12-18T09:04:00.004-06:00

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.

We would be civil with each other.
We would spend a lot of time with one another.
He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
We wouldn't talk for a while.
Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

Part 2 of 2

2009-12-16T06:00:00.002-06:00

"Your brother is going to be sent to Afghanistan in April instead of September. We aren't going to act all goofy about it. It is what it is."

Her words sounded confident.

I hadn't really opened up with her about my feelings towards my brother. I felt like this was my opportunity to let my mom know how I was feeling.

"Mom, to be quite honest, I don't know how to react to that kind of news. I've made myself extremely clear since the moment he enlisted that I was not happy about it. It was always a strong possibility he'd be sent to a war zone, and was even more apparent after Obama's speech the other week. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I already feel like my brother is dead to me, so how do you expect me to act when you tell me something like that."

I wish I could swallow those words back up because what happened next completely broke my heart.

She lost it.

I asked her if I had to bring her down to the psych ward, because before I chose to blurt out those awful words she was fine.

Where did those words and thoughts come from? Months of pent up anger, resentment, and disgust towards myself and my brother for our non-existent relationship. Months of having to bottle those feelings up when I spoke with my mom because she REFUSED to allow me to talk with her about my dissolving relationship with her son.

The tears I have cried because of that boy could fill the Mississippi.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME!!!"

"Mom, I'm not saying I want him dead...I'm saying that my relationship with him is gone. Over. Done with. He's non-existent to me, and I'm non-existent to him. It's not like this happened yesterday, mom. This has been going on for a long time, and you've refused to talk with me about it."

"I TRIED TO FIX THINGS BUT YOU REFUSED" she sobbed. (she demanded I attend a "mandatory family meeting" at her place, and I declined because I felt like it was going to be too hostile, unproductive, and awful...I refused to subject myself to walking in on a firing squad).

I explained myself and my feelings again..but at that point, the word of death was the only thing running through her head. She was mentally checked out of any conversation thereafter.

I feel so guilty that those words flowed out of me so easily...but I can't change my feelings about him. He's no different to me than a stranger on the streets. How am I affected if his life is over? I'm not. My son is short a father, and has been short an uncle since before he was born.

+++++++++++++++++++

Side note: I am not a soldier hater. I am not anti-military. I am, however, against my brother deciding the military was his only option at succeeding in life. I think it was a cop out. I think my brother could change the world if he really set his mind to it, and I felt like cornering himself into the military was an easy way out....and it annoyed me. I also don't understand why a person who has a child in this world would enlist, when the possibility of death is so great.

I love my brother...and maybe my love for him hurts too much because of all of the animosity between the two of us. We don't talk. We don't know each other....and that sucks.

I'm sure conservatives will have a hay-day with my thoughts and feelings on my brother. I'm not saying they're right, and I'm not saying they're wrong...but my feelings are my feelings...you can disagree with my feelings, but they won't change (at least not today).

Part one of Two

2009-12-15T10:45:00.003-06:00

Embarrassed.
Sad.
Angry.
Annoyed.
Scared.

My brother and I haven't had much of a relationship for a long time now. We're different. We don't get along well, and never have. About four years ago he enlisted in the Navy.

I was livid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...he was choosing to be "responsible" for ONCE in his life. However, I am still upset with him that signing up for the military was the only option he foresaw that would force him to clean up his life for the sake of his small daughter (who was just a baby at the time he enlisted). In my eyes, having a child should have been reason enough for him to stop using drugs. Having a child should have been reason enough to stay home at night instead of running around town at night. Having a child should have been enough motivation to keep a full-time job so he could provide and watch his daughter grow up....But those weren't strong enough motivating factors in his life to stay sober...All the boy could breath was the military.

I was proud to hear he was on the straight and narrow.....but if you ask me, I think his straight and narrow is a facade because when he comes home on leave, he's a wreck loose.

When he's home, all the kid wants to do is run with his crew. Drink. Be "social." Run around town all night. Sleep all day.

I get it..he's on "vacation". Whatever. He's irresponsible, and his actions make me think that he's still the same manipulative druggie he was six years ago. I'm through buying his "good guy" act.

So...where is all of this back story going?

Last night, I called my mom to tell her I scheduled a massage for myself on Thursday night. A second into the telephone conversation she told me my brother was going to Afghanistan in April. Her exact words were "We aren't going to get all goofy about this. He's going. It is what it is."

She sounded strong. I felt like I could talk with her, and be honest.

I was wrong.

Me.

2009-12-14T13:15:00.003-06:00

Does one really survive single? Meh. Who knows anymore.

This chick, right here, needs the touch of a man. An endearing, electric, sensual, committed, healthy, stable touch of a man. Since the combination of the previous does not exist in one man, maybe I need the touch of men (?).....hahahaha...no, one man will do.

I still don't know who He will be.
I still don't know if I'll ever find Him.
Only time will tell.

With the dawn of the grey, cold and dull season (otherwise known as winter), I've found myself slightly more rejuvenated than I have been in years past.

I don't have a man to thank for this...I have myself, and my will to live each day as if it were my last.

I'm beginning to think that my life will be spent alone +1. I'm beginning to make peace with that. I don't even know if I'll have time for Him if He were to walk into my life at this moment. I spend Monday through Thursday working, and taking care of baby boy. Friday I spend at the office, but my Friday evening through Sunday evening are busy almost every weekend. There is always laundry to do, my baby boy to play with, an errand to run here and a tank of gas to fill up there.

Is this me giving up on men? Not at all. I still yearn for the touch and smell of Him. This is me deciding life is too short to spend time constantly looking around and wondering when we'll meet each other.

WARNING! VERY SCATTERBRAINED POST AHEAD!

2009-11-17T13:59:00.003-06:00

Chemistry = Passion (C=P).

I've recently met someone new, but I have a problem...I don't feel like I have a lot of chemistry with him. Sure, he's good looking. Sure, I think he's attractive. But there's something missing. A certain spark, if you will. I'm bothered because I'm having such a difficult time pinpointing the issue.

I can't decided if the chemistry is lacking because he's such a nice guy. Most of the men I've attempted to date in the past I've had a spark with. However, all of those sparks happened BEFORE I had a child. This is the first really nice guy I've met since having a child. Am I holding myself back?

Another catch? We've known each other since we were in diapers....but hadn't seen each other in over ten years. I'll be honest when I tell you how nervous I am to put this information out on the internet...I would never, in a million years, want to hurt his feelings.

A third catch? I'm not quite sure what the point of us hanging out is. Are we hanging out as JUST friends? Does he want to actually date? Does he feel the same way I do? Do I bring it up to him?

We've only hung out twice (once at night*, which started and ended with a hug), and once in the afternoon** (where baby boy was present....I allowed the exception since he's known me for such a long time, otherwise, I refuse to introduce baby boy to a man I'm dating...at least until I'm certain he'll be sticking around) (which ended with TWO goodbye hugs....kind of odd if you ask me).

Am I over analyzing this? YES! I can't help it. Seriously.

Now, this next bit of info makes me uneasy to admit....BUT, is settling the right thing to do if the relationship (dating or otherwise) lacks passion? I feel like I want and need more. I know none of my past relationships have worked, and that the start of this relationship feels SO MUCH DIFFERENT than my past failed attempts...and different isn't bad...but in this instance I don't feel like lack of passion is something I'm willing to compromise.

What to do...what to do! (hmph).

*we split all tabs...went to three different bars...played nintendo, laughed a bit, caught up....but again, I didn't feel any sparks.

**he came over to watch a football game.

2009-09-14T08:52:00.003-05:00

Jealous. Resentful. Sexually frustrated.

Those are three not-so-positive things that seem to be encompassing my mood lately.

B$, a longtime friend of mine, has met the man of her dreams. They met three weeks ago, and in that time they've become a dreaded "we."

In case you're unfamiliar, a "we" person is one whose identity shifts from being independent, to being completely dependent. Instead of making independent decisions, a "we" person replaces the word "I" with "we." Friends ignore phone calls because they're spending time talking (non-stop) with their new beau. Plans are left up in the air because they aren't quite sure if the "we" has made a prior commitment...you get my drift? Yeah, it's not so much fun for those of us (read:ME) who aren't included in the "we."

Prior to meeting Mr. Right, B$ had been single all of nine months. In that time, the two of us related the way only single girls know how....we went out to group happy hours together, chatted, and would spontaneously hang out because everyone around us were in a relationships....

Now-a-days, I feel like I've lost a friend to the world of the "relationship"..and it's totally bumming me out.

Granted, this has nothing to do with my sexual frustration which is inevitable because woe is me.

I'm jealous that she became a "we", abandoning one of her long-time single friends*. I'm resentful that my life choices have lead me to becoming a single mother sans Mr. Right.

I've always been a hopeless romantic..but these days I'm beginning to become more and more hopeless...sans the romance. There's still a light inside of me that knows it'll be my turn, soon enough. I can't help but witness the light fade, ever so slightly, with each day that passes.

*something that torments me is I'm actually VERY happy for her...I'm just disgruntled at the time being because adjusting to a change like this is tough for me to digest.

Random Blabberings...

2009-09-08T09:16:00.004-05:00

Allergies are really cramping my style (not really, but mostly). The weekend was marvelously beautiful...and what did this chick do about it? Nothing. She did laundry, watched a few movies from the redbox, and sat idly alone (and by alone I mean just myself and baby boy). It was a (much needed) quiet weekend. I attempted to make plans with people last Thursday, but was met with resistance. So, in lieu of ~~harassing~~ calling people continuously, I just did my thang (e.g. laundry, cooking, KIND OF cleaning, watching movies after baby boy was in bed).

Now, I'm not complaining in the least (well, that's a bit of a lie, because I AM), but I don't like not having things to do, or people to hang out with. I'm fairly certain the highlight of my weekend was a spontaneous call from B$ around 9:15 on Sunday night asking if she could swing by. My place was a mess, but I welcomed the company.

I get slightly bummed when I find out via ~~shut-your-~~facebook that those I asked to hang out prior to the weekend had made plans with one another and excluded me. (read: smallest violin player playing the saddest song just.for.me).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I'm over it.

Guess this girl is gonna keep fakin it until I make it (or at least until I find a group of people who like me, just as I am....).

p.s. Kind of still wish I could hear from Alaska...hmph.

Daddy.

2009-09-04T12:46:00.002-05:00

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
He's a twin (paternal)
I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

Wow.

2009-09-03T10:13:00.003-05:00

Yesterday HAD to be a full moon. My mood was up, then down, then kinda up, then REALLY down. I couldn't blame my mood swings on pms, but more or less bottling up my feelings of dating frustration...and having the bottle explode in my face.

I'm alone, and I've been telling myself that it's alright to be alone (which it is...) but in reality, I'm SICK of being alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to share life's moments with.

I'm frustrated that I let men into my life and that they only seem to stick around for one night.

I'm jealous that everyone around me is finding their "one."

I want to wake up next to a sleeping, gentle soul...who is just as much into me as I am into him.

After a few conversations with some great friends, I began snapping out of my mood-roller coaster. Laying in bed, I realized how many people I've actually attempted to date, or made-out with in the past few years....and to be honest...it's kind of a lot!

Alaska, California, Chi-Town, Country Boy, Tall Boy, Penny....and the list goes on!

I still stand by my opinion that I'm a pretty awesome chick. I still believe (in my heart of hearts) that I'm worth the trouble to some man out there. I mean, I love beer, football (most professional sports, for that matter...), cooking and laughing...really? What more is there to want?!

I think I am the epitome of a broken road....I know it will lead me to him eventually, so I should quit my bitchin' already and learn from the potholes.

Life is too short to spend it crying.

Some details.

2009-09-02T08:22:00.002-05:00

On the wedding night the alcohol was freely flowing. The mood was overcome with happiness and joy, it was ALMOST surreal. A few shots here, a few more shots there, mixed with some vodka tonics and I was feeling really good.

After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!

As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.

The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.

The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).

I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).

At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.

Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.

Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.

As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.

We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.

I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:

lives in the US, but is literally a COUNTRY away from me
is basically a drunk hook-up

...Your guess is as good as mine.

All I can tell you for certain is I haven't stopped brainstorming for a way to see or talk with him again.

p.s. whilst laying in the king sized bed together, his former hockey teammate waltzed in, stripped to his boxers, and hopped into bed next to us...UNDER THE COVERS. Yeah...I guess that's how Hockey boys roll...and that's also the main reason why I was unable to exchange numbers with him. Hmph.

p.p.s. is Unbenounced even a word?!

Introducing...

2009-08-31T08:45:00.003-05:00

Alaska.

A friend that I've known for fifteen years was set to get married this past weekend, and I was honored to be a part of her bridal party.

This was the first wedding I've ever participated in....I kept referring to it as my "First Rodeo."

There's something magical about weddings, especially (as I've come to know) when the person/people getting married are amazing friends, and are exploding with happiness.

By no means was the bride a "bridezilla." She did everything in her powers to make the day simple for her bridal party, and even had two professional hair and makeup artists come to her house to help beautify us.

The wedding party was a biggie. Six bridesmaids, six groomsmen, a junior bridesmaid, and two ushers.

I was the only "single" bridesmaid.

I had zero intentions on scoping out for a guy the night of her wedding. I pretty much knew everyone in attendance (or so I thought)...I mean, I've known the bride since I was in fifth grade, and the couple have been dating for almost eight years. I had EVERY intention on tearing up the dance floor, laughing, and having a great time. Immediately following the 25 minute ceremony, the girls and I headed to a hotel room to partake in a few shots while the the bride and groom were in the receiving line.

The drinks were flowing. Laughs were being had...exactly like I had planned.

I was mostly familiar with the groomsmen. Three of the guys went to college with the groom (two of which flew in from out of town), and played hockey together while in school. Two of the guys were brothers of the groom, and the last guy was a high school friend (who was dating someone I know).

Our table was a large oval, which was pretty cool because that allowed us to talk with one another, instead of having a super long table. Alaska was two seats away. He was tall, quiet, and had amazing blue eyes. (I was smitten from the moment I had re-introduced myself the night before at the rehearsal dinner, I digress). Someone in the bridal party asked Alaska if he was single....and to my surprise he was. At that moment I'm pretty sure I did one of two things:

dropped my jaw due to my complete surprise
was overcome with a nervous smile because my internal dialogue shouted out "YESSSSSSSSS!" quite similarly to Napoleon Dynamite
also couldn't stop internally repeating "oooh! You can see Russia from your front porch dontchya know?!"...Thanks Palin.

Once the music started blasting I took the dance floor with the bride. As time passed, more of us collected on the dance floor, being silly and having an all-out good time. Alaska and the hockey boys lingered on the side, sipping drinks and observing...

I couldn't let those boys stand around..so I coerced them onto the floor. Before I knew it, Alaska and I were dancing. Shortly after that, we were up in his hotel room. I know that sounds horrible...but I just couldn't help myself. He was hot. He was single. He was (mostly likely) wasted (as was I). BUT STILL!

More details to come....

Introducing...

2009-08-17T11:22:00.003-05:00

Penny.

In the beginning of the summer I decided to play hostess, and invite people over for a BBQ. I was feeling frustrated and left out of adult activities since finding and arranging for a sitter was such a challenge. My thoughts of inviting people over were simple: No sitter needed, and everyone would know that baby boy would be involved because DUH!

The evening of the BBQ arrived and OF COURSE it rained (note: Minnesota is currently in a pretty severe drought...thanks Mother Nature for peeing on my party, I digress). The crowd was decent...about eight to ten of us...all standing outside by a small charcoal grill, gathered under five umbrellas. B$ brought two guy friends with her, which was welcomed and encouraged.

He had a quiet complexity about him. It's tough to put my finger on what exactly drew me to Penny, but consider me drawn.

We tried meeting up for coffee, but the universe was completely against us. Either he came down with bronchitis or I couldn't line up a sitter.

Penny was in a band, and was the reason I met Chi-Town (as we were out seeing his band play at the time...). The night of Penny's show, I saw a side of him that I knew wouldn't fit with me. He loves the wacky tobackie...and I'm just not that into a lifestyle that entails that. Not that it's wrong, but it's slightly inappropriate when raising children is involved (that's just my prudish two cents though).

I saw Penny over the weekend and a couple of my friends pulled me aside and said "wow...he is REALLY into you." I was a bit shocked, and didn't fully believe them. I guess he was staring at me for long periods of time...and that was enough for them to think he was into me. I thought "huh" and went along with having fun the rest of the night.

Come 1am the party made its way into the damp backyard (of course it had monsoon-ed earlier that night...and we're still in a drought...go figure) to B$'s trampoline. It was wet, and it was awesome....and I may or may not have been jumping in a dress (I was slightly intoxicated, plus the only light to expose me was that of the moon...and what better light, right?).

I hopped off of the tramp, and stood next to Penny. We brushed up next to each other a few times. Internally I was giggling.

The next thing I knew, Penny said "We're gonna take off" and with that, he was gone. If that's not a clear cut message saying "I'm just not that into you" I don't know what is.

All in all, Penny's a nice guy. No hard feelings (hahaha, no pun intended).

Introducing...

2009-08-14T13:29:00.003-05:00

Chi-Town.

It was my second free Friday of wedding season. I had dropped baby boy off with my mother, and was faced with endless possibilities of what I could do with my free Friday night. Earlier in the day I had been overcome with a horrible migraine. The only way for me to get rid of migraines is to sleep...so sleep was option number 1.

Option 2 came in the form of seeing live music. A friend of a friend had a band that was playing at a local dive bar. I don't get a chance to hit up the local dive bar scenes, especially to see live music, very often.

I chose option 2.

The weather was eerily stormy. Minnesota is in the midst of a pretty intense drought, hence any form of precipitation completely caught me off guard.

When we walked through the doors, a man in a yellow-gold shirt caught my eye.

Tall -> Check.
Proper Hygene -> Check.
Lack of wedding ring -> Check.

Enter: his guy friend....Not gonna lie, the second I saw He was with another guy (without any girls in the picture) I jumped to the conclusion that he was Gay. Yeah, I'm going to hell and that was extremely closed minded of me...but hey, I was just doing my best to keep it real and not waste my time.

The girl I was out with, B$, immediately had her eyes on his friend (it's amazing how some things work out!).

Before long, B$, myself, and the two boys were talking. Yellow shirt was from Chicago (Chi-Town), and was a HUGE White Sox fan (I told him I was sorry to hear that..hehe). The only awkward thing about our first conversation was he immediately said "Well..I kind of have an ex, kind of not...I don't know, it's really confusing."

The boys hung out with me and B$ the rest of the night, engaging us in a couple of games of Foosball, and even helping me win a silly stuffed animal in a claw machine. They came with us to a different bar where talking was a lot easier to do. We invited them to B$'s house (which is quite out of character for us to do), and told them they could come over only if they picked up White Castle.

An hour later, they arrived at the house with White Castle in tote (it was awesome and adorable).

Soon after we were done mowing down, B$ and her beau found themselves engaged in a kiss/mini make out session (which was cool...but left me and Chi-Town in a bit of an awkward position).

I could sense the awkwardness so I did what I do best, and had us go to a different area of the house where we wouldn't have to worry about interrupting anyone. We drank, we sat, we talked.

He had been in a 5 1/2 year relationship. He had moved to Minnesota for her. She moved out on him about five months ago. He really didn't divulge too many details..and I wasn't looking for them. All I knew was it was wonderful to hang out with a guy one on one, no pressure, just good and light hearted conversation.

I hadn't mentioned my single-mom status, but referenced how I know what it's like to feel like you have baggage (referring to his mental baggage, and my "with child" baggage). He asked me to elaborate, and I'm not one to lie so I told him an abridged version of my current life situation. He sat. He listened.

I found out his age, which threw me by surprise because he was nine years older than me, but didn't look it in the least.

As the hours passed we ended up in B$'s spare bedroom (no worries, we didn't sleep together, remove any clothing...we literally were wiped out looking for a place to crash). We laid on her small twin bed, him on his back, myself on my stomach looking up at him. He was adorable. He was comfortable.

We couldn't decide if we should try to sleep in the twin bed, or try to sleep on the floor. By this time, the sun had been up for a couple of hours, and sleep was desperately needed. After moving to the floor the bed was definitely the best option. As we were about to get back onto the small bed, it happened. He went in for a kiss, and I happily obliged.

It felt amazing to feel a man's lips on mine. My head fit right into the nape of his neck. I'm not sure where his motives came from, and believe you me I've been analyzing every second of it!

Did he kiss me out of convenience?
Did he kiss me because he was actually interested in me?
Did he kiss me to prove to himself that he still had it?

...I can't be too sure.

Me, being the most un-suave person I know, never managed to get his phone number. Thank god for B$, as she got his friend's name and number.

I don't know if anything will come of Chi-Town. I haven't even been pining over him like I typically do over most men that cross my path. I think I'm being realistic with him. The cards don't seem to be playing out in my favor, but I'd be darn tootin happy if he proved me wrong and made another move. A girl can only dream.

I continue...

2009-08-11T10:48:00.003-05:00

...to survive.

I haven't been around much lately because there hasn't been much to share.

I'm still single. I'm still surviving. Sounds kind of boring, eh?

I guess a bit of new news is I've actually had a few Fridays to myself the past three weekends. See, it's wedding season in my world. In six weeks time I had/have to attend two bachelorette parties, two weddings and one bridal shower.

In the beginning of wedding season, I told my mother about the dates I would need help with baby boy. She responded by stating she would take baby boy every weekend I had a wedding event from Friday to Sunday (knowing full well that all of my wedding events aside from the wedding I'm actually in took place on a Saturday...sounds too good to be true...and it was...but I'm not here to chat about the struggles with my mom. I digress.)

In lieu of staying home on my free Friday's off, I spent time hanging out with some good friends. I crossed paths with different people, and even kissed a boy. Even with all of the freedom I was gifted I ran into the same road blocks. I haven't met a guy willing to date me.

Wah, wah..poor me!

Does anyone have any pointers for me? I need to learn how to full hearted attract the opposite sex. How can this mama bring sexy back? Is there a manual available that can guide me in the right direction?

The return of...

2009-05-19T00:25:00.001-05:00

California.

Friday night had come, and I had plans to be responsible. I was running my very first 5k in the morning, and knew I needed a good night's sleep. I got baby boy to sleep around 8, and settled in on the couch to watch some television. It was my way of winding down so I could turn in early. Around ten, baby boy had a bad dream as I could hear him whining. I turned the television off, and comforted baby boy back to a peaceful sleep. I decided this was a sign I should go to sleep myself. I crawled into bed, and tried to stop my head from obsessing about the day to come.

Forty five minutes later, baby boy was standing next to my bed asking for water. I sent him back to bed, but not before making him use the potty and filling his cup up for him. And back to bed I went, this time muttering to myself that I NEED TO GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY!

It didn't take long before I was out like a light. While dreaming, I heard my phone ring. Honestly, at first I thought it was part of my dream, but then I realized my phone was actually ringing. I looked at the caller, and it read "Restricted." Being in the groggy state I was in, I answered.

Me: "hello"
Him: "uh....hi. Is this Stacy?"
Me: "Yes, who is this?"
Him: "uh...I might have the wrong number. Did you used to live in ____(he named my apartment complex)?"
Me: (thinking CREEPY...WHO IS THIS GUY?!) "Yes, who IS this?" By this time I was wide awake, my mind racing as I was trying to figure out who I was talking with.
Him: "Maybe I have the wrong number. My name is California"
Me: "California? California who?"
Him: "California Smith"
Me: (thinking...Smith? That sounds like a bogus name....who IS THIS GUY?!) "I'm sorry...how do I know you?"
Him: "Well...we met two years ago....you came over when I was outside partying with my brother"

And then it hit me. I was talking to California.

I can't believe he still had my number. I had long erased his because I had long ago lost hope that I would ever speak with him again. I mean, the guy lives in California, a state I have never been to, nor do I see myself traveling there anytime soon.

He went onto tell me some very nice lines. He is coming back to visit in June. "I never forget a beautiful Irish girl" were phrases he kept repeating. He spoke as if he was in love with a figment of me....\I do not view myself as gorgeous, pretty or anything closely related. I was flattered by his words, but am still having a difficult time fathoming how he could have such "intense feelings" for me when we haven't seen or spoken to each other in two years. CA also said he had a lot of people to visit while he was back here, and he'd love it if I came out with him...perhaps being his date.

I don't know. As nice as he sounds, I am COMPLETELY skeptical. If he calls again will I oblige and agree to go out with him? Sure. Do I think anything will come of this? Probably not. The most I feel I will get out of this is a good story...so I guess that's something for y'all to look forward to!

ps. in case y'all were interested...I managed to sleep the rest of the night...AND run/walk (or as I like to say ralk) the 5k the next day! I finished twenty seconds over my goal of 45 minutes...not too shabby for a girl who didn't train a minute, if I might say so myself!!

Introducing...

2009-05-18T00:06:00.002-05:00

California (CA)

I had been drinking heavily at a friend's house. She had been hosting a White Trash party, so OF COURSE I showed up looking the part, with 40's in tote. Before I knew it, I was being driven home. I knew I didn't want the night to end. Having a sleeping sixteen month old waiting for me at home, I rarely had the opportunity to go out and let loose. As the car door shut in front of my building, I heard voices. There were people having a party...about fifty feet from my front door (SCORE).

I tip toed over and casually introduced my drunk self. See, back in the day, I used to do this kind of thing all of the time. I thrived on being random. However, since becoming a single mom, I was forced to live a responsible life of schedule. The opportunity to be spontaneous this particular night was not evaded in the least. After establishing myself with the small gathering of people, I returned to my house to relieve the babysitter (not mentioning the people I had waiting for me to come back...). The moment the babysitter vacated, I tip toed back across my front yard to my new friends. I didn't feel TOO guilty because:

I was intoxicated.
I was at MOST 100 feet away from my apartment, and baby boy had been sleeping through the night regularly.
I was intoxicated.
I didn't plan on staying out long..just long enough to have fun, random interactions with complete strangers.

There, I met CA. He was a couple of inches taller than me. He had a six o'clock shadow. He was a year or two older. He had "bad boy" written all over his face. I was engaged at hello.

We had fairly good chemistry between the two of us. I don't think we ever ran out of things to talk about. Sure, there were moments of silence...but it was a good silence. A comforting silence. I informed him I had a sleeping child inside, and that it wasn't right for me to be so far away from him..he obliged, and we made our way to a swing that sits next to my building, ten feet from baby boy's window (which was wide open since it was the middle of summer).

The two of us sat swinging, side by side, looking up at the dark starry sky. Eventually, we made our way inside of my place. The night ended with a fun, dirty romp session as the sun was about to rise. He took my number, but I knew I wouldn't hear from him again. He was only here visiting family, and was returning to California.

For a few months, there were butterflies in my stomach every time I stepped foot outside my building. I could see the steps of where the party was hosted. It never failed to bring back the memories of the fun drunk and random night that I met him. The butterflies eventually faded. I would go onto remember the night, but as time passed I began to view that night as just a mark in my past, shaking my head and thinking to myself how "young and silly I was back then..."

Dear Dad,

2009-05-15T12:53:00.003-05:00

Sorry I forgot to call you back. There are only two times during my day where I feel competent enough to talk on the phone (after I drop baby boy off in the morning, and on my drive to pick him up in the evening). Last night, we spoke when I was on my way to pick him up. Once I had him, since we weren't able to line anything up during our conversation, all of my attention was devoted to him hence I forgot to call you. As for having plans last night.

Yes, originally when we spoke on Sunday I had tentative plans to meet a few girls for dinner. However, I cannot financially afford to do so, so I cancelled.

I apologize if I have seemed short lately. I rarely get a break from my life. Many times I have so many things going on that I can hardly think straight. Between your son who never fails to irritate me, your ex-wife who has good intentions but at times is very hurtful and me being the only consistent adult family member in baby boy's life, my plate is overflowing with frustration.

I would invite you over, but I don't like socializing in my house when it's a mess because I feel it's distracting. Besides, everytime I've had you over, you literally fall asleep in front of my face, and I take it personally and become offended.

I can't read your mind. Most times I feel like I'm a giant failure in your eyes especially because I never receive invites to do ANYTHING with you. I try and communicate what I'm thinking as best I can and when I'm met with sarcasm such as "Is EVERYONE supposed to know where Central Park is?" my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to go out of my way to celebrate the fact that you and your twin brother turned 60 (because frankly, it's a really big deal if not to you, to me). Is it adding to my stress when I'm met with sarcasm from you? Of course. Does it make me feel like my efforts are unappreciated? Yes. Your party is tomorrow, at the location we discussed last night. I will be running the Armed Forces 5k in the morning, and taking baby boy to a 4th birthday party after. I should be to your party (you know, the one that I organized for you) by 2.

Well...I think this has been enough of an eyefull. Hope you're having a good friday. I plan on seeing you tomorrow, please let me know if something changes.

I feel defeated.

2009-05-08T13:42:00.002-05:00

In terms of being a single person, I feel completely defeated. I always seem to attract losers, and nary get an a call from someone I know saying they've met someone for me. This makes me sad. I don't know how to put myself out there for the good guys to find me. I am clueless.

I sit, and watch most of the single people I know. They have dated so many more people than I have. Shared so many more experiences. They've been the one that men eye first. While I'm happy for their experiences, I sit and wonder "why can't that be me?"

It's not that I want someone to do the work for me, but I want to be the one that men desire to be with. It's been a looooooong time since I've felt desired by a man about five plus years in all honesty). I can't figure out what I'm doing to deter men from wanting to get to know me, or wanting to hang out with me.

I miss the feeling of a man's touch.

I miss feeling needed and wanted in a passionate way.

I feel as if I need a dating coach to teach me how to attract Mr. Right. Sad, isn't it? I don't understand why I don't feel wired to be attractive. Maybe my self doubt comes from years of watching others find their special someone...while I sit in the background alone.

I know I've said that I'm happy with my life, and I am. I feel like I have old wounds reopened and salt poured into them everytime I meet a single guy, and find out a week later that said single guy has started dating someone I know. It sucks because it seems to happen about once a month, and as happy as I am for my friends, I'm ready for it to be my turn.

Update

2009-04-26T23:40:00.004-05:00

Life, up to date:

1) Still single
2) Still wish I wasn't
3) Beginning to slowly realize being single isn't at bad as I always make it out to be
4) I have a great appreciation for AA batteries
5) I have spent many hours this week cooking delicious meals, and equal hours enjoying said meals
6) I've got a short work week ahead of me, and have plans to take a fun day trip!!
7) Have re-realized that baby boys laughter is the most heartwarming noise I've ever laid ears on
8) As often as I've felt alone, I've managed to remind myself that life is mostly about attitude and choice
9) I now choose to be happy, even in the face of frustration
10) I've always felt like a mixture of Bridget Jones and that chick from Jerry McGuire. One could only be so lucky!! I've got a great life, awesome baby boy, and my health.. I don't need a psycho Tom Cruise in my life...now, a sexy British man? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming about that one!

Yes, a bullet post is slightly week and boring...but it encompasses my life as of late: kinda boring, a huge contradiction with moments of awesomeness. How have things been in your world?

I Shake My Fist

2009-04-20T22:38:00.002-05:00

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Hope.

2009-04-19T22:20:00.002-05:00

I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on match.com. I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.

Hope.

I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my match.com adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!

Warsh

2009-04-09T08:18:00.003-05:00

I did laundry in my bathtub last night.

Why? Because this mama is BRIZOKE!

It was actually kind of fun*! I had baby boy pile up the clothes we needed to wash. (He got extremely excited when the bubbles began forming in the tub). We soaked the clothes in the soapy water for about an hour...then I "agitated them" for ten minutes, rinsed...allowed them to soak in fresh, non-soapy water, then wrung them out as best I could, placing the clothes on hangers hanging in my bathroom. Yeah, it sucked. Did I mention this was a free alternative to the laundry room? Oh YEAH**! (I'm that sad and pathetic).

I had been thinking of the tub laundry approach for about a week. My laundry has really began piling up, and I'm too cheap to do anything about it. It wasn't until I heard someone refer to doing laundry in their bath tub that I felt validated enough to try it out for myself. I think it will work better once it's warm outside, so the clothes will actually DRY overnight instead of remaining very damp after 8+ hours of hanging.

*I feel like I'm living the life of a poor wench from 1902.
**I'm so cool that I'm high-fiving myself. Don't be jealous.

Danger

2009-04-08T12:43:00.003-05:00

Introducing Danger (or D).

Whenever we converse, I feel an immense amount of physical sexual tension. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint where it comes from, but it's there. Maybe it's because D is so mystic. It could be the constant 5pm shadow, D's musical talents, or the fact that I know he's a bad boy and the only need he would fulfill would be solely physical (I know this, because I've had lengthy discussions with him, I digress).

He abuses drugs and alcohol (like I said, he's a bad boy, although I've been down that road and refuse to go back).
He's a non conformist. It makes me laugh.
I can tell D's heart wants to give, but I know he will refuse it the liberty to do so.
Although this man lives far, far away and we've never met in person, I know he's dangerous for me. I get excited and fearful for what would happen should we ever actually meet.

There's something about him that electrifies my innards. I am beginning to realize I want him because I know I cannot have him.

A night I want to erase.

2009-04-05T20:48:00.003-05:00

I took a break from alcohol for the month of march. I had fun without spending unnecessary money. I remembered the details of entire evenings, and I did it all sober.

It's not that I have a problem with alcohol. The break was to prove to myself that I don't have issues with it.

On Saturday I was invited to go out with a friend of mine, and company she had visiting from out of town. The day before, I was informed the company was a lesbian couple. I don't understand why she felt the need to tell me that, because I would not have cared less. I felt a little uncomfortable with the situation of just the four of us kicking it...but decided to meet the pair before passing judgement. Honestly, their sexual orientation was NONE of my business.

When I met up with them to grab a quick bite before we went out, I was jovial. One of the girls was very talkative and comfortable, as was my friend...but one was oddly quiet. Since this was my first time drinking, I tried making the most of the situation, but I'd be lying if I told you I was comfortable.

The four of us headed back to my friend's place, and proceeded to mix up cocktails. Late in the evening we decided to walk to the watering hole just down the road, and have some shots and chill. Walking in, I ran into a kid I went to high school with. He was a dick in high school and things hadn't changed. I tried saying hello, and he shrugged me off. His loss I suppose!

We sat at the same table I had been at on the last day of February. I looked around, and the same guy I hit on the last day of February was there. In a nutshell, I had made an ass of myself the last time I was at this place, and should've known the guy was going to be there, I digress.

I ordered us a round of shots, brought them to the table, and EVERYONE turned their nose up to them. Yes, the bartender had effed the shots up and they were heavy on Crown, but WHO CARES! They were shots, we were drinking. My feelings were hurt that I was the only one who took the shot, not to mention I was already inebriated, which intensified my internal pity party even more.

I continue to browse the bar crowd, and who do I see but the guy I made out with the last time I drank..ya know...on the last day of February when I was on a roll. Not only had I made out with this guy, but I had given him my number and he never called me. Burn.

When I saw him, he actually knew the majority of the people at the bar. I was completely taken aback, sitting there while he walked around shaking people's hands and saying hello. You see, (not that it matters) when I had met him just over a month earlier at the same establishment he was sitting quiet, not talking to anyone. Picking the same bar I had met him at seemed like a safe bet for me (not that i was avoiding him...but I didn't NEED to see him). I felt like a tool.

My mood was intensified when I had a verbal spat with my friend , in front of her company. It was mis-communication on both of our parts...and it didn't help the stellar night I was having. At. All.

Since I was drunk, I wanted to smoke because it's the ONLY time I can smoke...weird, I know. Nobody in my group smoked, so I had to go up to Make-Out boy and bum one from him. I told him he should come outside and smoke with me, and he obliged. I was looking forward to clearing the air (lol, that's funny considering we were smoking...I digress yet again!). I wasn't half way through my cig and my friend walked up and said they were walking home, and told me I was coming with her. Huh-WHAT?

At that point, I wanted to punch her in the face. My night was already shitty, and there she was, yanking me away from a boy I was talking with...a boy who, if anything, could have been my drunk make-out buddy. Grr.

Did I mention it was snowing at this point? Huge, frozen, beautiful snowflakes were everywhere, and it was APRIL. Double Grr.

I wanted to leave the situation completely. I didn't want to leave my car, because if I left I didn't want to go back to the house the next day. I knew I couldn't drive, so I had to suck it up and pass out. It sucked.

So today, I sit here bummed with a headache. I guess I was fortunate to have many fun nights that included drinking, moreso than not. Last night was one of those "nots."

The night could have been worse, sure...but I know the night also could've been better.

Sunday Blues

2009-03-29T12:45:00.003-05:00

Today, I sit and I cry. I cry about things that are not. I cry about things that could be, but won't. I sit. I cry.

I know my hormones are bringing about this intense surge of eeyore syndrome. I know it will (most likely) only last today and tomorrow I will wake up with strength to shelve these emotions.

I want a home with a yard for my child to play in, and I cry because I don't foresee that happening before he is in kindergarten (or ever). My credit is horrible, and my income is just enough to keep the lights on, and pay daycare.

I cry because others around me are afforded great opportunity, and I wonder why I haven't been afforded the same because I work just as hard, if not harder (yeah, I am the complete and total makings of a solo pity party...).

I cry because my relationship with my father has faded into nothing, and it kills me.

I cry because my mom has a new found freedom that doesn't include me, but her "boyfriend" and the nearest bar or bottle of beer.

I cry because my brother is going to be sent to war, and I cry for his daughter and the possibility that she might not ever know her father.

I cry because the hope of me finding a man to compliment my life seems impossibly impossible.

I cry because I feel like I am failing my child. Yes, he might not think so today...but in 20 years I fear he will look back and hold animosity towards me...for not affording him a stable nucleic family that I had growing up....

I sit alone, and I cry.

Anatomy of a Woman

2009-03-25T08:24:00.002-05:00

(at least the women I know)

I don't know many (if any) girls my age who enjoy being single. Most of the women I know have been in a long term relationship, are living with their boyfriend, or are married. The ones who have relationships end, no matter how long or short, troll for the next guy almost immediately.

Maybe I'm jealous because dating as a single mother has been so much different that dating as a single young 20-something. Yup. That's it. I'm jealous that it's them and not me. I'm jealous that I've been patient for over four years. I've woken up 95% of my days these past four years with a smile on my face. Knowing that I'd be the only person to feed my baby, change his diapers, read to him, make him giggle. Knowing that I didn't have the shoulder to physically cry on when things got tough. Knowing it was just me.

I'm totally pms-ing right now. I can feel my intense hormones surging, but these feelings of "when is it my turn?" never subside. I survive on the hope that it will be my turn to be giddy sooner than later.

PMS aside, what brought on my surge of emotion from this astute observation? In the past few months, I've known three women to become newly single, and two of those women have met new guys or had multiple male prospects in their life. I'm happy and supportive, yes...but I want it to be my turn. I'm sick of being the cheerleader for other people's new relationships.

*Girls, if you EVER read this...you know I love you...and this post is mostly brought to you by the demons knows as P, M and S. Mwah.

The Battle Surges On

2009-03-24T10:10:00.002-05:00

SHITFUCKDAMNCOCKSUCKINGASSHOLES!

Whew! I feel better now.

What has my panties in a bunch? People who literally suck at life...specifically baby boy's former daycare center, and their immoral billing procedures. Money hungry mongrels they are!

Yes, I just got off of the phone with the so-called president of a collections agency. My son's former daycare assholes messed up their ledger, and after withdrawing my son from their center decided to throw a bill that totals more than a grand at my face.

What did I throw at their face? A big "EFF YOU!"

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. I utilized a free attorney via the employee assistance program. And this crap STILL HAUNTS ME.

Why don't you just settle to get them off of your back? Hells no. I refuse to be bullied by a psychotic woman (the director of baby boys former daycare). That's what I chalk this up to. A giant case of ageism bullying.

I'm completely irritated by this matter, and honestly want to punch someone in the face (preferably the former daycare director).

The "president" asked me if I wanted to settle..to which I responded that I feel as if I already settled when I cut a check for close to three hundred dollars on my son's last day of childcare (an amount I was told was my close-out balance four days prior).

Thanks for listening to my whining. One of the many perks of being single is never having someone to vent to....except for complete strangers via the internet ;-)

p.s. If you live in the Minneapolis area, and are looking for daycare...email me and I'll disclose the name of the center to you.

A Crush.

2009-03-23T13:20:00.003-05:00

Sisters before Misters. Doe's before Bro's.

This past month has been the month of crazy, out of the blue break-ups for my friends. I don't know if there's something in the drinking water or what, but I've known 5 people who have gone through some sort of major dating dilemma/breakup.

Ya wanna know what's weird? I kind of have thing for a few of the ex's.

I feel really guilty about these feelings. So much so that I will never act on my crush(s), nor do I feel like I can explain it.

Is it normal to have a crush on your friends ex? An ex that has been dating your friend for years, or an ex that has only been dating your friend for a few month...does it matter? I feel really dirty for having these feelings. I don't know where they've come from, other than the fact that I'm single, horny, longing for male-attention, etc. I have had respect for these men, and I know for certain at least one of the "relationships" ended amiably....BUT STILL! Argh.

The End of DB

2009-03-19T08:18:00.002-05:00

I cried last night. An ugly cry. A cry that was mostly warranted. A cry that I don't think I could've prevented even if I had tried.

During dinner this past Sunday, DB asked me about a girl I used to be friends with. I responded by telling him we are no longer friends and that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. He respected that and our conversation moved on.

Since I'm open here, I'll let you know WHY this Girl and I are no longer friends.
Long story short:

She's a whore and sleeps with all men she comes into contact with...honest to god.
We hung out with some boys in high school and I had a huge crush on one of them, Hottie.
In college me, Girl, and four other girls moved into a house together.
I ended up having a glorious, hot and steamy one night stand with Hottie (and in all honesty, I still look back on that night and smile.....)
The next day, I find out she had been sleeping with Hottie for a couple of years (even though he had been in a relationship) and she pretended like I had known (which she conveniently NEVER told me because she knew I would be hurt by her whore-ishness.
Our friendship ended. It was ugly.

So yeah, that's the story I didn't feel comfortable telling DB on Sunday.

Rewind to last night. Via text, I sent DB a casual, friendly invite to a St. Patty's dinner I was making on Monday. Yeah yeah yeah, it was the day after we had initially hung out...Whatev's. I knew I was going to have a plethora of food, and I wanted to be nice.

He never responded to my text. He never sent me a message when we were clearly both on facebook at the same time ALL WEEK.

And then, I saw it. He had become friends on facebook with Girl. I felt hurt, betrayed and used. Almost as if he had hung out with me on Sunday to try and get to Her. The tears started flowing, and the ugly crying began. He has since been unfriended. I don't feel the need to surround myself with idiots, and he, my friends, is a Grade A idiot.

My mom tried to tell me I was throwing stones at my knight on a white horse. I quickly corrected her and told her I was throwing stones at a donkey, and she need not worry.

So, as of today, I'm still searching for my knight on a white horse. I deserve more than what I've experienced today. I really do.

I survive. I wonder.

2009-03-17T21:24:00.002-05:00

I sit at home and think of what I want out of life.

Happiness, yes.
Health, of course.
Stability and security, please.

The one thing I am desperately craving is companionship. I want a man to share my life with. I want a man next to me. To flirt with me. To touch me. To wake up next to. To laugh with. To sing with. To share life experiences with.

Every day I put a smile on my face. I laugh, I try to focus at work (when I'm not sitting on facebook, I digress).

Every day that I wake up, I am surviving single. It's a lot more difficult than you would imagine, especially because I bear the responsibility of raising a little boy with strong and respectable morals. A baby boy who is just as stubborn and lovable as his mother. An amazing yet challenging being in my life.

I try to turn to my friends for support. Most of them are busy with their own companions, and the rest are busy being young, going to happy hours or night clubs.

Every day I wonder if I when meet my soul mate. My companion. My ying to their yang. I know it will happen. I believe he is out there.

I always wonder if today is the day....

For now, I continue to survive single.....plus one.

The Dinner that Was.

2009-03-16T22:43:00.003-05:00

After the debauchery of last week...and a few facebook messages I caved in and decided to give him another chance at coming over to dinner (is it just me or does that statement sound extremely overly giving on my behalf...yeah...I digress)

The time: 6pm
The place: Mine
The Menu: Steak and potatoes (of course!)

At 5 I received a text "I'm going to be about a half hour late."

At 5:45 I received another text "I won't make it until 7."

At 5:46 I made a PBJ for myself and baby boy. I figured if I was still going to allow him over, I'd better not be hungry...mama's freaky when she's hungry!!

I went on with my nightly rituals with baby boy, and before I knew it I had him in his pj's and in bed.

He arrived at my place around 7:50. He looked amazing. Stunning. Sexy. My frustrations for his tardiness dissipated the moment we said hi (honestly, I didn't say hi...I said "the next time we hang out I'll tell you we're meeting at 4"..I'm cute like that...)

Dinner was ready within ten minutes of his arrival. When we sat down to eat I was extremely surprised how comfortable the conversation was. He was interesting and funny...and I found myself making him laugh a few times as well.

He stayed and talked until after midnight, even doing the dishes after eating (it was adorable, really!).

I still can't believe how quickly the time flew...however I'm puzzled (kind of). There was a goodbye hug..and nothing more. No plans for hanging out again. Hmph.

I think in my head I was hoping he'd go in for the kill....but I guess all things happen for a reason (I just haven't been able to figure out what that reason might be. Any suggestions?)

p.s. If you think he JUST wants to be friends I know...my mind is kind of telling me that too. For the moment, I'm relishing in the fantasy of wishing for something more. I don't know if I'm ready to come off of my cloud quite yet.

The dinner that wasn't

2009-03-09T13:44:00.003-05:00

Baby boy was up at 6:30 on Sunday morning. Yeah, you read that right...6:30am. I blinked my eyes, and laid in bed for an hour or so. By 7:30 we were at the table, eating Life cereal. I was mentally going through my game-plan.

My house was literally a disaster zone. The combination of the winter, and lack of motivation had left me with a mess. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'm really glad I don't...it was embarrassing. Let's just say my artificial christmas tree was still standing in all of its glory.

Immediately following breakfast I got to work. Eight loads of laundry, three loads of dishes through the dishwasher, sweeping and moping the floor, vaccuming, taking down the tree, rearranging my living room, decluttering. You name it, if it had to do with cleaning, I probably did it.

All the while I was watching the clock. He was supposed to be over at 6 for dinner, and I needed to shower, and run to the grocery store after cleaning was over. Let me just tell you, my afternoon shower was the most rewarding shower I've had in a while!

At 5pm I sat in my robe on the couch. I knew I was cutting it close on time, but I also knew I could pull it off. I went to check my phone and found two text messages. The first was from a great friend, and read: "Good Luck tonight! I hope everything goes well." The second read: "I just got a call from a friend of my parents about a job opportunity, and i am afraid i am going to pass on dinner."

WTF.

I was dignified in my response, saying "Bummer. Good luck with everything. Ttyl."

So there ya have it. The dinner that wasn't.

Honestly, I was bummed. At the exact same time, I wasn't surprised....and I only say that because of the history (or lack there of) with him.

The one positive thing that came of Sunday? I've got a pretty darn clean home!!