Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'll let you know that I'm suffering from major buyers remorse. I spent the equivalent of a paycheck and a half this past weekend. I totally got caught up in the holiday bustle..and wound up with a gleaming 40in LCD 1080p Samsung tv, a blue ray disc player, about 15 new dvds* (I wish I was kidding, but I'm not), and a few other odds and ends. I'm very pleased, really...just trying to hold myself back from shitting bricks for spending so recklessly! Oh well...Ya only live once, right? I'd rather be remembered as the single mom with the kick ass tv and dvd collection than the single mom who just was.
Because I chose to leave my mom's in a huff on turkey day, I took the liberty of making my OWN turkey dinner this afternoon. I purchased a full sized fresh turkey breast (why do I think that sounds dirty? hehe)..it was about 6lbs(?), and smothering the meat in sage/garlic butter. I also made green bean casserole, and sausage stuffing. I cracked open a can of cranberry jelly, and life was amazing. I have a few sweet potatoes and some regular potatoes on reserve for about Wednesday. With only baby boy and myself, I couldn't justify going ALL out. The whole meal still put a huge smile on my face!!
*p.s. I got every black friday deal imaginable, and didn't leave my house until quarter to 9 in the morning. I pity the fools that wake up at 3am...seriously! This mama needs her sleep, and I would hate to imagine what I would be like if I were one of the dreadful souls shivering in line to get the same deals that I got from sleeping through their misery and getting to the stores as my own pace. It actually makes me laugh like dr. evil. Throw me a fricken bone ;-)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My mom had taken the liberty of reserving a hotel suite downtown. She knew there were going to be a lot of people coming down, and let's face it, my family knows how to party.
I arrived around 6, when I was able to get my sitter to come over for baby boy. The beer was flowing, and life was good. I had two missions that night. 1) Get wasted. 2) Find a boy and make-out
Once the booze was flowing, life was amazing. Laughs, stories and great memories were had. By around 9pm, I was black out drunk (goal 1 accomplished...yessssss).
My friend and I decided to venture around downtown to some local bars to see how I could go about checking my second goal off of my list. The first bar we hit up was LAME. It was packed, and the bartenders didn't know what they were doing. I was charged five dollars for a half shot of captain, with a LOT of cola. Redonkulous!!! Needless to say, that bartender didn't get a tip from me!!
We took a cab to a bar I used to work at (back in the day) but hadn't visited in a long time. There were seats open at the bar, and the bartender looked vaguely familiar (remember, I WAS WASTED by this point...).
Two more drinks and about fifteen minutes later, my brother and two of his friends showed up. I snagged one friend aside, and talked him into doing shots of tequila with me. APPARENTLY* after the first shot, I decided to have him lick salt off of my hand for the next three rounds of shots we did (me, licking the salt off of his hand...kind of a lame move, but it was the best I had!! haha).
This dude drove me home, and I was so smooth that I basically threw myself at him once everyone left his car. We made out for about five seconds. I left his car, and APPARENTLY** ran up to my sitters bf and told him I loved him and that he was my boyfriend, but just didn't know it yet***.
Then, I did the coolest thing of all. I drunk texted my brothers friend, and called him about ten times in a row. Don't you wish you were as cool as me? And I wonder why I'm single!!!
All in all, I accomplished both of my goals, and had a damn good time doing it!
*I only remember one shot, and was told today of the other 3 and the way in which we took them.
**I don't remember seeing my sitter OR her bf.
***However, every time I see her bf (even when I'm sober) I always tell him I'm his girlfriend..and he doesn't know it yet. He's hot....like, really really hot!
He gave me his email...I wrote him. A series of instant messages followed. I couldn't tell if he was as "in" to me as I was to him.
Christmas break rolled around, and I decided I was going to make my move. I told him I was having a Christmas party...and I was so smooth, that he was the only guy I had invited. It was innocent, and fun. Drinking was involved (of course, DUH!) and before I knew it, our lips were entangled and my goal was accomplished.
He was mine.
I was so happy with our relationship. This was my second actual semi-serious boyfriend. His family was great. His friends were meh. Our relationship was met with challenges since I was going to school 2.5 hours away...I won't lie, I actually drove to the cities drunk because he was going to a strip club, and I had zero self esteem to handle that or control my actions.
The classic thought "if I knew then what I know now" haunts me when I think about all of the silly things Mark and I mixed words over.
Did I mention Mark is completely opposite of me? He is very introverted and apathetic. I am very extroverted and sympathetic. He would prefer to sit in his room for 8 hours straight playing computer games. I prefer to go to the movies, meet friends at the bars or talk about nothing for hours. He feels like the world hates him. I love the world and everything it has to offer.
Almost every relationship has its negative stories associated with it. As frustrated as I am about our tainted history together, he really is and was an amazing guy.
On a college student's budget, he surprised me by renting a hotel room, getting my stuff into the room, setting up a romantic setting with a burned cd filled with romantic love songs, and completely sweeping me off of my feet. There hasn't been a man since who has done something so amazing for me.
A year and a half into our relationship, Mark and I sat down to have a serious talk. Things had been ugly between the two of us. It was almost as if our relationship tensions mimicked that of an unhappy married couple who had been wanting to divorce each other for over a decade. He looked at me, and told me he had something to tell me, but couldn't figure out how to say it.
To this day, I still think he was going to tell me he was gay. I don't know why, but if you could've seen the look on his face...
He told me he had become un-attracted to me because of my weight. I had gained the freshman 15 (ok, so maybe it was 20), but I wasn't grotesquely overweight. I was completely crushed. Maybe the look of fear on his face was his poor attempt at being sympathetic. He knew his words would crush me, and they did.
I told him to leave, and he did. That was the beginning of the end for Mark and I. From that moment on, what we had was broken. There wasn't a remedy to resolve our issues. We tried being friends with benefits. We tried just being friends. Our issues continued to circulate around dysfunction.
The night I had told Mark that I was pregnant, he stated the obvious thing to do was to have an abortion. He literally spelled it out. The baby wasn't his. I had been dating another guy (who I'll fill you in about later...). Maybe this is me making an excuse for Mark, but he is very analytical, and feared the costs of raising a child would break me. He knew I wasn't going to have support. I set him straight, gently reminding him that I was a strong person. Mark was actually in the hospital room when I delivered baby boy almost two and a half years ago (Marks face was a shade of white that can never be reproduced..I still chuckle when I think about it!).
My friendship with Mark ended a little over three months ago. He's still a great person, but had unresolved resentment towards me. He would bottle this resentment and explode at me (in front of baby boy) once every six months or so. I had warned him that I wouldn't tolerate behavior like that in front of baby boy...maybe he didn't think I was serious. Labor day weekend, he exploded at me in front of baby boy, and we haven't spoken since.
The story of Mark makes me smile, but also makes me cry. I can say with utmost certainty that I've grown a lot because of Mark (in more ways than one...haha, I'm funny!). I've also learned a lot from him, and for this, I am grateful.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I wasn't one of those kids in high school who took trips to college's near and far to decide where I wanted to pay out my arse for a degree. I was one of those kids whose parents said "you're going to school, find one and apply...NOW!" My parents were all too consumed in their disasterous marriage to worry about taking me to the state schools or the private ones. That being said, I applied at UMD (the school everyone from the cities goes to for at least one year because they think it'll be awesome to get away from home..but it's close enough to return home if need be).
I was accepted, but had applied late into my senior year that I had been placed in overflow housing. In a nutshell, I lived in a hotel my first year of college. One would think "awesome!" but it was far from. I didn't meet the people I had expected to befriend.
My heart was back in the cities.
About a month into school, I took a trip to the Twin City campus to meet up with some kids from high school and party. When I was checking into the dorms, Mark (a boy I had gone to high school with) was the security guard. I had always had a secret crush on him. All I remember was we were in Chem together, and his icy blue eyes melted my soul.
I did what any college freshman would do. I went up to the dorm I was visiting, did four shots of 100 proof vodka, and returned to the lobby to get Mark's info.
He gave me his email...which was the beginning of many things to come.
More next Tuesday! Stay tuned...
Monday, November 17, 2008
I take comfort in knowing that the past is the past. I will write about it. I will embrace its facts. I will understand that it helps make me who I am today...but I will also sleep peacefully knowing I have grown from my mistakes. I have opened my eyes to red-flag situations, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to laugh as if nobody is watching. I will keep my eyes focused on reaching for the moon....because I know I'll end up amongst the stars
(and I will stop with the cheesy metaphoric quotes and sayings from here on out...maybe.)
I'm either uber paranoid...or my son is far beyond his years. I am under the impression that he resents me for not having a father figure in his life. Somehow, his actions and attitudes seem to hold a lot of frustration, and him proclaiming "nope" when I ask him to do a simple task...mirroring a teenager saying "eff you mom" through his smug little attitude. Baby Boy is living on his looks right now...but Mama is hanging on by a thread. There are so many "boy tendencies" I wish he had a father around for...
We were sitting on the couch together, watching the Amazing Race, and I busted BB playing with himself. I swear to god he had a baby boner. Think what you may, but WTF am I supposed to do about this?!?! Seriously! I didn't think boys were supposed to do this kind of stuff until they were teens...let alone in FRONT OF THEIR MOTHERS!
The kicker was, he got really upset with me when I told him NOT to touch himself. I probably handled the entire situation wrong..but seriously, I'm new at this "2.5 yo boy touching himself" thing. Do I have an overly horny toddler? Is this honestly normal? What's a single mom to do???
I'm a second away from throwing my hands in the air and shouting "I GIVE UP!"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
These words have spoken near and dear to my heart for a while. I was recently reminded of them by a Frog (FRiend I met through blOGging).
However, I'm not sure this quote always holds true to my life. See, I'm faced with a situation where I have acquaintences who mind, but also matter. They matter because they are good people, and they mind because (I feel) they have too many things going on in their own lives to take the time to understand where my thoughts and actions come from. I can't bring myself to hold this against them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not holding my breath for them to have a "friend breakthrough"..but I refuse to cut them out of my social scene...and I refuse to feel like they don't matter.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Short story: He sent me a short icebreaker message, I responded by saying "Let's skip the hoops and start talking via email." We started talking, sent a handful of emails back and forth, and spoke on the phone for the first time last night...for THREE HOURS.
I'm a girl. I like talking. I really like talking on the phone. However, I'm a bit nervous that we spent too much time on the phone before we actually have met each other face to face. Maybe that's the traditionalist in me? I don't know, we'll see.
He was (obviously) a very nice guy. He's also tall (6'3), and has a very rugged Italian look (at least his profile pics do...). He was also very open with me....open about stuff the guys I know RARELY talk about. He spoke of where he grew up (Northern MN) and what type of life he wanted to find for himself (large family, living in the north woods, enjoying life, etc.).
Country Boy (CB) was also very open about marriage. At one point, he clarified his marriage and baby talk wasn't necessarily speaking of us...but his words were somewhat refreshing to me. They were refreshing because guys my age cringe about admitting they want to get married, live in a house and have children...CB embraced it. I'm not saying my flags were going up...but I'll admit he seems a bit too good to be true.
We have a lunch date set for Tuesday... You can bet your bottom dollar I'll fill you in, good OR bad!! :-)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
With the eradication of TB from my life, I decided to (not only) take time to enjoy BB and the single life, but I also did something completely hypocritical and started seriously looking at some of my online dating candidates. I've began talking with a few.
I'm afraid I've become a bit cynical towards opening my life up though. Hopefully this saddle won't prove to be as bumpy of a ride as TB was. I'm sure I'll land on my feet, either way :-) That's the only choice I've got, really.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
We walked out to my car, and the only emotion conveyed on my face were the tears streaming one after another. I started the car, and drove a few blocks away to a dimly lit parking lot. I could barely speak. DO looked at me, and asked me to tell him what happened (mind you, he was a lot more inebriated than I was...).
I didn't know where to go, or who to reach out to. Did what I think just happened REALLY happen? Unfortunately, yes. I decided to race to the place of a close friend, at a local college dormitory. I had known her for almost ten years, and she was like a sister to me. I had woken her up, explained what had happened (while DO stood there in shock), and she convinced me to call the police. I was scared, but knew in my heart that calling the police was the right thing to do.
Seeing as my friend was living in the dorms, the second the city police arrived, campus police was in tote.
My friend delicately explained to campus police that my presence had NOTHING to do with their college, and with that, I was sitting in the front seat of a police car, being taken to the hospital by a nice (and really good looking) police officer.
I felt so ashamed, disgusting and scared. They had to draw blood, and gave me some medication to eradicate any form of a virus that I could have possibly received from ASS. They also took my clothes for "evidence."*
When I left the hospital, the sun was up. I was taken by a friend back to my car, and had asked that she not say anything to anyone. I had told my brother, and I literally had to hold him back from hunting this guy down and literally killing him. Somehow, my mom had found out what had happened, and with that, I decided I needed to leave town. I didn't want to face reality, or the disappointment I was sure that was smeared across my parents' faces. I just wanted to crawl into a hole, and disappear.
After hiding at the random house of a friend for two straight days, I slowly made my way back home. It took me a while, but eventually I felt strong enough to face my parents. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I'm thankful I was able to overcome my guilt and shame. I'm relieved they didn't think worse of me.
*I never saw those clothes again...
Not only did my senior year prove to be a year of firsts (first time I was drunk, first boyfriend, first prom, etc.) I learned the hard way that you can't always trust who you're with.
I was with a friend of mine DO and it was March 16th. We decided to visit his friend's college apartment, and have a few drinks. For me, all it took was two vodka sours, and I was tipsy. Really, I rarely, if ever drank. My rocky family life had caused me to lose interest in abiding by their rules. I was the driver that night, but at the time, didn't plan on coming home.
So there I was; myself, DO who was a year younger than me, (and just so happened to be my "one and only ex's" friend), sitting at his coworkers apartment. In a confusing nutshell; JR, DO and this college guy, ASS, had all worked together.
The exact details of the night have faded from my memory, but I can tell you this. At one point, DO and I were in the bathroom together, talking about life. We were both drunk*, and we ended up making out. That was all, it was completely innocent.
The next thing I knew, I was sitting on ASS's couch. They had put in the movie Animal House. DO got up, and went back to the bathroom to talk on his phone. I was bored with the movie, so I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, ASS was rubbing my stomach. I was frozen like a deer in headlights. My eyes continued to stay shut. In my head, I was asking myself "what in the hell is this guy doing?" My body was frozen. He then decided I was passed out enough to have sex with me. I was violated by a man I barely knew... I didn't open my eyes and say "HEY! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" because I was scared shitless.
When DO returned from the bathroom, ASS and went in to clean himself up, I opened my eyes, immediately started crying, and told DO we needed to leave. He went along with me, and once we were to my car I explained what had just happened. I swear I felt like a scene straight out of the movie KIDS had just taken place. In fact, I feel disgusting writing it all out on here. As horrible as this story may seem, it is a piece of my puzzle. A piece that may (or may not) help me to unravel the reason's behind why I am the way I am with men.
*drunk at that point in my life had literally entailed two drinks...and was nowhere near what I would consider drunk today...I still haven't decided if that's good or bad!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Do you (secretly) desire to be told what to do? I am a Dominant male in
search of a submissive woman who would enjoy serving and pleasing her Man in
many ways. Exactly how is something we would discuss in order to determine if we
are a match.I am interested in finding someone who knows what it is to serve or
is curious about knowing. Someone who knows that she will be rewarded when she
is good and punished when she is bad. The punishment can take several forms, ie.
no dessert, withdrawal of affection, spankings, etc.I know that you have lived
an independent life-because you've had to. You will be rebellious and difficult
and seek to thwart me. I know what to do. I am experienced and realize that
nothing worth having is easy to attain. I am up for the challenge, whatever
obstacles you may put before me.You can be a novice, intermediate or
experienced; the important thing is the desire to serve. I am looking for a
woman who understands or wants to explore her submissive side and be there for
her Man and wants to be at his command. He is interested in someone who is open
minded and willing to obey his orders. We will email, talk, meet and then I will
decide if you are worthy of my attention.Email with a picture and your thoughts
on the matter and we shall begin.
SIGN ME UP! ;-)
Sunday, November 9, 2008
In a way, I kind of feel like I was broken up with via a post-it, although in this case, it was via IM when I wasn't near my computer.
Tall Boy: I just closed our match on eHarmony. I don't think I am ready to date yet, and I just don't think we will get along that well in the long term. I haven't been very fair to you, and I think we could be good friends, but I just don't think we are right for each other. We can meet up somewhere to talk about it if you want, or give me a call tonight later on and we can talk about it too. Thanks for being so patient with me, and I'm sorry it didn't work out better.The light I had seen at the end of the tunnel to find a good guy is now dark. I know the dating world is filled with highs and lows, but my highs haven't seemed too high, and my lows seem to be suffocating me. The new dating relationship I had experienced and it's out-right end hurts more than I expected it too. Hmph.
Friday, November 7, 2008
On another note...A personal ad. Not me selling myself, but me being upfront with what I want. Shared thoughts are VERY appreciated, thanks!
I want a man who isn't afraid to be looked after, but isn't afraid to do the looking after.
I want a man who is tolerant and patient.
A man who isn't afraid to be silly or spontaneous.
A man who is caring, with a strong shoulder to lean on.
I want a man who isn't afraid to want a woman in his life.
A man who is embracing of where I've been, and what I have to bring to the table.
I want a man who has a sense of humor, and is willing to laugh at himself and his own mistakes.
If you aren't willing to step up to the plate with an open mind, and a willingness to communicate, don't waste my time. You aren't the man for me, and I'm not the woman for you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
You see, I'm on a business trip for a meeting. The hotel is lovely. The bed is HUGE! I feel like I might get lost in it while I'm sleeping tonight!
Brian in Mpls...Where are ya when I need ya? ;-)
Why do I do this? I haven't a clue.
I really need to take about twenty steps back with TB. I'll be honest...I'm quite sure that I'm scaring him away. I am a woman who functions on communication, and he is a bit broken from his last relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compromise who I am for a guy...but I am trying to grasp onto a bit of patience which seems to disappear the second I am not getting what I want, when I want it.
I think my lack of "constantly getting what I want" is the main thing that deters me from dating. Right now, mama wants "man-tention." Right now, mama's not gettin "man-tention." So...like I said...I think I need a Friend with Benefit, ASAP! (Unless someone else has another, less slutty suggestion!! ANYBODY?)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Typically, you take your boyfriend to prom. Not this chick. I took a BP, nothing more than a friend and nothing less. Dinner was nice...expensive, but nice. The dance was held in a giant old building in downtown Saint Paul. The building almost overshadowed the dance...but it is what it is. The entire time we were there, I felt like I was babysitting my date. Since he didn't know anyone, I felt obligated to sit next to him, to try and make him feel included. I wasn't extremely successful...thank goodness we headed to a friends' cabin afterwards to get wasted ;)
The cabin was just the right distance away. Far enough where we were out of earshot of any local authorities, but not too far where it only took us an hour to get there. I would safely say about 20 of us were there, somehow armed with a lot-o-booze.
Since I wasn't too much of a drinker, I stayed mostly sober (which turned out to be a great thing). High school inexperience led one of my classmates to drink scotch as if it were apple juice. The next thing I knew, his lips were purple and I was practically shoving his own hands down his throat to make him throw up. I sat next to him the entire night, making sure he was staying conscious so he wouldn't die. Literally, looking back after years of drinking under my belt, we were all very lucky nothing serious had happened to this kid.
Long story short, a night which was supposed to be magical left me feeling on the outside of things, babysitting my date at the dance, then babysitting a classmate of mine at the after-party. I don't know about you, but it seems to me like I was meant to mother. Go figure I am now 25 and a single mom!
Monday, November 3, 2008
- A girl I've known for 15 years announced her engagement! I am off the walls excited for her, but at the same time I'm a bit freaked out. Another one of my friends leaving the realms of the dating world, and entering the society of the married people. I am also trying to hold onto my excitement, even though I can't help but wonder if I'll be included in the bridesmaid duties. I hate to sound selfish, but she is one of the people I always expected to ask me to be in her wedding....however, my track record with friends getting married leaves me only with an invite. Yes, some of you think "consider yourself lucky" but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think I've earned my bridesmaid stripe, and I'm just saying that I'd be disappointed if I wasn't selected. I'm stepping off of my soapbox now..hehe
- I setup two friends! The girl I had known from elementary school. Funny thing is, back in the day we did NOT get along. We recently reconnected through a mutual friend, and she's a great person. The guy I've been on a softball team with for about five years. He's a great guy, so I figured they'd make a great match! They hit it off rather well...I hope karma will come around ten fold on this one! It's not everyday that a single girl willingly gives up a great single guy to a girlfriend :)
- I went on another date with TB. I went to his house. He had bought steak to grill, and I brought over the makings for cheesy potatoes. It was delicious, low key, and I seriously wanted to jump him a couple of times, (but resisted). After dinner we went outside and had a bonfire. I proceeded to spill both of our drinks because I'm just that smooth. The night air was crisp, the conversation was light...until he told me a horrible story about his ex, and a dog they had owned together.* ANYWAYS! After the fire we watched the Goonies. It's a fun movie, and as the movie went on I found myself inching closer to cuddling. He had sat in the wrong spot again. Instead of making my way towards the cuddle "nook" I settled for resting my head on his shoulder. Butterflies were flipping in my stomach...it was lovely! The two of us had both fallen asleep before we knew it. After the movie was over, I felt it appropriate to call it a night since we both seemed exhausted. He said he'd walk me out to my car. In my head, I was thinking, "THIS IS IT! He's gonna try and make his move!" Instead of patiently waiting as we were saying goodbye, I made my own move. I lunged up to give him a kiss on the cheek....only he turned his head. Yeah, I ended up kissing him on the corner of his mouth? We parted rather swiftly, as he retreated back into his house, and I got into my car. I was very giddy, but couldn't escape a slight feeling of embarrassment. Still, the smile was glued onto my face the whole ride home. It was a great night.
Peeps, I'm really liking TB, and this is scaring my quite a bit. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart? I'm at a loss as to how I can make my next move. We've had a discussion via yahoo messenger revolving around how he goes back and forth about wanting to date again..and from the ONE story he's told me about his ex, I can see why. She did a number on him! How do I go about letting him know he's safe with what we have going on?
*In a nutshell, about a month or so after they had separated, she took their dog to the pound while he was out of town...then proceeded to drain their checking account so he couldn't buy his dog back. She told him that she didn't think he could take care of her....I say: What a wench!!